Home At Last

Saturday October 12, 1991

It's 6 a.m. and they are waking Bea to weigh her. I can't believe it! We manage to go back to sleep til 7 a.m. I'm up getting cleaned up and ready to go home. I'm so hungry by 9 a.m. when they finally bring me bacon and eggs I can hardly eat it without throwing up. It takes awhile to eat it.

The doctor and nurses are all very impressed with how I have done. My temp is 98.6 and my blood pressure has returned to normal. My bowels are working fine and I am walking with some vigor.

I have enjoyed the 7 flower arrangements and many cards and phone calls. I have enjoyed all 4 of my roommates and most of my nurses. All in all it has been an interesting 5 days and 5 nights, but I'm eager to get into the wheelchair and head home.

Once home I go straight to the shower and wash my hair and curl it and make up my eyes and dress. Doris and Helen come over with a plant. Another arrives from Dee and Steve.

Frank and I decide where to place all the flowers and I take up residence on the blue recliner chair. Frank fixes us a nice lunch and dinner and we receive a few phone calls.

My main concern is the vaginal bleeding. The doctor did not tell me what to expect. There seems like alot and it didn't start until yesterday. Where is it coming from? Didn't he stitch me closed inside?

I still have about 100 small cancers all over inside my body cavity, but Dr. Bienstock seemed to think 3 more chemos should finish them off. The big problems is how will they know? How will they know if they return? The CAT scan didn't show small ones and the CA125 blood test didn't detect them. Will he have to open me up every 6-12 months to look for cancers? I will never feel so confident with good CAT and 125 after this. Still, I have much to be grateful for and I truly am. I am as optimistic as ever and look forward to a long and beautiful future with my wonderful Frank.

I believe I must work a little harder to achieve a complete recovery. I got lazy and cocky. I will talk to God more and visualize again. I'll use self-hypnosis or whatever I can think of. My positive thinking has never waivered and that's good, but not enough. But, at least, it seems the doctors actually believe for the first time that 3 more should do it.

While I can understand Mom's excitement at being able to shower and wash her hair after 5 days, is it really necessary to put on makeup and curl her hair? I remember when Mom visited the day I came home from the hospital after my C-section with my first child in 1981, I was in bed in my nightgown, and she insisted that I get dressed. I have to admit that I felt better about myself afterwards, so maybe she was on to something.

It is disturbing to know that the CAT scan did not show 100 or so tumors. I know PET scans show more detail, and perhaps CAT scan technology has improved in the last 20 years.