I Feel Terrible All Day

Thursday January 21, 1993

I sleep better with the help of Ultrasom, but awake with the pain in my shoulder that radiates up my neck and down my arm. The pain of indigestion is bad. I don't think I can eat. I don't feel well enough to get up so stay in bed all day. Frank is so sweet. He keeps bringing me something to eat. I eat some toast and yogurt. I feel terrible all day. I don't sleep at all and wake up about 4 a.m. feeling nauseous. I wake Frank to get me some yogurt but after a spoonful I throw up. After awhile I do eat the yogurt and feel better.

I am in awe of Mom that even on a day when she is in so much pain, so nauseous and so sleep-deprived, she still finds the motivation to make an entry in her journal. She has not missed one single day. I wonder if making a daily entry in her journal gives her a purpose to keep going no matter how hard it is.

More Chest Pain

Wednesday January 20, 1993

I'm awake from 4:30 on. I get up at 7:30 and get ready to go to the doctor. I eat some cereal. At Kaiser my blood checks out well and I get more medication. I don't feel very well. My chest hurts low like indigestion.

We stop at In & Out Burger for lunch with fries and shake. It goes down well and I feel better for about 45 minutes. Then my chest hurts again and I have gas. I have to take a pain pill about 2 p.m. It helps some. I lay on the couch all day. After another pain pill at 7:30 I eat a salad at 8 with crackers.

Not a good day for Mom. No matter what she eats she seems to have chest pain.

The Bodyguard

Awoke at 7:30 feeling good. Slept very well last night. Had a good scrambled egg breakfast. Did the laundry and straightened the kitchen. Frank went to his carving class.

After lunch we go to the movies to see The Bodyguard. I still feel good. We have a steak, salad and baked potato for dinner. I eat only a small potato and some steak. I save my salad. Later I eat an eclair. I feel fine until I eat the second eclair at 9. At 11 I still feel very full and uncomfortable.

Whitney Houston was a famous pop star who appeared with Kevin Costner in the movie "The Bodyguard". She was born in 1963 and was "discovered" at the age of 19, going on to pursue a fabulous singing career until her death in 2012 by accidental drowning in a Los Angeles hotel room. Cocaine was found in her system. It seems like Mom and Frank go out to the movies quite often. Glad she had a good day this day.

Indigestion

Monday January 18, 1993

Awake at 3 a.m. and unable to fully fall asleep after that. I get up at 8. I am sweating alot this morning and don't feel real well. At 10:45 I have my nails done and bring home a Cupid hot dog for Frank and I. We both get indigestion. Mine lasts all day. I feel ill at dinnertime. I eat a yogurt pushup. About 8 p.m. I eat a frozen cannelloni dinner and tangerine and 1/2 banana. I feel better. I can't stay awake after 10 p.m. I go to bed at 11.

I had night sweats last night too, and sometimes have indigestion if I eat too close to bedtime. It seems Mom is having a continuing problem with sweating. I would attribute most of it to menopausal symptoms, but undergoing chemotherapy is certainly making her symptoms even worse. Mom and I always went to Cupid's hot dogs in Van Nuys when we visited Grandma Johnson, pictured in yesterday's post. There was also a Cupid's across the street from CSU Northridge where I attended college from 1972-74. Their hot dogs were great with a thick juicy skin that squirted juice when you would bite into it. Add chili and onions and it would certainly cause indigestion.

Mother is Feeling Better

Sunday January 17, 1993

I awake feeling pretty good. After I shower I roll my hair and Frank gives me a perm. I turns out great. Later I call Mom and Chris. Mom is feeling very good. She has much less pain. She thinks the pills she's taking to improve her platelets from 4000 to 150,000 is helping her arthritis. I pray for her pain relief and Dad's as well, everyday.

I eat very little lunch so by dinner I'm starved. I eat a pork chop, mac & cheese & brussel sprouts. It tastes good but I feel ill for an hour or so afterwards. Probably ate too fast.

Probably shouldn't have eaten a gas-producing vegetable like brussel sprouts! So glad Mom had a better day and that she felt well enough to call me and Grandma Helen. Notice how she is praying for her loved ones, even though she is the one with a terminal illness. Frank's Dad passed away a few months after Mom's death in 1993, but Grandma Helen (pictured above with Mom, Gary and myself) lived another four years. She lived to the old age of 89. Grandma Helen's mother, Amanda Johnson, in the top photo with the four generations of Johnson women, including myself, Mom, Grandma Helen, and Grandma Johnson, lived until the ripe old age of 101. Unfortunately, Mom would not live the long life of her predecessors. I hate that cancer robbed her of the long life she should have had.

Imodium A.D.

Saturday January 16, 1993

Awoke not feeling well. Took Tylenol and later anti-nausea medicine. Finally able to eat a little cereal, later some yogurt. At 5 had a small sandwich for dinner. Diarrhea was water all day and often. I fear a reaction to the kemo. I take Imodium A.D. and it seems to improve. I finally get out of bed at 7 p.m. and come downstairs. I feel pretty good. Even my chest doesn't hurt. Too bad we don't make it to the special Cowboys and Indians square dance. We watch a movie instead.

Just a few weeks into the 1993 and days into her final journal, and it is getting harder and harder to continue my blog. It is not pleasant to hear about someone you love suffering. But Mom made the commitment to post every single day, no matter how awful she was feeling, and I commit to finishing this blog in her honor.