The Long Flight Home

Saturday June 1, 1991

Up at 6 a.m., breakfast and pack to leave.

After check-in at airport we drive to Iao Needle and stop for lunch.

Returning to the airport we find Chris and Justin. Justin carries my luggage the last of the long walk to Gate 1. I give him the book I bought him. Pappa Frank had bought him a Maui cap earlier.

We all agree we've had a great week in Maui in our separate ways. After they all leave at 1:30 we read until our 3:00 flight.

On the plane, our stewardess gives us free headphones to watch Green Card. Later she shares that she is a recovering alcoholic and thought we might be because we seemed so relaxed and at peace. I shared my cancer with her and she wanted to hug me and said she would pray for me and she knew I would recover.

On the bus to Van Nuys I met an interesting man returning from 2 months in Puerto Rico. We finally get to bed at 1:30 a.m.

Leave it to mom to make friends with not only the stewardess but the man on the bus from the airport. She was such a people person, always interested in the conversation at the next table in the restaurant, or in making a connection with someone new. I am amazed that the stewardess sensed that she was relaxed. I imagine most people are pretty relaxed after spending a week in Hawaii, but she sensed something special about mom. I have talked to other people who are battling a life-threatening disease and have been told that their battle gives that an acute appreciation for every relationship and every experience they have, knowing that it might be their last.

Farewell Dinner

Friday May 31, 1991

Slept in--no alarm--til 6:30. Donna and Bob went for a walk. I did 15 laps in the pool. Dressed and went to breakfast. Changed to swimsuits and headed for Napili Beach in Kapalua where Chris is staying.

Settled on the beach 45 minutes when it began to pour rain. Everyone left but we stayed in the car and the rain was past in 15 minutes. We had the beach to ourselves for 45 minutes of Bob and I snorkeling and it began to rain again. We dressed and drove to Chris' place but they weren't there.

Returned to our condo to change for dinner at Moose Magillicutties in Lahaina. As we were leaving Chris and Ric arrived. So Justin rode with us and we all went to dinner in Lahaina.

We had a great $7.95 Early Bird dinner of Mahi Mahi Almadine. Justin sat with us.

We headed home to pack. Must go home tomorrow 3 p.m. flight. Still feeling great except for tired muscles.

Remember the days before cell phones? I feel bad reading mom's entry about how she tried to connect with us and even came by our condo. Today I get frustrated when I try to call one of my boys and have no cell phone reception or get voice mail. It is so much easier to connect nowadays. I definitely would have wanted to go snorkeling with Mom and Bob if we had connected. We spent the day before snorkeling at Molokini, a submerged volcanic crater off the coast of Maui, pictured above.

Exercise and A Massage

Thursday May 30, 1991

Arose today at 6:30 again. Ate my usual oatmeal and apple juice. We began our power walk with Jeanna just 6 of us. We walked along the beach. It was low tide and icky seaweed all over the beach. It was stinky. After awhile we cut up to the neighborhood streets; at 8:30 we did our aqua aerobics in the pool--Donna and I. Bob and Frank watched.

After awhile of sitting around the pool (me in the shade), we dressed and left for Paia, stopping for lunch in a shopping center Kahalua. Paia wasn't much. We drove to the plantation to check out pineapples--$3 each seemed too high.

At 4 p.m. I had a 1 hour massage. It was great! We spoke of healing. She used Reiki on me (laying on of hands). After I was dressed we hugged. She said she felt I was going to be well, but I should quit cokes and have massages regularly. It was a spiritual experience.

We dressed and went out for a great New York steak dinner, then to square dance. Danced one tip only, then they served dinner. It was their graduation. We went shopping again.

The walk on the stinky beach doesn't sound so great, but the aqua aerobics sounds like fun. I take it 3 times every week at my gym. The massage sounds heavenly. I looked up Reiki massage on Wikipedia and it says that "Mikao Usu originated Reiki in 1922 in Japan after a twenty-one day retreat on Mount Kurama, involving meditation, fasting, and prayer. Usui said that by mystical revelation he had gained the knowledge and spiritual power to apply and attune others to what is called Reiki.
He developed the Reiki Principles. Many Reiki teachers and practitioners aim to abide by these five principles, one translation of which is:
Just for today:
Do not be angry
Do not worry
Be grateful
Work with integrity
Be kind to others and to yourself.
Every morning and every night, sit in the Gassho position [hands held palm-to-palm] and speak these words out loud in your heart."

Those sound like great principles to live by. In fact, all of those principles are found in the Bible:

ANGER: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. James 1:19

WORRY: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

GRATITUDE: No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

WORK WITH INTEGRITY: Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Colossians 3:23-24

BE KIND TO OTHERS AND YOURSELF: The entire law is summed up in a single command: Love your neighbor as yourself. Galatians 5:14

Biking in Maui

Wednesday May 29, 1991

Up at 6:30 for our bike ride. Rode through neighborhoods and really got a chance to appreciate the lovely yards. When we returned we all jumped into the pool and cooled down. We layed in the sun awhile. I applied #15 sunscreen and wore my hat. I moved to the shade after 20 minutes tho--too hot.

We lunched at Jack-In-The-Box and ate small sundaes at Baskin Robbins. More shopping then out to dinner at Kahei Prime Rib and Seafood. We all had prime rib and great salad bar. Great dinner. I had 1 chi chi drink.

After dinner we walked on the beach and returned to watch TV. I talked to Justin at 9:30. Hope to reach Chris at 7 a.m. before they leave to rent a boat to go to Molokini to snorkel. Can't seem to connect with her.

I remember that night. After cooking dinner in our condo with the broken air conditioner every night, I thought it was time Ric and I had a romantic dinner just the two of us at a nice restaurant, without the mother-in-law and 10-year-old son. Boy was that a mistake! Ric does not have a romantic bone in his body, and all he saw was dollar signs. He complained the whole night about how expensive the meal was, and I left there totally frustrated that our evening was a disaster.

The Road to Hana

Tuesday May 28, 1991

Got up at 5:30 a.m. to catch our van tour to Hana. 10 of us in van plus Mel, our driver. We had a continental breakfast then off to Hana the back way across the volcanic rock on very rough roads, but the scenery was great. Nearer Hana the terrain turned lush and green with waterfalls and many stops. In Hana we had a great buffet lunch and off again to beautiful beaches, some black sand. We hiked alot and took lots of pictures. We stopped to watch some excellent wind surfing, probably 20 boards.

Back at the condo we decided on the pool and hot tub for 2 hours, then ordered in a pizza and hit the sack at 11 p.m. Tomorrow we'll get up at 6:30 to 7:30 bike ride for 1 hour.

I'm seeing a definite difference in the way my family vacations and the way Mom and Frank vacation. I'm not sure this is typical for them, but it looks like they are eating out every night, and even this night that they stayed at home, they still did not cook in the kitchen of their condo, but ordered a pizza. Also, they paid for an organized tour, where our family takes the more economical route of a rental car and self-guided tour. We took that same trip around the south end of the island in our rental car, past the signs that said "No Rental Cars Beyond This Point". Don't know what would have happened if we broke down, but I'm sure the tow truck would have been paid by us, not the rental company. It is indeed a very rough road over everchanging lava flows, which is why it cannot be maintained or paved. The very windy paved road to Hana goes down the eastern side of the island past beautiful black sand beaches and waterfalls. Other than the night that we met mom and her gang for dinner, we barbecued and cooked dinner in our condo, as we still do when we are vacationing. On the days that we are travelling, our style is closer to Taco Bell fast food, than gourmet restaurant.

Breakfast in Lahaina

Monday May 27, 1991

Slept very well with no pills. Awake at 6:00. We're meeting Chris and gang in Lahaina for breakfast at Moose Magillicutties. After breakfast we all walk and shop Lahaina. We say goodbye to Chris and head for Kaanapali to visit Whale Museum and splendid Westin Maui with lush gardens.

Lovely drive back to Kilue to attend pupu party around the pool. Mai Tais for everyone. I drink punch. No alcohol except one chi chi on my birthday.

Thanks to pupus no dinner necessary. Watch TV and go out for yogurt.

We met mom and gang in Lahaina for breakfast. Lahaina is Maui's historic whaling village located on the west side of Maui between Kapalua to the north where Ric and I are staying and Kihei to the south where mom and her gang are staying. It is a tourist town of restaurants, galleries and souvenir shops. The above photo was taken by a commercial photographer with his macaws. From the left are Chris, Dolores behind her grandson Justin, Frank, Bob and Donna. I love this picture. I'm so glad mom had that week in Maui to forget about her cancer for awhile and especially to be with those who loved her.

My Birthday!!

Sunday May 26, 1991

A birthday in Hawaii! Donna and Bob hung a birthday banner and balloons over the counter in our Maui condo. They gave me a lovely bell and a very sentimental card. Frank gave me the same gift he will give me again tonight. Ha ha! We awake at 6 a.m. after 9 hours sleep.

After exploring the grounds out to the ocean, past the pool, shuffleboard and tennis courts, we attended orientation to hear about all the things there are to do. Doning our bathing suits we drove down the coast looking at several beaches, all the way down to the National Volcanic Reserve--lava everywhere.

After an hour on a lovely beach closer to our condo we returned to dress for dinner. We meet Chris and all at Buzz's Restaurant for a lovely birthday dinner of giant prawns and chicken. Then we had yogurt and brought all back to our condo. Chris gave me a lovely nightie and matching kimono and a plant (lily) from Cathy Thomas. Feeling great except left eye blurring problem lasting 30 minutes at 8 p.m.

Buzz's Wharf Restaurant recently celebrated 40 years of operation, and is one of Maui's oldest restaurants. It is a landmark in Ma'alaea Bay Harbor near Kihei. This is where we celebrated mom's 57th birthday. She was so happy to see us, especially her beloved grandson Justin, who was 10 years old.

Maui Schooner

Saturday May 25, 1991

Have now gained 6 pounds. No good! Hawaii will not be a good place to diet, but may get much needed exercise to compensate. Slept well last night with help of Unisom finally. Up at 6 a.m., off at 8 a.m. to Van Nuys, bussed to L.A.X. Had a long 5-1/2 hour flight with a nice chicken lunch. Donna and Bob are waiting for us when we arrive. They have our car ready. Chris and Ric, Justin, and Ric's mom Carmen have left already for their condo in Kapalua.

Afterwards we are settled in our condo in Kihei, the Maui Schooner. It is really nice and new with 2 bedrooms and baths and all the amenities--washer, dryer, microwave, etc. We buy a few groceries and head for dinner at Carlos and Rick's. Huge dinner! Beautiful sunset. Feeling fat today, but feeling good. No aches or pains at all.

Hit the sack early 9:30 Hawaii time but 12:30 L.A. time.

Mom's best friend Donna and her husband Bob often travelled together with mom and Frank on vacations. They each owned a timeshare. Donna and Bob traded their timeshare in Sparks, NV for the condo in Kihei, the Maui Schooner pictured above. For friends whose vacations of past years mostly consisted of camping in a tent, this was a luxurious vacation and they were going to live it up.

Ric and I found a nice 1-bedroom condo to rent in Kapalua, which was 30 miles north of Kihei, about a one-hour drive. This was a big trip for Ric as it was one of the few times in his life that he has ever flown on an airplane, as he suffers from a severe fear of flying. 19 years later he has still not flown on an airplane since that trip in 1991.

Flying is generally considered to be one of the safest forms of public transportation currently available in the United States. Statistics compiled by the Department of Transportation have led to the conclusion that airline travel is 29 times safer than driving an automobile. For Ric the statistics are not important; what is important is not being in control.

Hawaii Tomorrow

Friday May 24, 1991

Still sleeping well. Diet not going well. No willpower. Much packing to do and odds and ends around the house. Frank is home by 10:30. He wants to eat out breakfast. We have a lovely brunch at Eggs and Things. More shopping.

Finally finish packing and all at 10 p.m. Have called Donna and Bob at San Francisco Travel Lodge. She's thrilled of news about CA125. Fall asleep watching TV at 10:10. Head for bed at 11 p.m., but can't sleep. Up and down, in and out for an hour. Finally take Tylenol and Unisom and off to dreamland--Hawaii tomorrow! Can't wait!

CA125

Thursday May 23, 1991

Lost one pound, though I don't deserve it. I've picked up some bad habits I must break.

Frank took me to see Dr. Bienstock and Dr. Bix this morning. Dr. Bienstock examined me. Said he could feel one tumor.

Dr. Bix had good news from my blood test. CA125 which measures cancer cells was 260 when I entered hospital April 9. Today it was 24 (normal is 22). That's great! White cell (immune) count was good; nothing to worry about. I must stay out of the sun, wear sunblock and a hat! So goest Hawaiian tan I planned.

Neither doctor is pleased that I threw up after chemo. I should have started anti-nausea drug earlier and continue 2 days. Or try new drug.

Had nice lunch out. Shopped our way home. Tired but happy. Called everyone to share the good news about CA125.

CA 125 is a protein, and a tumor marker or biomarker. CA 125 is present in greater concentration in ovarian cancer cells than in other cells. CA stands for cancer antigen. Increases in CA 125 can also occur with malignant tumors of the Fallopian tubes, lining of the uterus, lung, breast, and gastrointestinal track. Benign conditions such as infections of the abdomen, chest, menstruation, pregnancy, endometriosis, benign tumors of the ovaries, and liver disease can also raise CA 125.

Although CA 125 is a useful test in monitoring women who are being treated for ovarian cancer, a single CA 125 test is not considered to be a useful screening test for cancer. Some women with ovarian cancer (up to 20%) never have elevated CA 125 levels, while most women who do have elevated CA 125 levels do not have cancer. In fact, because CA 125 can be elevated in so many non-cancerous conditions, only about 3% of women with elevated CA 125 levels have ovarian cancer. I recently attended a seminar at Kaiser Permanente regarding genetic testing for breast and ovarian cancer and was disappointed to learn that there is still no screening test available for ovarian cancer almost 20 years later. Once a woman has ovarian cancer there are no symptoms until the cancer is very advanced and probably life-threatening. That is why this type of cancer is so deadly.

No More Hot Fudge

Wednesday May 22, 1991

OK, no more hot fudge! I've gained 5 pounds back. Must lose it quick! Eating desserts everyday must stop, plus some chips and greasy foods. Can't believe I've slipped so far from our healthy eating habits. I still eat instant oatmeal for breakfast plus juice. Still eat a banana a day and lots of veggies.

Got my nails done and went to May Co. Tried McLean burger. Quite good. Mrs. Paul's cinnamon roll was not so good on my diet. Dinner was mostly vegetables and small piece of steak leftover. But then we finished off the strawberries.

Feeling fine and sassy.

Ha! I wrote that last post before I knew Mom was about to gain 5 pounds. I have the same problem with starting out my day on the right track, but by the time the evening comes my resolve wears thin and I start to eat desserts while watching TV in the evening.

Gary's Boys

Tuesday May 21, 1991

Walked to the bank today. Treated myself to a hot dog. Felt great the whole time. Didn't feel a bit tired. My energy level is at a peak again. My backache is better and the stiffness in my shoulders and neck is almost gone.

When Frank arrives home we relax together reading the paper and mail.

Gary is taking us to dinner at the Odyssey Restaurant to celebrate my birthday so we arrive at his house at 6:30. The four of us have a lovely dinner. We all pig out on the great salad bar.

Back at Gary's we all watch some TV and soon the boys are home from practice. Great boys!

We come home and have chocolate yogurt with hot fudge.

First of all, I have to laugh. Right after mom says she has to stop eating so much because she has gained a whole 2 pounds, she goes out for a chocolate malt and then yogurt with hot fudge. Her daughter has this same problem with resolutions!

In 1989 Mom and Frank, my brother Gary and his wife Maria with Maria's two boys Gabe and Joe, along with my husband Ric and I and my son Justin went camping at a cabin at Lake Almanor. Her best friend Donna and Donna's husband Bob joined us and we had a great time together. We celebrated Donna's birthday and Frank's birthday the same night on our vacation. Gary always treated Maria's two boys as his own and raised them from the time they were toddlers. Many years later he and Maria had twin boys together, but by then Joe and Gabe were well into their teenage years. Mom doted on Gabe and Joe just as she did my son Justin. Pictured above is Mom with her arms around my son Justin, who is 8 years old in the photo, Gabe is behind his brother Joe. Gabe is 11 and Joe is 9 in this photo. Lake Almanor is in the background.

Square Dancing Club

Monday May 20, 1991

Ready to walk again but too busy with lots of wash to do. Big mistake, I brush Daisy in the house and fur flies averywhere. Big vacuum job.

My appetite seems to be getting back to normal, just in time. I've gained back 2 pounds. No more!

Sally arrives for an impromptu visit and helps me put the spread on my bed. We have a 2 hour visit during which Frank arrives home.

My chest doesn't hurt today so maybe that was from vomiting but my back and legs have started to hurt again like before my stay in the hospital. A few stomach pains but no problem.

After a taco dinner we dress for square dancing. Last class. We do well at class. Then go to Hudson's Grill with 16 for chocolate malt.

Mom was blessed to be able to retire from a stressful job when she was 52. Even though she had a busy social life, after her retirement, she wanted to expand their circle of friends, so she and Frank took up square dancing. They took classes, they joined a club and danced several times a week. They went camping with their square dancing club several times every year. After mom died, the ladies from her square dancing club came into her home during the funeral and set up food for the reception after the graveside service. I really appreciated their helpfulness.

Tower of Power

Sunday May 19, 1991

Up early and Frank makes us omelettes...yum, yum. Making love is no problem; no pain, everything is normal and has been all along.

We pack some snacks and cokes and off to Oxnard Strawberry Festival. Lots of traffic and thousands of people. We buy lunch and set up our sand chairs to watch the concert--Tower of Power. Can't believe it, we've found Gary, Maria and all their friends. It's a great concert! They head home and we check out the crafts.

We enjoy a "make your own" strawberry shortcake and settle down to watch the second concert, a Cajun band. Lots of people are dancing. Great entertainment.

No pains this afternoon. Home by 6:30, pooped. Relax tonight after dinner.

Finally, some music mom and I can agree on. Most of the concerts mom and Frank attended were country western, of which I am not a fan. But Tower of Power is a band that is very entertaining and full of energy. I have seen them twice and my brother Gary and his wife Maria have seen them several times. I'm glad mom is still able to make love with Frank without any pain.

Grandma Helen's 65th Class Reunion

Saturday May 18, 1991

I awake before the 7 a.m. alarm. Up and at um. Leave for Pasadena at 8:30 to pick up Mom and Cathy for our drive to Santa Ana for Mother's 65th Class Reunion. We really enjoy seeing such lively 83-year-olds. Eleven class members are there and 8 guests. I am eating every hour this morning and really enjoy the turkey dinner.

I arrive back home at 5 p.m. and am really bushed. I have had alot of pains in my ovaries the last 2 hours. After a short rest and leftovers for dinner, we dress and head out for "The Club" square dance. What a good time we have! We danced only with "Angels". Only 5 class members were there. We have cake at break. I was hungry again!

Cancer is no respecter of family longevity. Mom's maternal grandmother Amanda Johnson lived to the ripe old age of 101 and her mother Helen who is 83 in 1991 lived for another 6 years, finally passing of old age when she was 89 years old. The photo above was taken when Grandma Helen was in her 20s.

I always imagined I would have my mother with me well into her 90s if she inherited the longevity gene. How does cancer strike a healthy woman in her 50s? I was robbed of the time I should have been enjoying my mom into her old age. Her grandchildren Derek and Ryan should have had time to get to know her, just as my oldest son Justin did. Derek was only 10 months old when she died. Ryan was not born until 2 years later.

Ice Cream Always Makes Me Feel Better

Friday May 17, 1991

Another good night's sleep. I'm sure now that taking my vitamins after dinner ruined my sleep.

Mother is up early too, packing to leave, but she stays until after lunch. After she leaves for Gene and Cathy's, I rush to clean the bathrooms, wash all her linens, make the beds and vacuum the whole house. Moping the floors is too much and I feel quite ill all over. I lay down for an hour or so. I'm hungry every couple of hours this week since Tuesday. I devour a large bowl of popcorn.

I feel better when Frank gets home so we go to Ross, Mervyns and Target. Then we eat at Imperial Gardens and go to see "Oscar" at the movies (one of ours).

I'm having some shooting pains in various parts of my stomach. We treat ourselves to Baskin Robbins ice cream cone.

I don't think mom understands the concept of taking it easy. Even though she is obviously exhausted and in pain, she is determined to clean the whole house and then goes shopping and out to dinner. For her perhaps shopping is therapeutic. Maybe having ice cream is comforting too.

Grandma Alda Lucky

Thursday May 16, 1991

What a beautiful day! I feed the birds. I feel terrific and have my usual small bowl of oatmeal and glass of OJ. I don't fool around too much. Must get ready to leave at 11 a.m.

Mother and I leave for Granada Hills. I'm to see the nurse practitioner about my blurred vision problem. There was a circle of lights around the blurred vision, I remember. The nurse examines me and she speaks to the doctor. She finds nothing but will refer me to opthamology. She is a large unfriendly woman. I don't like her.

After lunch (we share a salad) we visit with Mom Lucky. She is so happy to have visitors. She says she gets very lonely. She is very upset when I tell her about my cancer but I reassure her and she calms down. We talk about all her family. She likes that.

After dinner Frank and I attend a dance class meeting planning our graduation. Frank has brought me a card signed by all he works with and a book "Love, Medicine & Miracles" from a lady at work.

Mom is so generous with her time. Even though she has been divorced from my dad for almost 20 years in 1991, she still makes a point of going to see Grandma Alda, my dad's mother, pictured above with her 3 sons at her 75th birthday party in 1985 (from the left are my uncle George born in 1934, my Dad Robert born in 1932 and my uncle Clyde born in 1930). Grandma Alda never did drive (in her generation that was quite common) so my mom made a point of inviting her to the drive-in movies every time we went, or taking her shopping, and of taking us to visit her whenever we came down to visit from Santa Rosa. Grandma Alda lived well into her 90s, outliving her husband Lloyd by 25 years, but she suffered from dementia for the last 10 years or so and had to live in an assisted-living facility. She recognized no one from her family.

No Problem

Wednesday May 15, 1991

Woke up at usual 7:30 with no nausea. Had a little oatmeal and orange juice. Some nausea now. I spend all morning in bed. Lunch is scrambled eggs for Mom and me, then back to bed for a nap.

At 3 p.m. I feel great! I'm up and showered and ready to pick up where I left off Monday. Dinner is light. We retire at 10:45.

If this is what each chemo will be, I can take it. No problem.

Wow, mom, so throwing up every half hour for 7 hours is "no problem". What a courageous spirit you have! Always seeing the glass as half-full, that's my mom.

Chemo #2

Tuesday May 14, 1991

Arrived at Kaiser Hospital at 10 a.m. with Frank after a good night's sleep. First they take 6 viles of blood. Then a talk with the doctor--nothing new. The chemo drugs were mixed and ready after they analyzed my kidney function from a blood sample at 11:30. First the tranquilizer that makes me drowsy. Then anti-nausea drug and chemo drugs. At 1 p.m. I am able to walk out--no wheelchair. I am hungry enough to eat tuna/noodle dish in cafeteria.

Drowsy at home. I eat taco for dinner. In bed at 7:30 I throw up every 1/2 hour from 8 to 3 a.m. Nothing helps. Awful night!

It sounds like the anti-nausea drug mom was given was not enough to last through the night. Wasn't there some medication they could have sent home with her? She must have been exhausted from throwing up every half hour, long after there was nothing left in her stomach.

Tomorrow is Chemo #2

Monday May 13, 1991

Mother is here to stay for a few days. She sleeps until 10 a.m. so I do the wash. I slept very well and woke at 7:30.

Feeling good I walk to the bank. It feels great. I have a little bit of pain in my female organs.

After I drop off mail at post office, I do my marketing. I rush to fix dinner and get to square dancing. I'm too nervous to eat from rushing.

Square dancing is great fun. We go to Hudson's Grill with the gang and I order skins. They taste real good.

Tomorrow is Chemo #2. I am full of anticipation.

It seems very ironic that mom is nervous from rushing around but facing chemo in the morning doesn't seem to make her nervous. Being full of anticipation sounds more like excitement than nervousness. I have no doubt if I was facing chemotherapy it would be with dread not anticipation and I would not sleep a wink. I admire mom so much for facing this struggle as a challenge, not as something to be dreaded. I hope some day I will be as strong and positive as she was.