Gary's Birthday

Monday October 26, 1992 Gary's Birthday

Not feeling well. I call Dr. Semrad. Up and dressed though. My chest still hurts. Dr. Semrad calls in a prescription for antibiotics. I lay around all day. Carol calls and we make a date to go to dinner at her house November 21.

Gary and Maria come over after they go out to dinner so we can wish Gary a Happy Birthday. Frank has bought 1/2 gallon of ice cream to celebrate. We all have some. Gary has brought me some pizza. I eat 2 for dinner. I feel bad and go to bed when they leave.

Is it my new kemo pump causing me to feel bad? I wonder.

My brother Gary is 36 years old this day. Does Mom wonder whether she will be around for his 37th?

Frank's Birthday!

Tuesday September 1, 1992

A pretty uneventful day. Frank received cards and phone calls. I gave him a bunch of socks. He plans to buy a $200 scroll saw later for his birthday.

At 7:30 we go to the Boots & Slippers board meeting at the senior center. About 30 folks attended this "open" meeting. After the meeting I announced it was Frank's birthday and I brought out the cake. We all sang to him and I served cake to all while each one came up to wish him many more. He was really surprised.

What a nice surprise, better than a bunch of socks! As far as having many more birthdays, Frank celebrates his 77th birthday in just 5 days. So far he is going strong.

A Birthday Surprise for Frank

Monday August 31, 1992

We slept in til 8:30 but really slept well back in our own bed. We both still feel full but much better. I have no breakfast. At 10:45 I go have my nails done. Afterward I have a hot dog. I'm still not hungry but it tastes good.

Frank leaves for the library so I take this opportunity to go out to order a birthday cake for Frank. Joan will pick it up for me tomorrow and take it to the board meeting we'll attend tomorrow. He'll be real surprised.

Chris calls. She is upset. Her 55-year-old friend Sharon from work died suddenly in her sleep Saturday night. She had promised to come see Chris today at 4. I try to console her.

We have a lite dinner. I talked to Joan Larson. She is quite optimistic since her tumor is much shrunk. I give her encouragement.

I was looking forward to my friend Sharon coming to visit and see my 6-week-old baby Derek. She called Saturday to tell me she was bringing a gift for him on Monday. On Monday morning another co-worker called from the office to tell me that Sharon had died in her sleep Saturday night. She had an enlarged heart. She had planned to retire later that year. I think the reason I was so upset was because her death was so unexpected and I was worried that my own mother would be dying soon. How would I get by without her? Strangely, it was Mom who consoled ME even though she was the one who was sick. She also was the one who encouraged her friend Joan who was battling cancer. It was like she had so much positivity that she spread it around to others.

My Birthday #58

Tuesday May 26, 1992

My Birthday #58

Up at Donna & Bob's and ready to go by 9 a.m. but Bob is turning the rotors on our brakes so we leave for Tahoe about 10:30 a.m. When we get to Tahoe, we have a buffet breakfast. It's real good. Of course, we pig out. We wander through several casinos making a total contribution of $24 in 2 hours. We are back at Donna & Bob's about 6 p.m. Jennifer, Leah, & Ron come to dinner. After dinner comes the party hats, noise makers, ice cream, cookies, and gifts. What fun!

Leah has grown quite tall for 11 years. Jennifer looks great. Hard work agrees with her. I'm still feeling great! Thank you Lord!

Donna & Bob live in Pollock Pines, about an hour's drive east of Sacramento, and midway between Sacramento and Lake Tahoe. I'm so glad Mom got to celebrate her birthday (her third time!) with her best friend Donna. Donna's granddaughter Leah was born just a week after Justin, on May 24, so the birthday celebration was undoubtedly for both Mom and Leah. Leah's mom Jennifer is a few years younger than I am, Donna's youngest of 3 children.

This birthday was to be Mom's last, so I'm glad she had a big celebration! I am 58 right now and because of that, I am acutely aware of how Mom died way too young. My 59th birthday is just a few weeks away, on April 9. When I reach that milestone I will have outlived my mother. In many ways, I feel like my life is just beginning, and I pray that God blesses me with many more years than my beautiful mother had. Mom did enjoy 12 years getting to know her only grandchild, my son Justin, but she never got to know my other two boys or Gary's twin sons, a sad loss for all of them.

How Do We Get to The Golden Gate Bridge?

Wednesday May 20, 1992

Up at 5:30 to leave at 7 a.m. for Chris' in Windsor, CA. We stop in Simi at Eggs & Things for a great breakfast and we're on our way. I try to read but end up taking a 2-hour nap. I wake up somewhere on Highway 5. We stop. Frank gets a yogurt and I drive for a couple of hours. He manages to take a short nap. I make a potty stop and we have a taco at Taco Bell. Frank drives and I sleep another hour. When I wake I need a potty stop. We are crossing the Bay Bridge into San Francisco, but we turn off toward Fisherman's Wharf where we find a restaurant. We go in, use their bathroom, and ask for directions how to get to the Golden Gate Bridge.

We arrive at Chris' at 4 p.m. We tour the house and yard. It's great celebrating Justin's birthday with cake and presents and my birthday present and a late one for Chris from Gary.

After coming into the Bay area from Interstate 5 Frank made the very common error of taking the Bay Bridge into San Francisco, instead of turning north on Hwy 580 in Oakland towards Richmond and the Richmond-San Rafael Bridge which would have brought him to Highway 101 leading directly to Windsor in Sonoma County. Once arriving in San Francisco, the freeway dumps traffic onto surface streets in the congested downtown area. At that point, it is a circuitous route on surface streets for miles to get to the Golden Gate Bridge. Not fun when exhausted from a long day of driving! How many times have we been lost in a big city trying to figure out where we are with the use of a paper map? Nowadays each of our vehicles has a GPS on the windshield. We simply type in the address where we want to go, and a calm voice directs us where to turn, giving us 2 miles advance warning in order to maneuver into position on the freeway. What a wonderful tool that has saved countless arguments between drivers and passengers!

Justin's birthday is on May 17 and Mom's is on May 26, so by arriving on the 20th, we were able to celebrate both birthdays at once.

I've Become a Better and Better Mother

Tuesday May 19, 1992

I messed up my clock when I set it last night so I got up at 6 a.m. instead of 7 so by the time I get to Kaiser for chemo I'm sleepy at 10:30, sitting around reading in the waiting room. My platelets are 11,500 so it's OK to get my chemo drug. I am finished by 11:30 so I hurry home to have lunch with Frank. Frank is on the roof of the Marvel house when I arrive. He's helping the roofer. He finally comes home for lunch about 1:30.

The roofer finally finishes about 6:30 so we pick up Gary and Maria and the boys about 7 p.m. to go to dinner at the Elephant Bar. We have a great time. Afterward we go back to their house and I open birthday presents from them. I love the sentimental card from Gary. I love thinking Chris and Gary really do love me and think I'm a good mother. I think I've become a better and better mother in recent years.

Mom loved to receive sentimental cards and she was touched by Gary's card. I can't speak for Gary, but only for myself, when I say I loved her very much and miss her terribly. She was my mother and my best friend all in one. She was always very involved in our lives while we were living at home, but also after we were grown and moved out. She had to be careful not to cross the line into meddling, while still being very involved.

Justin's Birthday!

Sunday May 17, 1992 Justin's Birthday!

I had a rough night, awake alot and taking Tylenol to try to ease the pains in my body, so I had a rough morning also. Pains in my stomach after breakfast which happens only once in awhile. Then after my shower, I had more sweating than usual. Some days the sweats are horrible and last for an hour or so while other days the sweating subsides in about 10-15 minutes. We visit til 11:30 and then pull out and head home. It's a good drive but I can't stay awake. I sleep most of the way. Once home I gather enough steam to unpack the trailer.

After a rest we go out to dinner and over to see Gary. They had company all weekend and enjoyed it.

We called Justin at 3 p.m. to wish him Happy Birthday.

I'm glad Mom was able to nap on the drive home and that Frank was rested enough to drive the whole way.

Mom always made a big deal out of birthdays and holidays. It was one of her ways of showing love.

Tayler Rae's First Birthday Party

Frank leaves at 8 a.m. to pick up his folks and meet me at Gary's old house in Mission Hills at 10 a.m. to arrive at Paul and Judy's at 11 a.m. for Tayler Rae's first birthday party. I have a hard time getting ready as I'm nauseous this morning. I have to keep lying down. I'm afraid I should call Frank's folks house to say I'm too sick to go. But I hate to upset everyone there by not showing up. I keep trying and finally about 9:45 I'm fine. I took a nausea pill.

We have a lovely time with all the family. Tayler is perfect! We stop in Mission Hills for dinner with Mom and Dad, then we drive them home. On our way home I must stop to see Joan Larson. It's 8 p.m. but I must. They (she especially) are so glad to see us. Her cancer (liver) surgery is next Tuesday. I pray for her daily.

OK, so obviously Tayler is not one-year old in this photo, but it's the only photograph I could find of her. It looks like she is 7 or 8 here in this photo with her parents Paul (Frank's youngest son) and Judy and her younger brother Nick.

Mom was a great source of support for Joan Larson as they battled their cancers together. Joan lived across the street from our family when we lived in the Lemona house from 1954-1974 or so.

Maria's Birthday Party

Saturday January 25, 1992

We're up but feeling really punk. In spite of not feeling well, Frank takes his 4-mile walk. We check out a house for sale for Gary. It's perfect--a great location, price and has all the amenities he'd like. We spend time with Jody the realtor and head for Gary's.

Today is Maria's birthday party. There are lots of people and lots of food. We manage to stay a couple of hours. By the time we get home Frank has nearly lost his voice to his cold. I'm still coughing and blowing and quite tired.

Wow, that is inspiring to hear about Frank taking a 4-mile walk every morning, even when he's sick. I guess it's easier to do that in sunny California in January.

There are always lots of people when Maria has a party, whether it's a holiday, a birthday, or any other celebration. She is one of 9 children and has dozens of nieces and nephews. The photo above was not taken this date, but years later on her 50th birthday when we travelled 400 miles to Simi Valley in a thunderstorm to celebrate with the rest of her family.

Gary's Birthday Party

Saturday October 19, 1991

Donna and Bob arrive at 9:30. Frank and Bob go to Thousand Oaks to deliver the trailer they pulled down. Donna talks to Mark and watches me do my makeup.

Frank leaves for Lemona house for 12-5 open house. Bob and Donna go out to get us Cupid's hot dogs. We will go to Lemona house at 3:30 and then all go to Gary's about 4:30-5 p.m. for the party to celebrate his birthday. The party is fun and lots of kits and food. We stay from 5-8. I feel fine except both of my blisters break and look awful. They are dime size.

Mom and Frank had a huge master bathroom that was bigger than many normal sized bedrooms. It had a large corner soaking tub with large windows surrounding it. Mom spent half an hour every morning applying her makeup and styling her hair at the vanity next to this tub. I would sit on the corner of the tub while she worked at making herself beautiful and we would talk. These were some of my best memories of her. I'm sure it was the same for Donna.

Frank Is Feeling Put Upon

Friday October 18, 1991

Donna and Bob will be here tomorrow morning sometime at my insistence that I'm OK for company. Actually we probably won't see much of them as they plan to spend time with Bob's boys. Marc has a new baby and Greg needs some interference--his life is a mess and so is his wife and children.

The tape on my belly seems to be bothering me all the way up and down: itching. The doctor suggests Benedryl. Luckily, I have some.

There is some straightening, etc to do today and Frank is feeling "put upon". I'm sorry. I'm trying not to ask for much from him.

It's a beautiful 85 degree day. Donna and Bob should enjoy this.

Tomorrow I hope to go to Gary's birthday party for a few hours, at Gary's house.

Tonight we're going out for Mexican dinner.

This is hard for me to say because I loved Mom so much and she loved me unconditionally, but mom could be quite bossy. I spent two weeks with her and Frank in Europe in 1986 and I was disturbed at how much she ordered him around. Frank was very patient and usually took her bossiness quite well, but it looks like this day, he finally stood up to her demands. I know it had to be bad because Frank would do anything for her in spite of her domineering attitude. I can relate to mom wanting to have the house nice and neat for company, as she has passed this on to me, and I understand that she must have been frustrated to not be able to clean the house herself after having surgery. Mom always did like things nice and orderly, and fortunately she married an energetic man who liked things orderly too. Unfortunately, I married a man who likes things completely chaotic, and have two sloppy teenage boys as well, so to retain my sanity I have completely given over the upstairs level of our house to their chaotic messes. My "territory" is the downstairs that I struggle to keep some kind of order.

A Bittersweet Birthday

Today I digress from Mom's daily journal entries. Today is my 58th birthday. Mom passed away when she was 58, a few weeks before she would turn 59. She was way too young and full of life to be taken from me. She was my best friend, the most important person in my life, the one who would love me unconditionally through every trial, through every mistake I ever made. Every day was an adventure to her and she lived each one to the fullest. She loved her friends and family and was the one person they could confide in and receive wise advice. She loved to travel and explore new places, something I inherited from her. Perhaps that is our Swedish inheritance.

When Mom was diagnosed with cancer I was devastated and I grieved for days. My brother Gary encouraged me to come down to Southern California to visit with her so she could make ME FEEL BETTER! She did not feel sorry for herself, and yes, she did make me feel better with her determination to overcome this obstacle in her life and her assurances that everything would be fine. I do not know why God took her so young. What I do know is that God promises in Romans 8:28 that He will work all things together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. God called her home early. She was ready to go. She was completely at peace, knowing she was going to meet Jesus. I wanted that assurance for myself, and so began my spiritual journey after her passing.

The first month I attended a Hospice support group for adults who had recently lost a parent. They also had groups for those who had lost a child, a spouse, a friend. It is a wonderful organization that I have supported financially ever since. I admire those who volunteer their time and energy with both patients and with those they leave behind.

A few weeks later I began my own journal, but with a career and 2 small children to raise, life seemed to get in the way of finding time for that. When my second baby was 7 months old I started attending a small church that met in a warehouse in my hometown of Windsor. I enjoyed hearing the message every Sunday and learning about God's word. I had accepted Jesus as my personal savior as a teenager at Van Nuys Baptist Church and was baptized there in 1968. I was very involved in the youth group throughout my high school years, but after graduating from high school, I quit attending church and my spiritual life was put on the back burner. Now I felt a great need for God in my life to fill the void left by my mother's passing. When that church dissolved several years later, I sought a church where my boys could get involved in a youth group like I had experienced as a teen. Derek was 11 and Ryan was 8. Up to this point they had not attended a church, although Derek did go to church summer camp a few times. In 2003 God lead me to Spring Hills Church in Santa Rosa and my faith began to grow. Even though the church was large and I did not know a soul, this church encouraged small groups and bible studies throughout the week. Church was not an activity I did on Sundays, but became my second family, my sanctuary. I began to dig into God's word through the bible study groups. I met other believers who encouraged me in my faith walk, and I found that praying with others was a deeply intimate experience. God became my strength, my comfort, my peace. He is the one who loves me unconditionally, just as Mom did.

Often God will bring us to Him through our pain and grief. I know for myself that Mom's death was the catalyst that lead me back to Him. I thank God for Mom, for my health, for my family, my friends and my church. I am thankful to Mom for leaving behind her legacy in her journal. Reading her journal and writing this blog makes me feel like she is here with me again.

Frank's Birthday Dinner

Thursday September 5, 1991

Stayed in bed til 10 a.m. Just feeling out-of-sorts. My back is much better today. By 1 p.m. I'm ready to leave to pick up invitations for reunion and forms from Dr. Bienstock for family blood donation for my surgery. Gary and Frank want to donate blood for me just in case I should need it, though I shouldn't.

Frank is working at Lemona. I'll meet him later and will go to Gary's for Frank's birthday dinner.

I am starved when we arrive at Gary's. Luckily, Maria has a veggie plate waiting for us. We eat most of it and then a nice dinner of chicken and beef shish-ka-bobs, and chocolate cake and ice cream. Frank blows out the candles and they give him presents. We drag home about 10 p.m.

Bizarre! I have noticed that almost every time Mom has chemo her aches and pains are better the next day. I'm wondering if the chemo drugs have anti-inflammatory properties. It doesn't appear that chemo #6 has made her sick at all.

Even at 56 Frank still gets a birthday party! How sweet! I have to say that my brother Gary and his wife were and still are wonderful hosts.

My Birthday!!

Sunday May 26, 1991

A birthday in Hawaii! Donna and Bob hung a birthday banner and balloons over the counter in our Maui condo. They gave me a lovely bell and a very sentimental card. Frank gave me the same gift he will give me again tonight. Ha ha! We awake at 6 a.m. after 9 hours sleep.

After exploring the grounds out to the ocean, past the pool, shuffleboard and tennis courts, we attended orientation to hear about all the things there are to do. Doning our bathing suits we drove down the coast looking at several beaches, all the way down to the National Volcanic Reserve--lava everywhere.

After an hour on a lovely beach closer to our condo we returned to dress for dinner. We meet Chris and all at Buzz's Restaurant for a lovely birthday dinner of giant prawns and chicken. Then we had yogurt and brought all back to our condo. Chris gave me a lovely nightie and matching kimono and a plant (lily) from Cathy Thomas. Feeling great except left eye blurring problem lasting 30 minutes at 8 p.m.

Buzz's Wharf Restaurant recently celebrated 40 years of operation, and is one of Maui's oldest restaurants. It is a landmark in Ma'alaea Bay Harbor near Kihei. This is where we celebrated mom's 57th birthday. She was so happy to see us, especially her beloved grandson Justin, who was 10 years old.

Gary's Boys

Tuesday May 21, 1991

Walked to the bank today. Treated myself to a hot dog. Felt great the whole time. Didn't feel a bit tired. My energy level is at a peak again. My backache is better and the stiffness in my shoulders and neck is almost gone.

When Frank arrives home we relax together reading the paper and mail.

Gary is taking us to dinner at the Odyssey Restaurant to celebrate my birthday so we arrive at his house at 6:30. The four of us have a lovely dinner. We all pig out on the great salad bar.

Back at Gary's we all watch some TV and soon the boys are home from practice. Great boys!

We come home and have chocolate yogurt with hot fudge.

First of all, I have to laugh. Right after mom says she has to stop eating so much because she has gained a whole 2 pounds, she goes out for a chocolate malt and then yogurt with hot fudge. Her daughter has this same problem with resolutions!

In 1989 Mom and Frank, my brother Gary and his wife Maria with Maria's two boys Gabe and Joe, along with my husband Ric and I and my son Justin went camping at a cabin at Lake Almanor. Her best friend Donna and Donna's husband Bob joined us and we had a great time together. We celebrated Donna's birthday and Frank's birthday the same night on our vacation. Gary always treated Maria's two boys as his own and raised them from the time they were toddlers. Many years later he and Maria had twin boys together, but by then Joe and Gabe were well into their teenage years. Mom doted on Gabe and Joe just as she did my son Justin. Pictured above is Mom with her arms around my son Justin, who is 8 years old in the photo, Gabe is behind his brother Joe. Gabe is 11 and Joe is 9 in this photo. Lake Almanor is in the background.

Pancakes for Breakfast

Saturday April 20, 1991

I wake Frank up with "I want pancakes for breakfast!" The nausea is finally gone. I'm alive! Still a little weak from the 17 pounds I've lost. I manage one pancake and a little scrambled egg. It actually tastes good! No more jello! Go slow--don't rush it!

By noon I feel good enough to go shopping with Chris for a card and gifts for Tayler Rae. We're gone an hour. I'm tired when we get home.

Gary, Maria, Junior and Joseph have arrived. They brought tri-tip roast and fresh strawberries and a birthday cake for Chris. Gift clothes they give Chris Don't fit so we go shopping again for 2 hours. Feels great to be out and about. I have no pain at all.

Gary and Maria and Chris and Ric are talking about when and where to get married and about babies they want. I have alot to look forward to.

We have a grand and glorious day! Friends from square dance bring me a plant from the club.

Mom and Frank were supposed to visit me in Sonoma County on my birthday April 9. Instead mom was checking herself into the hospital that day. 11 days later I was visiting her after her cancer diagnosis. That was sweet of my brother Gary and his wife Maria to bring a belated birthday cake. Gary and Maria did get married the following year in June 1992 and Ric and I got married a week later on June 15. Besides her beloved grandson Justin, mom did get one more grandchild before she died. Derek was 10 months old when she died, so he never got the chance to know her. His brother Ryan was born two years later and Gary and Maria's twin boys Austin and Robert were born in 1996.