I Don't Think Ric Can Make Chris Happy

Saturday December 28, 1991

We work hard all day to get the house back into shape for company again tomorrow. The Turpins called and are coming by. That makes me very happy.

I call Chris to see how well they did going home yesterday. They had to take 99 home as 5 was closed. They had wind and dust til Modesto, then rain all the way home. It took them 10 hours. John was upset they got Justin home about 8 p.m.

Chris is upset and crying alot. She's been throwing up again. I think it's caused by the stress she feels there. She was not sick here. Ric is no help. He's watching football on TV. Chris needs help cause she's sick and Ric has asked him family (cousins) over to visit in the afternoon without asking Chris.

Justin has gone skiing in Tahoe with John.

Sorry, I don't think Ric can make Chris happy. He's not loving or considerate.

It has been several weeks since my last post because I read mom's entry and just did not know how to respond without being unkind. This is my most personal and difficult post so far. First let me say that of course I was stressed after driving home in a windstorm that closed the main Interstate highway from Southern to Northern California, then getting my son back to his dad late and facing his anger. All of this while dealing with my pregnancy nausea, which was exacerbated by driving in the car. While seeing my family in Simi Valley did lift my spirits, by no means was my nausea gone. I remember vividly that Justin pushed me around the Ronald Reagan Library in a wheelchair during our visit because I felt so sick. Once we returned home and Justin was back with his dad, there was nothing but nausea and puking to look forward to for the next 6-1/2 months. Mom always taught me to be self-reliant and strong. I tried to make my own meals, but just opening the refrigerator downstairs and seeing all the food inside would make me puke right there on the kitchen floor. I just stayed upstairs in bed with saltine crackers and 7-Up to sustain me. I asked Ric to make me a turkey sandwich everyday for lunch. That was one of the few things I could keep down if I laid very still in bed. I remember throwing up my turkey sandwich as I lay on the delivery table 6-1/2months later.

As hard as it was for me to ask for help, Ric seemed to resent having to wait on me. Mom's intuition was always right, Ric is not loving or considerate. He is often irritable, sarcastic and critical. I had broken off our relationship the night before I found out I was pregnant. But once I knew there was a baby on the way, that baby became the most important person in the relationship. I was determined not to raise this baby in a broken home as Justin was.

I had a hard time finding a photo of Ric where he actually looks happy. After 19 years of marriage, the above photo from 2009 is the only photo I could find where he is smiling. Without a doubt that's because he is holding his beloved Brutus. Nothing makes him happy like his dog and football.

Yesterday I went to church and the pastor's message was called "Life's Not Fair!" The most important statement I brought away from that message was "Focus on what God has given you, not on what you are missing." God has blessed me in so many ways, with 3 beautiful boys, good friends, a beautiful home, and the beauty of living in Sonoma County. I choose to focus on those things, and not what my marriage is lacking. In my marriage I choose to focus on the fact that Ric is a good dad to his boys, he is skilled in so many fields, he is smart, he is informed, and he is faithful to me.