It Would Be A Relief To Die

Tuesday February 2, 1993

I don't sleep well and wake up feeling bad. I stay in bed until 11. I finally am up and dressed but sit in the chair downstairs all day with my right arm aching terribly. It makes me sick. I take Tylenol every 3-1/2 hours, but it doesn't help much.

I'm depressed today but so miserable with pain that I think it would be a relief to die. I'm ready. I hope I don't have a lot of suffering ahead of me. Yes, Frank will suffer too. My children and grandchildren will miss me when I'm gone. Poor Cathy Thomas will have most of the load caring for mother.

I pray extra hard for a cure and long life. It's all in God's hands.

I help some with the wash.

I do remember Aunt Cathy telling me that Mom felt bad about leaving Cathy to take care of Grandma Helen, who outlived Mom by 6 years and lived until the old age of 89. I never knew Mom had such pain at this point. Either I was in denial or she hid it well, probably both. It is very difficult to stay positive when in pain. Poor thing. I'm wondering why she only has Tylenol for her pain. Why hasn't the doctor given her narcotics? I have taken Hydrocodone for back pain and for hip pain, and it's the only way I can sleep. Mom is suffering not just from pain but from exhaustion.