Doubt

Tuesday September 22, 1992

I had much less pain last night and slept well. Frank has walked to his carving class so I take a walk alone.

Dr. Schwartz calls me back. I ask for some pain medicine. He is disappointed to hear I have not started my new treatment yet and upset that I am having pain. I now doubt that we made a wise decision to wait until after the trip. I pray to God that we have made a good decision.

We go visit Gene and Cathy at 6 p.m. Allison and Patrick are there so we have a nice visit. We see Guy & Lisa also. We're home at 9:30. I call Donna and we talk until 11 p.m. It's a good visit. We agree to go camping for Thanksgiving weekend.

See my post dated September 2, 2012 and her entry for September 9, 1992. That was the date that she made the fatal decision to postpone chemotherapy until after her Mediterranean cruise. I was furious with her. Looking back to her entry for that date, nowhere does she say that she prayed and asked God for wisdom and direction with this very important decision, yet this day 2 weeks later she is praying to God that she made a good decision after the fact. Proverbs 12:15 says, "Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others." Perhaps Dr. Senrad might have thought it was OK to wait, but clearly her long-time Dr. Schwartz who knew her best was very disappointed that she had not started her chemotherapy. She should have gotten a second opinion. Proverbs 15:22 says, "Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success." It is still 6 days before her trip to the Mediterranean, plenty of time to cancel. Did she think of buying travellers insurance? Surely she must have considering her health.

Guy Thomas is Uncle Gene and Aunt Cathy's youngest son. He is shown in the photo below next to Frank in the upper left corner and his wife Lisa kneels in front of Frank. Guy is holding his children Allison and Patrick.

CT Scan Results

Wednesday September 2, 1992

Today we went to see Dr. Schwartz and the last CAT scan. Dr. Schwartz was very sweet when he touched my hand to tell me the news was bad. The tumors had grown larger in 3 months, but not to feel discouraged, there were other treatments to try. We talked about Taxol kemo. I'd have to go to UCLA once a week for a 2-day stay to have it injected and the cost would be thousands for us to pay, another drug he didn't have much faith in and Dr. Semrad's pump system. I said I wanted him to call NCI for latest data. He wants to talk to Dr. Semrad.

I saw the tumors on the CAT and the blanket of cancer on the wall of my abdomen. Not a pretty sight! Quite disturbing. We went out to eat dinner after shopping Costco.

I searched the internet for CT images looking for one I imagined was similar to Mom's image. Just looking at those images was very disturbing to me, so I can just imagine how hard it was for Mom to see her own cancer in black and white. Even more disturbing though was to see the photographic images of the actual cancer on the female reproductive organs. Cancer is so ugly!

I'm Not Discouraged

Wednesday August 5, 1992

I have my nails done in the morning. I see Dr. Schwartz in the afternoon. He feels my tumors and orders a CAT. He doesn't think they have changed. Next step will be the drip system. It won't be pleasant, but it won't make me sick. Dr. Schwartz says "Don't be discouraged, cancer isn't running rampant throughout your body." I tell him I'm not discouraged. I still feel I will be healed at some point. It's just not here yet.

We have dinner at the Chinese restaurant. I start my chemo medicine at bedtime.

Mom is declaring victory over her cancer. Half the battle is won in the mind.

Good News from Dr. Schwartz

Monday July 6, 1992

We're up and doing wash, etc, so we can leave at 12 p.m. to go to Ward's for parts, then Gledhill to pick up rent and see the new baby. She's so tiny at 4 lbs 12 oz. They only have part of the rent. We meet Laura's mom. The dog Sophie is expecting pups again soon. They will keep them outside this time. Good!

Off from there to see Dr. Schwartz. He does a complete exam. He hurts me pushing and prodding to feel the tumors. My white blood count is up to 4.6. Best in a long time! He says he'll see me in a month. Good!

Frank had taken Justin to the library this morning. He got 4 books. He finished one before we got to the doctor. Justin swims and eats with Maria and boys. We eat out at Acapulco.

Chemotherapy stresses the immune system, thus reducing the white blood cell count. This is probably why Mom had a hard time getting over her summer cold. But now she is feeling better and her numbers reflect that.

Mom instilled in my brother and I a love of reading. She would take us to the library in Panorama City every two weeks to check out 10 books. I have always loved to read, and Justin does too. For two weeks every summer Justin flew down to visit Mom and Frank and she devoted herself to him during those visits. This year looks to be a bit different, as Justin spends a bit more time with my brother Gary and his family. Gary and Maria have two sons just a little bit older than Justin, and they had a great time swimming in Gary's pool. Not much fun to drag Justin along to rental houses and doctor appointments.

The Honeymoon

Wednesday June 17, 1992

I finally reached Chris tonight about 10 p.m. They had a nice trip home, staying last night near Monterey. Today they went through the Monterey Aquarium. Justin pushed Chris in a wheelchair.

I'm still exhausted and slightly nauseous in the morning. Frank is still working on the Simi rental even though we rented it last night to a couple in their 40s plus a 17-year-old daughter and mom 77 years old. I really like them. I hope they stay a long time.

At 3:30 I see Dr. Swartz my oncologist. We have a real good talk. I really like him alot. He understands and respects me. He called the doctor at Kaiser Hollywood to talk about the pump. Dr. Swartz was impressed.

I am so tired, I can hardly stay awake driving.

If sleeping in my mother's house on my wedding night while my husband watched TV downstairs was depressing, the next night was even worse. We drove up Highway 101 and stayed the night in Motel 6 in Kings City, a highway stop in the central valley of California. Motel 6 is just about the cheapest motel you can find, usually $29-$69/night. The room is tiny with 2 double beds pressed against opposite walls with just enough room between the beds to walk to the tiny bathroom. Carmen, my mother-in-law slept in one double bed, Ric and I in the other, and poor Justin slept on the floor in the tiny closet area outside the bathroom. As usual, Ric insisted on having the TV on all night. The next morning we drove across the coastal mountains to Monterey and visited the famous Monterey Aquarium.

So glad that Mom and Frank found a new tenant they like. Ric and I just rented the house we bought in May 1992, the one Mom and Frank visited us on May 20, 1992, just days after our move. I was 7 months pregnant when we moved in and Derek was born July 14. The couple we rented the house to last Saturday is the same age Ric and I were in 1992, the wife is 7 months pregnant with their first child, and the baby boy is due on July 14! It sounds to me like God brought them right to our doorstep. It's such a great feeling to rent to a tenant who really loves and appreciates the house, especially when it is one we have lived in and made it our home. In this case, we lived in the house on Wellington Circle for 9 years. Hopefully, our new tenants will stay just as long. We can only hope!

Surviving Cancer

Wednesday June 4, 1992

We're on our way to Kaiser on Sunset in Hollywood by 9:30 for a 10:45 a.m. appointment. I'm hoping to see the oncologist I saw in November 1991 about using the pump/drip on me. I strike it rich and all 3 oncologists confer in the exam room with Frank and I. Two examine my pelvis area and concur there is a 3x3 mass on the right and a smaller mass on the left. Dr. Simrad says he could put me on the pump now because I do have measurable cancer. He's had some success with it. He says ovarian cancer keeps coming back and the goal is to keep me alive 1-5 years. I'm OK with that but of course hope there will be a new cure before it's too late for me. This is a devil cancer. It keeps dividing and resists treatment.

We see Dr. Schwartz in the afternoon and tell him where we've been. We have all decided to try the pills he offers first. If that fails then the pump.

As shown on the American Cancer Society's chart above, in 2009 ovarian cancer represents 3% of cancers in women, but 5% of deaths from cancer. It is a deadly cancer because it's symptoms are vague and there is no diagnostic testing to catch it in it's early stages. On the other hand breast cancer respresents 27% of cancers in women and only 15% of cancer deaths. I had my annual mammogram last week and then received a phone call yesterday that they needed another image of my left breast. What does that mean? Did they see something suspicious on the mammogram? My appointment is tomorrow morning, 25 days before my 59th birthday. Mom died 25 days before her 59th birthday.

Taxol

Thursday May 28, 1992

I have a nagging feeling that Frank should go with me today to see Dr. Schwartz. He doesn't offer and I hate to ask. He has SO much to do at the rental house. Dr. Schwartz has bad news. My CAT scan from 2 weeks ago shows 2 new tumors in my lower abdomen. One is on my bowel and one is a lymph node. Both are the size of a quarter. This means my current chemo medicine is not doing the job. He would love to put me on Taxol right now but it is in such short supply he can't get it. Taxol is brand new and really works well about 30% of the time. He has one more drug to try and then I should try to get Taxol at UCLA.

Frank, Gary, Maria and boys and I go out to pizza for dinner. They take the bad news real well.

Mom's intuition was right on. She knew the news was going to be bad because of the nagging pains she had been feeling in her abdomen. As I blog Mom's journal entries, every once in awhile I come across an "if only" entry, and today is one of those days. "If only" Mom had been able to get Taxol started at this time, she might have beaten the cancer. Taxol was discovered in a U.S. National Cancer Institute program at the Research Triangle Institute in 1967 when it was isolated from the bark of the Pacific yew tree, which grows in the Pacific Northwest. When it was developed commercially by Bristol-Myers Squibb (BMS) the generic name was changed to paclitaxel. It is used to treat patients with lung, ovarian and breast cancer. From 1967 to 1993, almost all paclitaxel produced was derived from bark from the Pacific yew, the harvesting of which kills the tree in the process, so there were ecological concerns to harvesting the bark and therefore a very limited supply of the drug. By the end of 1995 paclitaxel was produced semisynthetically and the yew tree was safe from harvesting. At this time the drug became much easier to get. Unfortunately, this was too late for Mom.

Dr. Bienstock Does Not Give Me Hope or Encouragement

Thursday April 30, 1992 The L.A. Riots Continue

Frank must work on the Marvel house today so I go alone to Woodland Hills to see Dr. Bienstock. I'm shocked when I arrive. There are 6 fire engines there. For an instant I think the madmen who set all of L.A. ablaze last night might have been here. But no, it was a gas line outside in a construction area. But the building I'm to enter has been evacuated. Soon everything is back to normal and I'm with Dr. Bienstock for an exam. He still insists a look-see operation in July is unnecessary. He claims it would weaken my immune system and studies show it's no more effective to treat the cancer when there is some than more. I can't agree with that.

He calls Dr. Swartz to discuss. I hear Dr. Swartz backing down after he said to me, "If Dr. Bienstock won't operate we'll find another doctor who will." I am hurt. Dr. Bienstock agrees to send me to Kaiser Sunset for a second opinion. I like that.

I am so upset by Dr. Bienstock and the L.A. riots I hurry home on the verge of tears. Dr. Bienstock does not give me hope or encouragement. I feel he doesn't expect me to live long.

It is rare for Mom to be emotional. She is normally strong and stoic. But on this day her emotions got the best of her. Normally she has Frank at her side for support when she meets with her doctors, but today she is alone. Then she is shocked and disturbed at the prospect that the L.A. riots have spread to Kaiser Hospital in Woodland Hills, and then that the building is evacuated for a gas leak. She finally gets to see her oncologist, but she feels betrayed by him, like he is dismissing her as a lost cause. Even her regular doctor backs down after telling her at first that they will find another surgeon who will operate. I would be crying my eyes out! Having a doctor who is on my side is so important to me. The Kaiser health care system is set up to discourage surgeries in order to minimize their costs. When I suffered a herniated disk in my lower back 4 years ago, I had to drive 2 hours to see a specialist and then I had to insist on surgery. They didn't want to do it, but at least my surgeon left the final decision up to me. I respect him for that. I am glad I had the surgery and my only regret is that I had to wait so long to get it scheduled that I had some permanent nerve damage.

Treadmill Test

Wednesday April 15, 1992

Income Tax Filing Day.

We're up and off to Kaiser Woodland Hills, no breakfast for me. I'm having a treadmill test. I didn't sleep well from 4 a.m. Don't know why. Maybe concern about the treadmill test. I pass the test great! No clogged arteries so my chest pain is not my heart. Last night after climbing the stairs and putting on my gown my upper chest, shoulders and arms to the elbow tightened in pain. I layed down, Frank got my nitroglycerin, I put one under my tongue and in about 5 minutes it was over.

Next I saw Dr. Swartz. He checked all my lymph nodes. Though my white blood count was only 2.9 he decided to give me "5 FU" chemo injection. Normal is 10. I must really be careful not to get germs from anyone. My resistance is soooo low.

We go out to lunch, go to Costco, bank, etc and Marvel house. They finished moving out today finally.

We have dinner, I make some phone calls and fall asleep on the couch about 9 p.m.

I have never had a treadmill test, but I imagine I would be a little nervous about it too and perhaps lose some sleep. I'm surprised she was not supposed to have breakfast before the test. It sure does sound like her symptoms just the night before were heart disease of some kind. I wonder if having a low white cell count would account for her fatigue or perhaps even her chest pains?

I had to laugh out loud when Mom says she has to avoid getting germs from anyone because of low resistance and then goes right out to run errands around town. Does she think that anyone with germs will be home in bed?

Kemo #5

Wednesday January 22, 1992

I'm feeling a bit better today. I'm sure I'll be OK to go to the doctor and have kemo. We are at Kaiser from 11 to 1:30. Dr. Schwartz doesn't think I should worry about the bleeding. He doesn't think my aching teeth are related to kemo. After kemo we go to lunch at Bob's for hamburgers, salad and fries.

At home in the evening we snack on popcorn instead of dinner. My cough is still heavy and full of phlegm.

Aching teeth? Maybe that's related to her cold, although I have never had that symptom. It seems to me that every time Mom has kemo, they go out to lunch afterwards. I guess it can't be too bad!