My Bowels Are Working Better

Tuesday December 15, 1992

I'm lazy today. Don't do much of anything. My bowels seem to be working about 1/2 normal size today. Maybe the tumors are shrinking and not squashing my bowels like they were the past few months.

She is lazy today. She wrote hardly anything in her journal. But that's OK, I'm glad she is resting.

Inoperable Tumors

Tuesday November 3, 1992

I awake at 6:28, turn off the alarm which has not gone off for 6:30 and get up, shower and get ready for Dr. Semrad. I'm ready for the inconvenience of the pump. I have shaved and washed my hair.

The traffic is terrible; we arrive at 9:10. The nurse takes me into the room about 9:25. Dr. Semrad asks how I feel. I say better but still have some throat and chest discomfort. He is concerned; looks in my throat and finds redness, swollen tonsils and puss pockets. I have no fever. He says it may be a virus. He cannot put the catheter in as it would probably get infected too. I must take an antibiotic and come back next Tuesday for my implant. I am very disappointed. I feel I'm running out of time. I feel my cancer is really growing. It is affecting my bowels now. Dr. Semrad delivers a terrible blow when he says they will have to do a colostomy if it gets too bad. I say no, you can operate! He says no, they cannot operate to remove my tumors because there are so many, not just large ones. I am stunned. I always assumed they could always go in and remove the large tumors when they became a problem. I felt like he gave me a death sentence. I wanted to cry.

If I don't get on the pump soon it will be too late. It will take some time for it to begin to work on my cancer and shrink my tumors. Every day I feel more pressure and pains . Lately, I have so little energy. I can't do much at all.

After the doctor we return to Simi. We vote, have lunch at IHOP and rent 2 movies for tonight. We go out to dinner and go to Newbury Park to meet new tenants. They don't show. Frank calls them and a police officer answers to say they are conducting a narcotics investigation. X those tenants.

This post makes me want to cry too. Mom has not had chemotherapy for almost 6 months at this point, so it's no wonder the cancer is spreading. At first she was enjoying her life like nothing was wrong, but now the spreading cancer is depleting her energy, robbing her of the activities she enjoys, including eating, and causing her abdominal pain and digestive problems. Having a colonoscopy bag would be out-of-the question for Mom who was very vain about her appearance.

I am finding it harder and harder to check in on Mom's journal, which I used to do on an almost daily basis. When her journal entries are news of pain, sadness and discouragement, it makes me feel sad too.

Update March 12, 2013 In today's New York Times the following article appeared, which specifically addresses the issue of removing all the small abdominal tumors:

"Flaws in Ovarian Cancer Care"

Study finds nonspecialists treat most women.

Most women with ovarian cancer receive inadequate care and miss out on treatments that could add a year or more to their lives, a new study has found. The results highlight what many experts say is a neglected problem: widespread, persistent flaws in the care of women with this disease, which kills 15,000 a year in the United States. About 22,000 new cases are diagnosed annually, most of them discovered at an advanced stage and needing aggressive treatment. Worldwide, there are about 200,000 new cases a year.

Cancer specialists around the country say the main reason for the poor care is that most women are treated by doctors and hospitals that see few cases of the disease and lack expertise in the complex surgery and chemotherapy that can prolong life.....What works best is meticulous, extensive surgery and aggressive chemotherapy. Ovarian cancer spreads inside the abdomen, and studies have shown that survival improved if women have surgery called debulking to remove all visible traces of the disease.

Abdomenal Tumors

Monday September 21, 1992

I had alot of pain in bed last night, probably from eating too much too late. It seemed I could find no comfortable position to lay. All the pain is in the lower abdomen where the tumors are. The cancer on my abdomen wall gives me a full or uncomfortable feeling.

I drive Maria to the doctor in Panorama City. We have a nice visit.

At home I do the laundry and feel pretty good today.

We go square dancing at 7:30. I feel a bit tired and edgy so come home early at 9 p.m. We watch TV.

Frank went to Guardian today and bought a frame for mother's toilet to help her get up and down. Also a grab bar for her shower. Gene will go next weekend to install them.

I admire a man who is a good handyman, like my Uncle Gene, like Frank, and like my husband Ric. I am not handy at all. When I talked to my Aunt Cathy this weekend she told me how Uncle Gene always has a project around the house that he's working on. That keeps him active, both physically and mentally, and keeps him healthy.

It's no wonder Mom has difficulty getting comfortable at night with all those tumors on her abdomenal wall. One of the classic signs of ovarian cancer is feeling full and bloated.

Seeing My Enemy Made It Real

Thursday September 3, 1992

Kinda bummed today. I really knew the CAT would not be good news but seeing my enemy really made it real. At least I know what to visualize now I've seen it. But we hadn't known about the blanket on my abdomen wall. I seem to feel more pain and discomfort today.

I call my Mom to give her the latest news. She was distressed, but reassuring that God would answer our prayers and heal me. I called Cathy Thomas also.

I must step up my praying and do the visualization exercises daily.

I have the sinking feeling that seeing her enemy yesterday will be a turning point for Mom. Up to this point she is happily living her life as if nothing is wrong, blissfully in denial. I guess that saying "Ignorance Is Bliss" applied in this situation. Maybe it's better not to see the enemy?

Taxol

Thursday May 28, 1992

I have a nagging feeling that Frank should go with me today to see Dr. Schwartz. He doesn't offer and I hate to ask. He has SO much to do at the rental house. Dr. Schwartz has bad news. My CAT scan from 2 weeks ago shows 2 new tumors in my lower abdomen. One is on my bowel and one is a lymph node. Both are the size of a quarter. This means my current chemo medicine is not doing the job. He would love to put me on Taxol right now but it is in such short supply he can't get it. Taxol is brand new and really works well about 30% of the time. He has one more drug to try and then I should try to get Taxol at UCLA.

Frank, Gary, Maria and boys and I go out to pizza for dinner. They take the bad news real well.

Mom's intuition was right on. She knew the news was going to be bad because of the nagging pains she had been feeling in her abdomen. As I blog Mom's journal entries, every once in awhile I come across an "if only" entry, and today is one of those days. "If only" Mom had been able to get Taxol started at this time, she might have beaten the cancer. Taxol was discovered in a U.S. National Cancer Institute program at the Research Triangle Institute in 1967 when it was isolated from the bark of the Pacific yew tree, which grows in the Pacific Northwest. When it was developed commercially by Bristol-Myers Squibb (BMS) the generic name was changed to paclitaxel. It is used to treat patients with lung, ovarian and breast cancer. From 1967 to 1993, almost all paclitaxel produced was derived from bark from the Pacific yew, the harvesting of which kills the tree in the process, so there were ecological concerns to harvesting the bark and therefore a very limited supply of the drug. By the end of 1995 paclitaxel was produced semisynthetically and the yew tree was safe from harvesting. At this time the drug became much easier to get. Unfortunately, this was too late for Mom.

God is Working Through Me

Monday June 24, 1991

I awake at 7:20 ready to get up. I am sleeping very well these days, and feeling very positive about my cancer. I feel so well it's easy to just know I am getting better every day. I know the tumors are shrinking daily. My thoughts are constantly positive. Actually, I rarely even think about my cancer, but somehow I seem to find a reason to share it with most everyone I meet. I don't do it for sympathy. I seem to just want to share my good news about how God is working through me. My story is so positive and good. People seem drawn to me and truly like me. It's always been that way, all my life. Maybe that's just because I'm so positive about life. Life is good, but there are always challenges.

We take our walk in the morning and go square dancing in the evening.

It has been 4 months since I began reading mom's journals and posting to this blog. I'm always excited to see what she has to say next. It has taken me almost 20 years to begin reading her journal. This journey has been an adventure for me, part travelogue, part medical education, but most importantly a spiritual journey. Her attitude is always positive, trusting God through the power of prayer. It takes alot of courage to share her story with friends and sometimes even strangers. I love her statement that she wants to share the good news about how God is working through her, about how life is good, but there are always challenges. It reminds me of Romans 8:28 which says "We know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to his purpose." Mom did not view her cancer as a catastrophe or a crisis, but simply all part of God's plan to do good in her life.