Seeing My Enemy Made It Real

Thursday September 3, 1992

Kinda bummed today. I really knew the CAT would not be good news but seeing my enemy really made it real. At least I know what to visualize now I've seen it. But we hadn't known about the blanket on my abdomen wall. I seem to feel more pain and discomfort today.

I call my Mom to give her the latest news. She was distressed, but reassuring that God would answer our prayers and heal me. I called Cathy Thomas also.

I must step up my praying and do the visualization exercises daily.

I have the sinking feeling that seeing her enemy yesterday will be a turning point for Mom. Up to this point she is happily living her life as if nothing is wrong, blissfully in denial. I guess that saying "Ignorance Is Bliss" applied in this situation. Maybe it's better not to see the enemy?

CT Scan Results

Wednesday September 2, 1992

Today we went to see Dr. Schwartz and the last CAT scan. Dr. Schwartz was very sweet when he touched my hand to tell me the news was bad. The tumors had grown larger in 3 months, but not to feel discouraged, there were other treatments to try. We talked about Taxol kemo. I'd have to go to UCLA once a week for a 2-day stay to have it injected and the cost would be thousands for us to pay, another drug he didn't have much faith in and Dr. Semrad's pump system. I said I wanted him to call NCI for latest data. He wants to talk to Dr. Semrad.

I saw the tumors on the CAT and the blanket of cancer on the wall of my abdomen. Not a pretty sight! Quite disturbing. We went out to eat dinner after shopping Costco.

I searched the internet for CT images looking for one I imagined was similar to Mom's image. Just looking at those images was very disturbing to me, so I can just imagine how hard it was for Mom to see her own cancer in black and white. Even more disturbing though was to see the photographic images of the actual cancer on the female reproductive organs. Cancer is so ugly!

I Have To Face My Disease

Monday August 17, 1992

Up and off to get my nails done at 10:45. I don't feel very well today. I ate a big breakfast, last meal til after my CAT at 2:00. Then at 8:00 a.m. I drank 1/2 of the medium. I hate drinking that stuff. It's thick and creamy and tastes a little like tangerine.

At 12:45 Frank and I leave for Kaiser Woodland Hills. I drink the rest of the medium at 1:30 and 2 p.m. I'm on the table waiting 1/2 hour for the nurse to come put the IV in my arm. It then takes another 30 minutes. I don't like getting a CAT. I have to face my disease. At home I rarely think about it.

I'm hungry for Mexican food so we eat out in Simi early dinner. Later we dress and go square dancing. We have a great time. Frank fixed the air conditioner this morning, a fuse!

It sounds like the reason Mom doesn't like a CT scan is not because of the endless waiting at the hospital, the claustrophic feeling of having your body in a small tube, or even drinking the nasty-tasting thick contrast medium. The reason is that it makes her admit that she has cancer. Mom had a very busy social life with lots of travels, adventures, dances and fun, but I imagined she was always conscious of the fact that she was battling a life-threatening disease. It sounds here like she never gave it much thought. Positive thinking or denial?

We Chide Gary About Getting Married

Wednesday May 13, 1992

Up early so i can have breakfast before I start drinking the media for my CAT scan today. Then I make spaghetti sauce and salad to take to Gary's tonight. I fix breakfast for Mom when she gets up about 10 a.m. She seems so feeble and needs to hold on for fear of falling. I worry how she manages at home. This is the last time she will drive here herself.

My CAT scan goes OK, but I am worried about injecting chemo drugs on top of what they injected for CAT. Not to worry, my platelets are too low, 5500; they must be at least 11,000 for chemo. I must worry about bleeding. My blood won't clot.

We have a lovely dinner and visit at Gary's. We chide him about getting married. He's been with Maria 10 years now.

My brother Gary is never one to rush into anything. Ten years is a long time to date the same woman. I think Mom is pushing him to "pop the question" so that she can look forward to more grandbabies. Maria has two teenage boys Joe and Gabe, but Mom thinks it would be nice for Gary to have a biological child. But Mom is not one to tease. She and Frank dated for 8 years before they got married.

Grandma Helen is 84 years old at this time and even though she is becoming feeble, it is amazing that she is still driving 4 hours from Desert Hot Springs to visit her children. I'm not sure it was her idea or Mom's that this would be her last time making that drive. Grandma Helen, as well as her mother Grandma Johnson always prided herself for being a strong independent woman, and being able to drive gave her alot of independence. It would be 5 more years before she passed away, outliving her daughter.

The Crystal Cathedral

Friday December 27, 1991

Up early to get Chris and Ric fed and off for home at 10 a.m. Then we head for Kaiser where I have a CT scan. From there we go to Marty and Kathy's. We all leave at 4:30 for The Crystal Cathedral to see "The Glory of Christmas". It's a great show! Afterward, we all go to dinner at Baker Square. We go to Marty and Kathy's for dessert and to watch a video. It's a really nice afternon and evening.

Located in Garden Grove, California, the Crystal Cathedral is still in operation and has a congregation of over 10,000 members and the internationally televised "Hour of Power." Although not as large as the Crystal Cathedral, I recently found out that the church I attended as a teenager in the late 1960s (First Baptist Church of Van Nuys) dissolved in 1989. It seated almost 2000 at each service.

Discussion of the Portable Pump

Wednesday December 11, 1991

Up at 7 a.m. to get ready to go to Kaiser Sunset Hollywood Clinic to meet with a team of doctors to discuss the pump. Dr. Senarad doesn't think I'm a good candidate because he has nothing to measure how well it is doing. My cancer does not show up in a CT scan. He suggests I have another CT and if there are visible tumors now he will reconsider.

We stop for lunch and then go to Woodland Hills Kaiser where I make an appointment for a CT for Christmas Eve and I have a mammogram.

I have a talk with the head of Oncology. I state my case against Dr. Bix and request Dr. Schultz. She will look into it and call me tomorrow. It's been 8 days since Dr. Bix said I'll call you tomorrow through Dr. Russack.

We go to the movies to see "Hook" and eat out--tacos.

The use of a portable pump and port-a-cath allows medication to be given over several days in the home rather than as a patient in the hospital. The port-a-cath is placed under the skin on the chest as shown in the above illustration. The catheter is then inserted into the superior vena cava vessel at the entrance to the right atrium of the heart.

It's been 20 years since Mom had her CT scans. Imaging techniques have improved and lower doses of radiation are needed for the images. It's a shame that her tumors did not show up on the CT scans in 1991 even though they saw them when she had surgery.

Chemo #5

Tuesday August 6, 1991

Off to Kaiser about 10:30 a.m. for chemo at 11:30. I was supposed to have a cat scan at 8:30 but we forgot to go pick up the contrast media yesterday so will have to reschedule. It will be August 20. I bring media home with me today. Chemo goes OK. They still have trouble finding a vein in my hand to put the IV into. The tranquilizer makes me so drowzy I hardly remember anything this day. I can't stay awake at all at home. We have a big lunch out so dinner is some cheese and crackers before bed.

I sleep very well all night but I do take the nausea medicine all night and tomorrow.

OK, so I thought contrast media was a strange term, so I looked it up on Wikipedia, which states that "contrast MEDIUM is a substance used to enhance the contrast of structures or fluids within the body in medical imaging. It is commonly used to enhance the visibility of blood vessels and the gastrointestinal tract." Barium sulfate is the most common type of oral contrast agent.

The most common tranquilizer used with chemotherapy is Lorazepam. It prevents nausea, the most common side effect of the chemo.