Sick Today

Saturday January 9, 1993

I didn't sleep well last night. Awake with my chest hurting and feel sick all over. I take a pain pill. It helps alot but don't feel well enough to get up and dressed. I spend the day in bed, sleeping off and on. About 5 I dress and come down for dinner. I thought leftover Chinese sounded good but manage only a feeble attempt to eat. Still no appetite and nothing sounds good.

Today I had toast and orange juice and yogurt. I go to bed at 10 p.m. and sleep quite well.

It will be just a few more months before Mom passes, and her bad days will begin to outnumber her good days. It is becoming more and more difficult for me to read her journal and I find that I am posting less frequently than when her life is fun and going well. Partly it hurts me to to hear about her suffering, and partly I don't want this blog to end. Even though it took Mom just over 2 years to write her journal, I am in my 4th year of publishing it. It helps me feel close to her and to remember her. Of course I want to remember the good times though, and not so much the painful times.

Virus, Flu or Chemo?

Wednesday December 30, 1992

It's a real struggle to get ready to leave for the doctor at 8:45. I feel just awful. I ache all over and my chest hurts. It hurts more when I take a deep breath, even in my neck. Last night my temp was 100.1. Two doctors examine me and talk to me. My X-rays are fine. I could have a virus, flu or a reaction to the chemo. If I'm not better in a couple of days I should disconnect my chemo pump.

At home I take a pain pill and a nap. When I get up I feel so much better. I manage to be sociable downstairs with Donna & Bob. At 3:30 they leave to visit Mark (Bob's son) and family. I lay down with another pain pill.

How awful to have company when she is feeling so awful, even her best friend Donna. It must have been hard for her to put on a happy face. I know when I am sick or in pain, the last thing I want is people around me. I think that's because of the way Mom raised me. As a young girl, when I was sick she didn't make me chicken soup or pamper me. She left me alone, said confidently that I would be fine, and left for work.

Sick and Tired

Thursday August 6, 1992

I awake at 2 a.m. and cannot sleep soundly the rest of the night. At 7 a.m. I'm sick and vomiting. Frank brings me a fudgecicle and I feel better. But I'm so tired. Frank colors my hair for me about 10 a.m. and I go back to bed. I sleep most of the day. I'm up and cleaned up by 5 p.m.

Frank goes to the market for vegies and I make a salad. At 7 p.m. we are at a potluck dinner at the Turners. It's good. I handle it well. I don't have the energy to square dance so all 8 of us watch the Olympics. We're the first to leave at 10:30.

Always pushing herself! If it lifts her spirits though, I guess it's worth it to go to a party when she's sick. She had a bad reaction to the chemo she took the night before.

Mom's The Only One Not Sick

Tuesday December 24, 1991

Frank goes to breakfast in the valley with Robbie. He is home about 10:30 and is sick. He has a sore throat and aches all over. He is miserable.

We all go to the movies to see "Father Of The Bride". It's funny! We go for yogurt. Ric refuses to buy one for Justin. Chris gives Justin money to buy one. We would have done so. I'm angry at Ric. That was cruel. No reason I can see. Later Chris tells me Ric was mad at Justin because he didn't thank him for the movie. Dumb, real dumb!

We come home to relax. Chris tires easily. I make popcorn for Justin. I comment at dinner, "I'm the only one not sick and I'm supposed to be." I do feel good except for aches and pains.

I'm working hard cooking, cleaning, etc. No help at all from Chris. Thank God for my precious helpful Frank. But I enjoy doing it and having them here.

That WAS dumb AND cruel, and obviously I felt bad since I gave Justin money for yogurt. Ric and I have two teenage boys now and we give them money for the movies almost every weekend. They rarely say "thank you." I think Ric has always been easier on his biological children and harsher with Justin. No wonder Justin resents him.

This is my last entry for August 2011, my 259th entry since I began, my 40th this month. There have been 10,000 hits on my blog on the Internet since I began. I'm glad someone is looking. I am 58 years old now, the same age Mom was when she passed away. I have completed 9 months of mom's journal and have 16 months to go. I am always excited to turn the page to see what comes next. So far her days have been filled with adventure, friends and family. I know as I continue, it will become more painful to turn the page. I have enjoyed creating this legacy to leave behind to my children and to those who knew Mom.