A Nice Phone Call with Justin

Wednesday October 16, 1991

I'm up and moving a bit earlier as I have a 10 a.m. appointment for my nails. Frank drives me and then we go to lunch at the Sizzler. I surprise myself and eat it all. Guess my appetite has returned.

I'm tired by the time we get home and I relax the rest of the day. My belly is really itching. I can hardly keep from touching it. Is it healing or?

I call Justin to just talk. He's at John's house. We have a wonderful 20-30 minutes. I thank him for the great letter he wrote. It's so grown up sounding and so full of love and concern.

Justin flew to Los Angeles for a week or two every summer, starting when he was 4 years old, to visit his grandma. I'm so thankful that he got to know her well and spend that time with her. In 1991 he was only 10 years old. In a few weeks he will turn 30, and a few weeks after that he is getting married to his fiance Briana, pictured above. Mom would have loved to have been here for that big event. I'm so sorry that my other two boys never got to know their Grandma. Derek was a baby when she died and Ryan was born 2 years later.

Recuperating at Home

Tuesday October 15, 1991

Frank goes to Lemona house and takes care of other Valley business. He brings home an application from a couple who want the house, but they don't check out very well.

I laze in bed and downstairs all morning and finally get dressed about noon. I relax all day doing very little. Still lots of phone calls and cards. God love them all who show concern.

Mom was a good friend to many and appreciated each friend who loved her and prayed for her.

How Do You Start The Washing Machine?

Monday October 14, 1991

I have slept so well every night. I am so lucky. The bleeding has almost stopped but the boil or cyst under my left eye is awful looking. I first noticed it Saturday evening. It has really come to a head and is red and swollen around it. I guess it is from the anesthesia or the morphine.

Valerie and Spencer come to visit. Frank does the laundry. These simple housekeeping tasks seem so difficult for him. I must realize they are second nature to me but strange to him. Be patient, Dolores.

Shirley and Jim Turner come by before dancing to bring me books. Frank later goes square dancing. I insist--I think he needs time out, away from me and the house.

Hah! Finally a chink in Frank's armor! Mr. Wonderful is having trouble doing laundry. I don't think my husband has ever done laundry or cleaned a bathroom. I think he has vacuumed once or twice. This morning I asked if he could get me a roll of paper towels and he did not know where we keep them after living in this house for 7 years! Come to think of it, I think I am the only one in the house who knows how to replace the papers towels or toilet paper on the holders!

Recovering at Home

Sunday October 13, 1991

Frank fixes us breakfast and brings mine upstairs to me. He leaves for Lemona and Gary's house to mow and water. Maria sends home cheesecake for us. Gary is painting his living room so will come to visit me in a day or so.

I spend a lazy morning upstairs in bed with the TV. I am going to really stay off my feet today. Maybe that will help my vaginal bleeding. The doctor had given me Emprin Codeine to take for the pain but I don't really need it except at bedtime.

Frank is home by lunch. He spends the afternoon working in the yard. I relax in my chair.

Knowing Mom, I am sure she was antsy to get moving. She was not much of a TV watcher except that she did start her morning watching Regis (Philbin) and Cathy Lee (Gifford) every day.

Home At Last

Saturday October 12, 1991

It's 6 a.m. and they are waking Bea to weigh her. I can't believe it! We manage to go back to sleep til 7 a.m. I'm up getting cleaned up and ready to go home. I'm so hungry by 9 a.m. when they finally bring me bacon and eggs I can hardly eat it without throwing up. It takes awhile to eat it.

The doctor and nurses are all very impressed with how I have done. My temp is 98.6 and my blood pressure has returned to normal. My bowels are working fine and I am walking with some vigor.

I have enjoyed the 7 flower arrangements and many cards and phone calls. I have enjoyed all 4 of my roommates and most of my nurses. All in all it has been an interesting 5 days and 5 nights, but I'm eager to get into the wheelchair and head home.

Once home I go straight to the shower and wash my hair and curl it and make up my eyes and dress. Doris and Helen come over with a plant. Another arrives from Dee and Steve.

Frank and I decide where to place all the flowers and I take up residence on the blue recliner chair. Frank fixes us a nice lunch and dinner and we receive a few phone calls.

My main concern is the vaginal bleeding. The doctor did not tell me what to expect. There seems like alot and it didn't start until yesterday. Where is it coming from? Didn't he stitch me closed inside?

I still have about 100 small cancers all over inside my body cavity, but Dr. Bienstock seemed to think 3 more chemos should finish them off. The big problems is how will they know? How will they know if they return? The CAT scan didn't show small ones and the CA125 blood test didn't detect them. Will he have to open me up every 6-12 months to look for cancers? I will never feel so confident with good CAT and 125 after this. Still, I have much to be grateful for and I truly am. I am as optimistic as ever and look forward to a long and beautiful future with my wonderful Frank.

I believe I must work a little harder to achieve a complete recovery. I got lazy and cocky. I will talk to God more and visualize again. I'll use self-hypnosis or whatever I can think of. My positive thinking has never waivered and that's good, but not enough. But, at least, it seems the doctors actually believe for the first time that 3 more should do it.

While I can understand Mom's excitement at being able to shower and wash her hair after 5 days, is it really necessary to put on makeup and curl her hair? I remember when Mom visited the day I came home from the hospital after my C-section with my first child in 1981, I was in bed in my nightgown, and she insisted that I get dressed. I have to admit that I felt better about myself afterwards, so maybe she was on to something.

It is disturbing to know that the CAT scan did not show 100 or so tumors. I know PET scans show more detail, and perhaps CAT scan technology has improved in the last 20 years.

PCA Morphine Drip

Friday October 11, 1991

Slept very well from 10-7 with the help of my PCA morphine. I am up cleaning up and brushing my teeth by 7:15. Feeling pretty good. I am ready to eat but still not approved by my doctor. No doctor by 11 a.m. so my nurse calls him to ask when I can eat. He says as long as I have passed gas I can have a liquid lunch. My nurse tells a fib and he approves a liquid lunch. I promise to pass gas before lunch. I can feel the rumbling now.

I am so excited to receive my first meal of clear broth, juice and jello. It tastes wonderful and sits well with my tummy. Dr. Beinstock finally arrives about 4 p.m. He says I'm doing so well I can go home tomorrow. I thought I had to have several meals before he'd release me. He says I can have a regular dinner and breakfast tomorrow, then go home.

Bea and I slept very well tonight.

PCA morphine is the acronym for Patient Controlled Analgesia, as pictured above. Mom had a morphine drip at the end of her life and it gave her a great deal of pain relief, although she didn't like the way the morphine knocked her out. When we visited her in the hospital, she would tell us she was going to give herself some morphine, that she could still hear us in her stupor even though she would not be able to talk with us, so to please continue to visit with each other.

After 5 days in the hospital, and 4 different roommates she saw come and go, she must have been very anxious to go home after her hysterectomy.

On a personal note, my husband Ric and I are leaving for Hawaii in a few days and today I was packing some clothes for our trip. The last time we went to Hawaii, and the last time on a plane, was the trip with Mom and Frank in May 1991. Mom loved to shop and she left behind several boxes loaded with clothes. I was looking through some of those clothes today for "tropical" clothing, and recognized some of the clothes from our trip in 1991. I was overcome with grief and sadness, thinking of her, and shed a few tears. I will be thinking of her on our trip. I love you, Mom.

Third Roommate

Thursday October 10, 1991

My new roommate Shelly is a big baby. Big deal when she has to give blood. She's young and Jewish--that explains it. She's nice. She's 9-1/2 weeks pregnant and having unexplained pains.

They took the tube out this morning but still no food until tomorrow. Frank called--he's going to his folks to fix a few things.

I continue to tolerate the pain quite well. This third day should have been a bad day but I didn't feel a difference. Maybe gas pains would have made a difference but still no gas pains, only belching. I'm walking more and more and walking quite straight now.

Cathy Murphy comes to visit a couple of hours. She brings a beautiful arrangement of flowers. I receive another beautiful arrangement from Myra, Jeannie and Linda. They were supposed to visit today but didn't make it.

Gary, Maria, boys and Frank visit this evening, then they go out to eat.

Way to add insult to injury! Mom is starving and has not had a bite of food for several days. Now her family is going out to a restaurant without her. At least she finally got that damn feeding tube removed today!

So her new roommmate Shelly is Jewish and that's why she doesn't like to have her blood drawn? I don't see the connection. What I am wondering is how this woman is going to make it through the pain of childbirth if she can't stand needles!

A Bittersweet Birthday

Today I digress from Mom's daily journal entries. Today is my 58th birthday. Mom passed away when she was 58, a few weeks before she would turn 59. She was way too young and full of life to be taken from me. She was my best friend, the most important person in my life, the one who would love me unconditionally through every trial, through every mistake I ever made. Every day was an adventure to her and she lived each one to the fullest. She loved her friends and family and was the one person they could confide in and receive wise advice. She loved to travel and explore new places, something I inherited from her. Perhaps that is our Swedish inheritance.

When Mom was diagnosed with cancer I was devastated and I grieved for days. My brother Gary encouraged me to come down to Southern California to visit with her so she could make ME FEEL BETTER! She did not feel sorry for herself, and yes, she did make me feel better with her determination to overcome this obstacle in her life and her assurances that everything would be fine. I do not know why God took her so young. What I do know is that God promises in Romans 8:28 that He will work all things together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. God called her home early. She was ready to go. She was completely at peace, knowing she was going to meet Jesus. I wanted that assurance for myself, and so began my spiritual journey after her passing.

The first month I attended a Hospice support group for adults who had recently lost a parent. They also had groups for those who had lost a child, a spouse, a friend. It is a wonderful organization that I have supported financially ever since. I admire those who volunteer their time and energy with both patients and with those they leave behind.

A few weeks later I began my own journal, but with a career and 2 small children to raise, life seemed to get in the way of finding time for that. When my second baby was 7 months old I started attending a small church that met in a warehouse in my hometown of Windsor. I enjoyed hearing the message every Sunday and learning about God's word. I had accepted Jesus as my personal savior as a teenager at Van Nuys Baptist Church and was baptized there in 1968. I was very involved in the youth group throughout my high school years, but after graduating from high school, I quit attending church and my spiritual life was put on the back burner. Now I felt a great need for God in my life to fill the void left by my mother's passing. When that church dissolved several years later, I sought a church where my boys could get involved in a youth group like I had experienced as a teen. Derek was 11 and Ryan was 8. Up to this point they had not attended a church, although Derek did go to church summer camp a few times. In 2003 God lead me to Spring Hills Church in Santa Rosa and my faith began to grow. Even though the church was large and I did not know a soul, this church encouraged small groups and bible studies throughout the week. Church was not an activity I did on Sundays, but became my second family, my sanctuary. I began to dig into God's word through the bible study groups. I met other believers who encouraged me in my faith walk, and I found that praying with others was a deeply intimate experience. God became my strength, my comfort, my peace. He is the one who loves me unconditionally, just as Mom did.

Often God will bring us to Him through our pain and grief. I know for myself that Mom's death was the catalyst that lead me back to Him. I thank God for Mom, for my health, for my family, my friends and my church. I am thankful to Mom for leaving behind her legacy in her journal. Reading her journal and writing this blog makes me feel like she is here with me again.

Lots of Flowers

Wednesday October 9, 1991

Marie goes home today. Dr. Bienstock is very pleased with my recovery. He actually seemed excited today. Yesterday they gave me Gary's donated blood. I am so hungry. The tube down my throat must stay another day so I don't know when I'll get to eat.

Yesterday Frank was here 11:30-6:00. Today he came at 1:30. I received more flowers. I have lovely flowers from Chris, Shirley, Marc & family, and Bob and Anita (Judy's folks). I am up quite awhile today and walk a few trips.

The nurses are mostly Filipino, just like L.A. Frank has called everyone. He's so good. About 6 p.m. he went home. I insisted. Four people called. I told them my throat hurt from the tube and our conversations were short.

I am assuming that Marie is her grumpy roommate. How nice that Mom now had peace and quiet. I suppose she had to be on a liquid diet for some time after her surgery, but I'm wondering what is the reason for the feeding tube? I have never had a feeding tube after any of my surgeries. I thought the IV supplied fluids and nutrients the first day, followed by a liquid diet, then a soft diet, and then normal food. The tube sounds so uncomfortable. Any doctors or nurses out there to shed some light on this?

Blood Pressure Problems

Tuesday October 8, 1991

Slept most of the night in a stupor. They kept taking my blood pressure as it went very high and very low the first 24 hours.

My roommate on 5th floor coughed constantly. I think she has lung cancer.

The tube down my throat is making my throat very sore and my nose too.

About 3 p.m. they moved all the 5th floor patients to the 4th floor. My new roommate is a chronic complainer. She has nothing good to say. The nurses make so much noise outside that we cannot sleep. Besides, they wake us often for vitals. At 6 a.m. I give up trying to sleep.

Oh my how I remember being in the hospital after giving birth by C-section to all 3 of my boys. After having a sleepless night in labor and then giving birth, all I wanted to do was sleep, but no, the nurses leave the door to the room open and chat outside at the nurses station, keeping me awake. Then every 2 hours they would come in and check my incision, my temperature, my blood pressure, my IV fluids. Some women enjoy being in the hospital, but I found it always the opposite of restful and could not wait to get home. Granted with a new baby, I still did not get any rest at night, but at least I could doze during the day when the baby slept. I had 3 surgeries in 2009-2010 and was so thankful that they were outpatient procedures, check in early in the morning and go home that night.

Too bad mom had such a grumpy roommate on top of everything else. I wonder why in the world they would move the entire floor of patients to another floor? Weird and disruptive!

Surgery Day

Monday October 7, 1991

SURGERY DAY!

We drive mighty early to be at Kaiser Woodland Hills by 5:30. There are about 6 of us checking in for morning surgery. Frank stays with me until they wheel me into O.R. about 8 a.m. Frank tells me my surgery took 4 hours 15 minutes. Gary had arrived about 8:30. They went down to breakfast. After the doctor reported on what he did, I went into recovery for 2 hours. Gary and Frank finally caught up to me about 2 p.m. in my room. I remember they were there but I couldn't stay awake long enough to make a sentence. They left at 4 and 6:30. Frank stayed with me until I got a shot for pain.

My blood pressure was extremely low so they couldn't give me the morphine until the medicine worked and brought up my pressure. It was good that I couldn't stay awake, because when I was, I felt the full brunt of the pain from the surgery.

I am amazed that Mom was able to make this entry in her journal the same day as her surgery. In spite of being under the influence of pain medication, her handwriting looks about the same. My brother must have taken the day off work to be at the hospital. Nice brother, good son!

Philippians 4:6-7

Sunday October 6, 1991

I really did not want to get out of bed and face the day. I couldn't quite finish my breakfast (oatmeal). My stomach and appetite are shutting down in anticipation of no food for 3-4 days. I cannot eat after 10 a.m. and must begin drinking 2 liters of Go Lightly to flush out my bowels. I am feeling anxious and depressed. My right eye is acting up with funny vision. I decide it's time to get on my knees and ask God to help me through this day and to give strength and health to all our family and John and Gary's dads (square dancing friends). I have been praying daily for God to bring me through my surgery without pain I can handle and good health and peace of mind. My bad symptoms are gone completely when I arise. I have a nice day on the phone with lots of loved ones and friends. I get all the washing and watering done. I manage to drink all the yuck stuff.

Mom was always such an incredibly strong woman. It's almost a relief to know that she is human here. Who wouldn't be anxious? It sounds like this surgery was going to take some time to recover. I'm so glad she knew to get down on her knees and give it to God, and then to ask for prayers and encouragement from her friends as well. God gave her great wisdom in treating her anxiety. Notice how in the midst of her anxiety she is still concerned about some square dancing friends and their situations and is praying for them as well. In the front of my bible I have taped the following scripture for just such moments as these:

Last Chance to Make Love

Saturday October 5, 1991

I wake Frank to make love. Maybe the last time for awhile. I wonder how long? When will I be allowed and will it hurt? I will miss my cervix. I like having it bumped. I am at peace with my impending surgery as long as I don't think about it. So I don't think about it much. When I do I feel a panic in my chest for a second.

We spend the afternoon at Lemona Open House. Three or four families come by. Nothing happens. We are home by 5:30 and I start dinner. We are going to the first square dance Fun Dance for the class people. Frank forgets about the dance and drinks a scotch, then worries that someone might smell it. No chance after our big dinner.

We have a good time dancing with Robbie and Delores.

Of course Mom is getting more and more anxious about her surgery. Sometimes, though, the more you try NOT to think about something, the more you think about it. I'm glad she got to go square dancing this night, but I'm wondering why Frank was worried about having a drink. Are the members of their club not allowed to drink alcohol before or during a dance? As for the scotch, perhaps Frank was trying to calm his anxiety as well. I have hardly ever seen him drink more than a glass of wine.

Pre-Op Appointment Today

Friday October 4, 1991

I didn't sleep from 2:30-4:45 a.m. last night so sleep in til 9 a.m. I still don't feel rested. Maybe I'm depressed. I have my pre-op appointments today at 3 p.m. at Kaiser. I am concerned about the Lemona house but last night I couldn't stop thinking about the house we saw for Gary.

I accomplish little other than getting ready to go to Kaiser. I feel fine by then. A shower does wonders. We talk at great length with my surgeon, Dr. Bienstock. He is a 35-40 year old small Jewish man. Not bad looking, not good. His manner is polite and unrushed. I tell him I'm praying for him to have a steady, accurate hand and mind for my surgery. He tells me he has been operating 5 years and has done 4 ovarian cancer surgeries this week. When I ask how those patients are doing, he replies "Not as well as you. I removed their cancers and female organs." Dr. Bienstock says he will remove my appendix and take many biopsies while I'm on the table. We decide that morphine would probably be best as I had dry heaves with Demerol years ago.

Next we spend time with the surgery nurses going over the procedures for Monday where to check in and where they will take me and everything that will happen. We meet with the anesthesiologist. He's a nice young man but not the one who will assist on Monday. He agrees we should try morphine. Next I go to the lab to have some more blood work.

Today the doctor said I could need as much as 4 pints of blood. That's not what he said a few weeks ago. Had we known we could have asked Paul and Phil (Frank's sons) to donate. I will pray that I don't need any and that the blood Frank and Gary donated will help someone else. I signed many forms and received lots of information and booklets. We feel well informed.

We go out for Mexican food and margaritas. Later I feel ill and go to bed early.

I am completely touched. Mom is about to undergo a hysterectomy and she is losing sleep, not over worry for her health, but over the house for her son. I think in the back of her mind though she is experiencing anxiety over her surgery. She mentions being depressed and she felt ill after eating dinner.

Chris Has Appendicitis

Wednesday October 2/Thursday October 3, 1991

Still suffering from a backache, we have 2 stay-at-home relaxing days. I give Frank a perm. We go to an afternoon movie and check out a house Gary might like. It's plenty big but no pool or RV access.

Chris called Wednesday evening to say she had all the symptoms of appendicitis and had been through lots of tests at the hospital. Thursday evening she called to say all her symptoms had disappeared and it may have been an infected lymph node. I was worried and am very relieved.

We talk to Donna and I tell her not to come down while I'm in the hospital. We will probably have Thanksgiving dinner together at Chris'. Then may go camping for a few days.

Mom and Frank have begun the search to find Gary and Maria a house in Simi Valley.

I remember well that first episode of appendicitis. Apparently, sometimes the inflammation will come and go. It's too bad my appendix was not taken out this day. Later that same month I became pregnant with my son Derek and ended up having another attack of appendicitis when I was 4-1/2 months pregnant. I ended up having my appendix removed while pregnant the following March.

Mom's friend Donna was a cancer survivor, having beat breast cancer 5 years earlier. We were all so worried when we found out Donna had cancer. I'm sure Donna was just as concerned about her best friend battling ovarian cancer, and about her surgery.

Joan & Hal Larson

Tuesday October 1, 1991

We sleep in and fool around but then spring into action as Joan and Hal are coming over tonight.

Smokey (their cat) is a bad boy. He pees in the blue chair again this morning and is banished to the laundry room.

After lunch I leave for Lemona house to show it to 2 different women. Only one shows up and I hurry home.

Joan and Hal arrive about 6:30. We take a quick tour of the yard the trailer. We take them to our favorite little Japanese restaurant. They like it as much as we do. After dinner they want to head home so our evening with them ends at 9 p.m.

Joan and Hal were our neighbors who lived across the street on Lemona Avenue, the house I grew up in. Unlike the houses on our side of the street, which were typical 1950 ranch style homes on standard lots, Joan and Hal lived on a huge lot with a small custom-built home. They were very strict with their two daughters Kris and Leslie, who both attended catholic school. When it was time for dinner, Joan went out in the front yard and blew a whistle, and the girls were expected to head home immediately. Thank goodness for cellphones nowadays! Leslie was my age and Kris was 2 years older. They shared a huge bedroom where we often played board games together.

Smokey is Mom and Frank's long-haired cat. He caused them so much grief by peeing in that plush blue chair. They tried all kinds of sprays and mechanical methods to keep him off the chair. He was an indoor cat and had a litter box in the laundry room, but was stubborn and rebellious, always trying to show them who's boss by peeing in inappropriate places throughout the house. I don't think I will ever be a cat person. I love my 2 Boston terriers Brutus and Zoey.

Last Day Of September

Monday September 30, 1991

Last Day of September. Now summer really feels gone, but the heat has finally hit. It really feels like August at 90-95 degrees.

Frank has left at 6 p.m. to go to a trade show with the guys from work. It's in Anaheim so he'll be gone all day. I do the wash and baby my back with exercises which I do daily, ice packs, and rest. He arrives home about 4 p.m.

When I finish paying the bills we dress and go to the square dancing class we are "Angeling" with Marty and Cathy, Robbie and Dolores. We have a real good time. Everyone knows I won't be back for awhile while I recoup from the hysterectomy. I get lots of hugs.

"Angels" are experienced square dancers who help the new learners.

Anything is possible if a person believes. Mark 9:23

Sunday September 29, 1991

Norman Vincent Peale spoke in place of Dr. Schuller this morning on "Believing". He spoke to my heart as I believe that "Believing" has destroyed my cancer. I truly believed and still do that God answers prayer. the bible says all you have to do is believe and it will be so. Mark 9:23.

We have a couple of very interested folks look at the house and are told it is amazingly clean and in good shape for $190,000. We head home eagerly at 5:15 to have a leisurely dinner and evening. My back hurts so much riding home in the car that I can't wait to end the 25 minute drive and get on an ice pack. How will I do really traveling in our trailer for hours on end. I'm concerned.

Norman Vincent Peale lived from 1898 to 1993 (95 years!). He was the author of the well-known bestseller "The Power of Positive Thinking." He was also a pastor. One of his most famous quotes was "When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade." Televangelist Robert Schuller was mentored by Dr. Peale.

Wow, $190,000 would have been a great sales price. After mom passed away, Frank sold it for $140,000.

I have had lots of experience taking long car trips. I keep a lumbar pillow in my seat and use it as soon as I get in the vehicle. It's also important to stop every few hours to stretch and take a walk. Also, I cannot drive in any vehicle that is low to the ground as that is a killer for my back. My seat must be up high and my knees at a 90 degree angle, never out straight. A SUV or pick-up truck usually works. I learned this lesson the hard way 3 years ago when we took Amtrak from San Francisco to Washington DC, a 3-day journey. After sitting for 3 full days without being to walk around, and then renting a Toyota Camry and driving all over the east coast with my legs out in front of my body, I ended up with a herniated disk in my lower back and after many months of excruciating pain, ended up having back surgery.