I Cry When I Talk About Leaving Frank Alone

Monday February 1, 1993

Went to bed early and slept well so awake feeling pretty good. I was very sleepy all late afternoon and eve yesterday while watching Super Bowl.

I go have my nails done at 10:45 and the bank. Cari Lyn my manicurist is 3 months pregnant. She wants me at her wedding on March 6. I ask her what we'll do when I'm too sick to come get my nails done. We discuss how to remove the acrylic nails. I cry when I talk about leaving Frank alone when I die.

I go to Taco Bell for lunch. I rest in the afternoon after paying bills. Frank makes cutlets for dinner. I feel well enough to go to the square dance class with Frank. It's good to see everyone. I don't dance. We leave after 2 hours. We go for a malt to Hudson's. At home I go to bed at 11.

This is so sad to hear. Her manicurist must have been crying too. Mom is starting to talk about her death now and it becoming more of a reality. She seems more concerned for Frank after her death than for herself. It would be 3 more months before she passed away. When Frank and I cleaned out all of mom's clothes a few months later, he told me mom was his soulmate and no one could ever replace her. It sounds like Mom felt the same. Frank certainly was a gem. I have thanked him over and over for taking such good care of Mom those last few years. This photo was taken of Mom and Frank on Easter Sunday 3 weeks before her death. She still looks good, but tired.

Smaller Than Marbles

Sunday November 29, 1992

Up at 7:30 feeling a little better today. After getting cleaned up and washing my hair Frank and I go to Raley's Market. We buy cutlets to fix for dinner. I buy some stool softeners to begin taking daily. I'm worried I might get constipated and have to have surgery. My bowels are so squeezed by tumors now that I only eliminate stools smaller than marbles. Maybe 1/2 that size.

After lunch I lie down to rest. Frank and Justin go for a 4-mile walk to Raley's. Frank buys Justin a taco at Taco Bell and a yogurt at the yogurt store. Later we play board games with Justin.

Frank makes a great cutlet dinner plus more leftovers. We watch some TV and retire at 11 p.m.

Ah sweet Frank! You were such a wonderful grandpa, first taking Justin on a long walk, thus teaching him the value of exercise, and then taking him for out for a treat. Then he fixes dinner for everyone. Not too many men like Frank! So thoughtful.

I'll bet the game we played with Justin was SEQUENCE. Frank made the game for Justin and we still play it occasionally. It's one of my favorite card games.

It must have been terribly uncomfortable being so constipated. I injured my back 3 days ago and have been taking Vicodin for back pain. It does take the edge off my pain, but it gives me a horrible headache and basically shuts down my intestines, even when I take stool softeners with the medication. I have to balance which is worse, the back pain or the constipation?

Thanksgiving Day

Thursday November 26, 1992 "Thanksgiving Day"

Chris is very busy in the kitchen all morning though she has done most everything the day before. I feel good. Frank carves the turkey for her. We all sit at her dining room table, Gary, Maria, Joe & Junior, Justin, Ric, Chris, Frank and me. I say a blessing. There is so much I want to say but I start to cry so cut it short. I always get emotional when I pray out loud. I am so happy to have this day with all my family. I'm so lucky.

The boys have fun with video games all day. The rest just visit and relax. It's been a lovely day. Chris made a great dinner. Derek is so cute and sweet. I love my family so much.

I don't remember if I cried too when Mom prayed, but I'm crying now remembering that this was our last Thanksgiving together. It was my first and last time hosting Thanksgiving for the whole family at our house. The photo above was taken on our front porch. Frank used a tripod so we could all be in the photo. First row from left: Junior, Joe, Justin; Middle row from left: Gary, Maria (holding baby Derek), Chris; Back row from left: Frank, Mom, Ric.

Feeling Better Today

Friday September 18, 1992

Feeling better today. We take a walk and settle into a quiet day. I do some sewing and some typing, some light housework and some reading. Frank keeps busy in the garage and yard as usual.

About 7:30 we go visit Gary and Maria. We stay late (11 pm). It's a good visit. We watch some TV.

I admire Frank for keeping busy with projects around the house. I talked to my Aunt Cathy a couple of days ago, and she told me that Uncle Gene (Mom's brother) stays active by always having a project going in the yard or the house. It keeps both his mind and body healthy. He just turned 84 years old this month.

Frank's Birthday!

Tuesday September 1, 1992

A pretty uneventful day. Frank received cards and phone calls. I gave him a bunch of socks. He plans to buy a $200 scroll saw later for his birthday.

At 7:30 we go to the Boots & Slippers board meeting at the senior center. About 30 folks attended this "open" meeting. After the meeting I announced it was Frank's birthday and I brought out the cake. We all sang to him and I served cake to all while each one came up to wish him many more. He was really surprised.

What a nice surprise, better than a bunch of socks! As far as having many more birthdays, Frank celebrates his 77th birthday in just 5 days. So far he is going strong.

A Visit With Baby Derek & Chris

Sunday July 19, 1992

The baby cried alot last night. His diaper rash is bad. He's still having trouble getting ahold of her nipple because her breasts are so large.

Frank goes out in the morning to find a coffee shop for some coffee. Ric is up but no coffee is offered. Justin takes some cereal up to his mom. We have a bowl of cereal. Later I make myself a fried egg sandwich. About noon I make lunch for Chris and Frank. Justin and I are not hungry. Ric wants to make burritos from the freezer for himself.

I visit upstairs with Chris during nursing time. I give Derek a bath.

Frank and Ric fix a trout and fresh corn dinner. It's good. Chris comes down for dinner.

Oh my! How I do remember those first few weeks trying to nurse Baby Derek. My normal bra size of 40D swelled not to an E cup, not even an F cup, but a G cup. I didn't know they made bras that size! It was easier just not to wear one at all. Poor baby, having something like a soccer ball shoved into his face. How was he supposed to get ahold of something larger than his head? After a few weeks, my breasts went down a bit and I was able to successfully nurse Derek for 12 months.

I've Become a Better and Better Mother

Tuesday May 19, 1992

I messed up my clock when I set it last night so I got up at 6 a.m. instead of 7 so by the time I get to Kaiser for chemo I'm sleepy at 10:30, sitting around reading in the waiting room. My platelets are 11,500 so it's OK to get my chemo drug. I am finished by 11:30 so I hurry home to have lunch with Frank. Frank is on the roof of the Marvel house when I arrive. He's helping the roofer. He finally comes home for lunch about 1:30.

The roofer finally finishes about 6:30 so we pick up Gary and Maria and the boys about 7 p.m. to go to dinner at the Elephant Bar. We have a great time. Afterward we go back to their house and I open birthday presents from them. I love the sentimental card from Gary. I love thinking Chris and Gary really do love me and think I'm a good mother. I think I've become a better and better mother in recent years.

Mom loved to receive sentimental cards and she was touched by Gary's card. I can't speak for Gary, but only for myself, when I say I loved her very much and miss her terribly. She was my mother and my best friend all in one. She was always very involved in our lives while we were living at home, but also after we were grown and moved out. She had to be careful not to cross the line into meddling, while still being very involved.

Frank's Dad Has Bone Cancer

Thursday January 30, 1992

Up early and hurry to get ready to leave at 10:30 for Frank's folks house. I'm coughing much less but Frank is coughing alot. We are getting better but it is sure taking a long time.

At 12:00 the living trust attorney arrives and Frank helps him explain it to his folks. I read a magazine outside. Good, that's done.

Mom tells me the bone scan shows Dad has bone cancer. That accounts for alot of his pain. They don't plan to tell him. He won't go for more treatment. I agree that's best but he should have some good pain pills.

Dad tells me he wishes he could go back in time and relive his life and don't I? I say I love my life and always have. I wouldn't change a thing.

Mom tells Frank the only time she was ever happy was when the children were small. How sad. She's hoping to be happy again someday. I feel very sorry for both of them, and I feel so fortunate to be so happy. Life is wonderful!

Frank's dad John, pictured above at his granddaughter's wedding a few years before, was well into his 80s. I guess that's why he didn't see any reason to get cancer treatments, but withholding the fact that he had cancer seems wrong to me. Perhaps he already knew even though it was unspoken, and that is the reason they are having their living trust prepared. John outlived Mom, but only by a few months. That is so sad that he had so many regrets about his life, and that Frank's mother Florence was only happy when her children were small. Frank only had one sister and she died young. Perhaps Florence never recovered from the loss. She was the typical Italian mother who loved to cook for her family. Perhaps she always wanted a big family. Mom did her best to include John and Florence in all the family get-togethers, and from what I could see, they always enjoyed themselves.

I Have So Many Old Friends from Childhood

Sunday December 29, 1991

We're up early to get ready for a visit from Jack and Theresa Turpin. We put on a great lunch for them, son Bill and his 3 children. We enjoy it too. They stay til about 5 p.m. We have a good visit. Frank says later he is envious that I have so many old friends from childhood and how we reminisce about the old days. Frank had no friends when he was young. That's sad. I think keeping friends grounds us. I'm happy to have so many friends from years and years ago.

I am so envious of that very thing too, Frank. I have very few friends from my childhood that I keep in touch with. The only one that comes to mind is Debbie Smith, who lived 2 doors down from the house on Lemona. We keep in touch on Facebook, but I haven't seen her for many years. That's one of the things I love about Facebook: locating and catching up with old friends. Mom had dozens of friends from her elementary and high school days, and the friends who came into her life in later years remained her friends for life. The image I have posted with this entry shows an inscription from her senior high school yearbook below the photo of her friend Carol Zeigler. This yearbook is dated 1952 and Carol's inscription states that they have know each other for 11 years. In 1941 Carol and Mom were 7 years old! Amazingly, Frank is now married to Carol!

Ronald Reagan Library

Thursday December 26, 1991

Up early, feeling good except for my aching wrist and thumbs. We have waffles for breakfast. Ric says Chris had a bad night. She woke up crying about what I said to her yesterday. Then she had a bad dream that Chewy, their dog, killed the baby playing with it.

At 10 a.m. we leave to visit the Reagan Library. We all really enjoy it, especially the miniature White House which is decorated for Christmas. We take lots of pictures for Justin to share at school.

We have a late lunch at Bob's Big Boy, then come home to relax. I go marketing and banking. Frank and Justin go bike riding in the Arroyo.

Wow, I don't remember that dream, but I do remember being upset about Mom's remarks. I also remember that when we went to the Reagan Library Justin pushed me around the building in a wheelchair because I was too nauseous to stand. The decorated miniature white house was very charming!

Where's Santa?

Wednesday December 25, 1991

Christmas Day!

We're up at 8 a.m. Sleeping in hoping Frank will feel better. It works. His sore throat and achiness have gone. He feels much better. We have a nice breakfast. Ric stays in bed til noon. He has the sore throat and cold now.

Gary and Maria and boys arrive about 1 p.m. Justin is happy to have the boys to play with. Maria has wrapped and brought Justin 2 gifts. She's so sweet. Chris and Ric and Justin had no gifts to open on Christmas morning. They are giving Justin money later for Christmas. It breaks my heart to see my grandson get nothing for Christmas. What were they thinking? Chris has been sick but Ric could have bought a couple of gifts so he'd have something to open. Frank rushes to wrap a Mickey Mouse watch we had in the closet and tells Justin to check again to be sure there are no more gifts under the tree. He is thrilled with the watch from Santa.

Later I tell Chris how I feel and she gets upset. I don't like the way Ric treats Justin sometimes. I think he is cruel at times.

We have a lovely family day, playing pool, ham dinner. Just after the dinner niece Dawn and hubby Russ stop by to visit. They sit at the dining room table to visit with us for 2 hours. It's a good visit! Gary stays til 10 p.m.

This is very painful to read. After spending the last 2 months in bed with nausea and vomiting, to be criticized for not going out shopping for Christmas gifts was more than I could bear. Just the fact that I was able to make the 400 mile drive while suffering from severe nausea was a huge effort. As for Ric, yes he was and is harsh with Justin sometimes, but that's not the reason he did not buy Justin a gift. He didn't buy anyone a gift. All gift-giving has always fallen on my shoulders. I can count the number of birthday and Christmas gifts he has given me in 22 years on one hand. He is just not into holidays or gift-giving of any kind. I think it must be the way he was raised because his mother thinks birthdays are no big deal either, just another day. Quite the opposite of my mom, who made a big deals every year over Christmas and birthdays. I always bought gifts from Santa for our sons Derek and Ryan when they were little, but once they got to be 10 or 12, they wanted cold hard cash. Since Justin was 10 in 1991, perhaps that's what he wanted too.

I remember my cousin Dawn coming over to visit that night. She often came over to Mom's house to visit me when I drove down for the holidays. She came to visit us in Sonoma County just last year when she was in the area. Of all my cousins, I am the closest to her.

74 Year Old Rebel

Monday December 2, 1991

Well, I'm not going home today. I ate some scrambled egg and toast. Then Dr. Russack came in and decided no food or water for another day or so. Dr. Bix is not here today. I hope she'll be back tomorrow.

Just another day in paradise. Evelyn got her tubes out. We went for a walk. She stopped at the restroom and smoked a cigarette. She's a 74-year-old rebel. She knows it's against the law.

My stomach feels fine all day. I feel good. Kathy calls and may come to visit again. Frank visits from 3 to 5 p.m. I'm sure he's tired of driving over here every day.

Evelyn has trouble with controlling her bladder in the evening and dribbles from her bed to the bathroom. I can't get someone to clean it up for 2 hours. After one hour I clean it up with a towel. I'm angry. They're very busy with new patients coming in tonight.

Mom was not too patient and never did like messes.

The Wicked Witch of the West

Sunday December 1, 1991

Boy, did I sleep good from 12-6:30 am. I had to ask for a Hepburn sleeping pill last night. I couldn't relax. I tried everything, even reading late. I was uncomfortable being in the room with the wicked Witch of the West. I sat in an empty room last night watching TV from 7-10 so as not to bother "the witch".

I had a lovely talk with Dolores in San Diego yesterday. She was so sweet.

The doctor came in at 11:30 and said I should start liquids this afternoon. He thinks I'll be fine. Hold on to your seats, here we go...

Had broth, jello, juice for lunch. It went straight through. Dinner was meat, potatoes, beans & cake followed the rest of the night. By 4:30 am it was all over but the gas.

Frank & Kathy Murphy came to visit in the afternoon and I got moved to Room 4101. Evelyn is a sweet old 74 year old. We talk alot.

I am unable to find any kind of sleeping pill by the name of Hepburn. Perhaps it is a slang term? Too bad Mom had to leave the comfort of her bed to watch TV from 7-10 p.m. It's not like that's the middle of the night!

I wonder if Frank and Kathy had something to do with getting mom moved to another room? Fortunately she got a more pleasant roommate! Looks like her intestines are not ready for food yet.

A Day with Mother

Thursday November 21, 1991

Slept til 6, up and hurried to leave for mother's in Desert Hot Springs by 8 a.m. My bowl of cereal doesn't set well and indigestion and malaise set in. I manage to nap in the truck some and we arrive at Mom's in 2-1/2 hours.

She seems to be pretty much the same. Her complaints are fatigue and joint pains. Not too bad for 83 years old.

I spend most of the day lying on the couch talking with mom while Frank removes the kitchen cupboard so he can push her new stacked washer/dryer back against the wall. He does a bunch of other little fix-its for her.

Mother gives me Riopan Liquid for my gas. I eat very little this day. I feel worse and worse.

Wow, Frank is so thoughtful to drive all the way to his mother-in-law's trailer in Desert Hot Springs to do handyman chores. And in spite of feeling so awful Mom is determined to drive with him. She never did have any trouble sleeping in the car. Often when driving in the car she would be talking and then it would get real quiet. I would look over her shoulder and see she was sound asleep. To visit with her mother and have to hear about her aches and pains could not have been a pleasant day when she was feeling rotten herself.

Frank Is Building a Doll House

Friday November 8, 1991

Last day (#5) of 1 kemo drug.

Better night and I feel better this morning. I do some housework but Frank insists on doing the vacuuming. We're going to San Diego tomorrow and Sunday to visit Dee and Steve. We'll return Monday.

Frank is happy spending lots of time in the garage lately. Mostly working with wood. He's building a doll house for Sara.

Frank humors me and takes me out for tacos for lunch. I spend the afternoon and evening going through mail.

We have leftovers for dinner. At 11 p.m. we are in bed.

OK, so maybe Frank's creation was not quite as elaborate as the dollhouse pictured above, but it's the thought that counts. Sara is his granddaughter, the daughter of his oldest son Philip. I hope she still has that dollhouse. When my son Justin went to visit mom and Frank the next year, Frank helped him build a birdhouse. It wasn't so much about the "thing" that was built, but about the time they spent together making the birdhouse. That is the sort of thing that memories are made of.

I Miss Dancing

Monday October 21, 1991

Up early and off to "Eggs and Things" for breakfast special at 8:30 with Bob and Donna. They leave to visit her sister. I relax all day with my belly exposed trying to dry out the blisters. There is no pain. The incision is healing really well. The infected hole is nearly healed. My energy is good. I am looking forward to walking 1/2 hour each day again and up to one hour soon after. I miss dancing but will miss 2 more Monday nights. I will go to watch though, starting tonight.

I keep my appointment with nurse practitioner in Simi Valley. She says I'm doing good. She makes a big fuss over how well Frank has done taking care of my infection.

I go to square dancing with Frank. He dances. I watch and really enjoy just being with all my friends.

Only two weeks after major surgery and mom is out and about! Pretty amazing. Mental attitude has been shown to have a very close relationship with physical healing, and mom's attitude was very positive. Kind of bizarre that the only physical problem she is having after 2 weeks is an allergic reaction to the tape on her belly. I'm glad Frank was praised for doing something that he found very difficult, and that he got to go square dancing and have some fun. How nice that they shared the same passion for dance.

Frank Is Feeling Put Upon

Friday October 18, 1991

Donna and Bob will be here tomorrow morning sometime at my insistence that I'm OK for company. Actually we probably won't see much of them as they plan to spend time with Bob's boys. Marc has a new baby and Greg needs some interference--his life is a mess and so is his wife and children.

The tape on my belly seems to be bothering me all the way up and down: itching. The doctor suggests Benedryl. Luckily, I have some.

There is some straightening, etc to do today and Frank is feeling "put upon". I'm sorry. I'm trying not to ask for much from him.

It's a beautiful 85 degree day. Donna and Bob should enjoy this.

Tomorrow I hope to go to Gary's birthday party for a few hours, at Gary's house.

Tonight we're going out for Mexican dinner.

This is hard for me to say because I loved Mom so much and she loved me unconditionally, but mom could be quite bossy. I spent two weeks with her and Frank in Europe in 1986 and I was disturbed at how much she ordered him around. Frank was very patient and usually took her bossiness quite well, but it looks like this day, he finally stood up to her demands. I know it had to be bad because Frank would do anything for her in spite of her domineering attitude. I can relate to mom wanting to have the house nice and neat for company, as she has passed this on to me, and I understand that she must have been frustrated to not be able to clean the house herself after having surgery. Mom always did like things nice and orderly, and fortunately she married an energetic man who liked things orderly too. Unfortunately, I married a man who likes things completely chaotic, and have two sloppy teenage boys as well, so to retain my sanity I have completely given over the upstairs level of our house to their chaotic messes. My "territory" is the downstairs that I struggle to keep some kind of order.

A Manicure for Frank

Thursday/Friday September 12-13, 2011

Feeling fine, doing the usual, at Lemona. Almost done. Frank is really burning out. Tried to get home in time for a movie Friday but missed our chance by 20 minutes.

I am doing my best to make life easy for fun for Frank whenever I can. I won't allow him to do anything at home that I could do. He has a hard time with that. He's used to helping clean the dinner table and load the dishwasher, etc. It's very hard for him to sit and read the paper or watch TV while I am working. It's the very least I can do.

I arranged for him to get a manicure today for the wedding Sunday. He really liked that.

Wow, I wish I was married to a man like that! Mine has no problem reading the paper and watching TV while I work around him.

Interesting, this is the first entry so far that mom has made for 2 days. Until now she made a separate entry every day.

Frank is Burning Out

Wednesday, September 11, 1991

Usual day--some backache. Seems my hair is getting worse every day. The crown and back of my head feels like almost all the hair is gone or 1/4" long. Nothing there to grab with the curling iron.

At Lemona we eat McLean burgers. Frank is laying the kitchen floor. Johnny comes and we make a decision about the carpet. They will lay it tomorrow.

Frank is tired and burning out. Thank God he's almost finished working on Lemona. We leave about 4 p.m.. Frank comes home to mow and trim our yard.

Jeanna and Spencer come to stay a couple of hours while Dana and Val go to open house at their school.

Not sure who Jeanna and Spencer are, I must assume they are neighbor kids.

Poor Frank, he has been working everyday at the Lemona house for several weeks. If you are reading this Frank, I want you to know how much I appreciate all you did for mom, and for Gary and me, who were the ones who inherited the Lemona house. You are a hard worker, and were so good to mom. Thank you, thank you, thank you. May God bless you.

It must have been hard on Mom to see her hair falling out and breaking off. She was always quite vain about her appearance and every morning curled her hair with a curling iron before spraying it with hairspray. I did not know until now that she had an issue with hair loss. Whatever hair was lost, she covered up nicely. I remember her last days in the hospital brushing her hair, as she loved to do for me my whole life. It was so hard to keep from crying. I never told her her hair was coming out in clumps as I brushed it.

Paul is a Big Help

Friday September 6, 1991

Up early, feeling good--no more backache. I'm off early to shop for curtains, etc. for Lemona. I pick up Arby's chicken sandwiches for our lunch.

Frank is laying bathroom floors. Paul arrives around 4 p.m. and they go to Gledhill to repair broken pipes. Paul is so sweet to come help his dad. He's in no hurry to get home. He wants to talk about investments. He wants to retire at 40. Good luck! He needs to be patient but have a plan. He wants to buy rental properties.

It's 9:00 when we finally get home. We have a late dinner. Then I return Cousin Shirley's call. She has a new job selling AT&T service. I hope she likes it and does well. It's time for her life to take a turn for the better. She's never been more ready or deserving.

Frank's son Paul, pictured above dancing with Justin at Paul's wedding to Judy, has worked for the Los Angeles Water Department for years, so was probably familiar with repairing leaking pipes. How funny that he was planning to retire at 40! He is well past 40 today and still working for the water department, commuting one hour each direction from Palmdale to Los Angeles. Managing rental properties can be a full-time job, and a very stressful one. Not for everyone.

As for Cousin Shirley, she had a rough life. She was an alcoholic and often called Mom late at night in a drunken stupor. Mom was one of the few who had the patience to listen to her and offer encouragement. Shirley was devastated when Mom passed away and drank herself to death a few years after Mom's death.