The Long Flight Home

Saturday June 1, 1991

Up at 6 a.m., breakfast and pack to leave.

After check-in at airport we drive to Iao Needle and stop for lunch.

Returning to the airport we find Chris and Justin. Justin carries my luggage the last of the long walk to Gate 1. I give him the book I bought him. Pappa Frank had bought him a Maui cap earlier.

We all agree we've had a great week in Maui in our separate ways. After they all leave at 1:30 we read until our 3:00 flight.

On the plane, our stewardess gives us free headphones to watch Green Card. Later she shares that she is a recovering alcoholic and thought we might be because we seemed so relaxed and at peace. I shared my cancer with her and she wanted to hug me and said she would pray for me and she knew I would recover.

On the bus to Van Nuys I met an interesting man returning from 2 months in Puerto Rico. We finally get to bed at 1:30 a.m.

Leave it to mom to make friends with not only the stewardess but the man on the bus from the airport. She was such a people person, always interested in the conversation at the next table in the restaurant, or in making a connection with someone new. I am amazed that the stewardess sensed that she was relaxed. I imagine most people are pretty relaxed after spending a week in Hawaii, but she sensed something special about mom. I have talked to other people who are battling a life-threatening disease and have been told that their battle gives that an acute appreciation for every relationship and every experience they have, knowing that it might be their last.

Farewell Dinner

Friday May 31, 1991

Slept in--no alarm--til 6:30. Donna and Bob went for a walk. I did 15 laps in the pool. Dressed and went to breakfast. Changed to swimsuits and headed for Napili Beach in Kapalua where Chris is staying.

Settled on the beach 45 minutes when it began to pour rain. Everyone left but we stayed in the car and the rain was past in 15 minutes. We had the beach to ourselves for 45 minutes of Bob and I snorkeling and it began to rain again. We dressed and drove to Chris' place but they weren't there.

Returned to our condo to change for dinner at Moose Magillicutties in Lahaina. As we were leaving Chris and Ric arrived. So Justin rode with us and we all went to dinner in Lahaina.

We had a great $7.95 Early Bird dinner of Mahi Mahi Almadine. Justin sat with us.

We headed home to pack. Must go home tomorrow 3 p.m. flight. Still feeling great except for tired muscles.

Remember the days before cell phones? I feel bad reading mom's entry about how she tried to connect with us and even came by our condo. Today I get frustrated when I try to call one of my boys and have no cell phone reception or get voice mail. It is so much easier to connect nowadays. I definitely would have wanted to go snorkeling with Mom and Bob if we had connected. We spent the day before snorkeling at Molokini, a submerged volcanic crater off the coast of Maui, pictured above.

Exercise and A Massage

Thursday May 30, 1991

Arose today at 6:30 again. Ate my usual oatmeal and apple juice. We began our power walk with Jeanna just 6 of us. We walked along the beach. It was low tide and icky seaweed all over the beach. It was stinky. After awhile we cut up to the neighborhood streets; at 8:30 we did our aqua aerobics in the pool--Donna and I. Bob and Frank watched.

After awhile of sitting around the pool (me in the shade), we dressed and left for Paia, stopping for lunch in a shopping center Kahalua. Paia wasn't much. We drove to the plantation to check out pineapples--$3 each seemed too high.

At 4 p.m. I had a 1 hour massage. It was great! We spoke of healing. She used Reiki on me (laying on of hands). After I was dressed we hugged. She said she felt I was going to be well, but I should quit cokes and have massages regularly. It was a spiritual experience.

We dressed and went out for a great New York steak dinner, then to square dance. Danced one tip only, then they served dinner. It was their graduation. We went shopping again.

The walk on the stinky beach doesn't sound so great, but the aqua aerobics sounds like fun. I take it 3 times every week at my gym. The massage sounds heavenly. I looked up Reiki massage on Wikipedia and it says that "Mikao Usu originated Reiki in 1922 in Japan after a twenty-one day retreat on Mount Kurama, involving meditation, fasting, and prayer. Usui said that by mystical revelation he had gained the knowledge and spiritual power to apply and attune others to what is called Reiki.
He developed the Reiki Principles. Many Reiki teachers and practitioners aim to abide by these five principles, one translation of which is:
Just for today:
Do not be angry
Do not worry
Be grateful
Work with integrity
Be kind to others and to yourself.
Every morning and every night, sit in the Gassho position [hands held palm-to-palm] and speak these words out loud in your heart."

Those sound like great principles to live by. In fact, all of those principles are found in the Bible:

ANGER: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. James 1:19

WORRY: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

GRATITUDE: No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

WORK WITH INTEGRITY: Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Colossians 3:23-24

BE KIND TO OTHERS AND YOURSELF: The entire law is summed up in a single command: Love your neighbor as yourself. Galatians 5:14

Biking in Maui

Wednesday May 29, 1991

Up at 6:30 for our bike ride. Rode through neighborhoods and really got a chance to appreciate the lovely yards. When we returned we all jumped into the pool and cooled down. We layed in the sun awhile. I applied #15 sunscreen and wore my hat. I moved to the shade after 20 minutes tho--too hot.

We lunched at Jack-In-The-Box and ate small sundaes at Baskin Robbins. More shopping then out to dinner at Kahei Prime Rib and Seafood. We all had prime rib and great salad bar. Great dinner. I had 1 chi chi drink.

After dinner we walked on the beach and returned to watch TV. I talked to Justin at 9:30. Hope to reach Chris at 7 a.m. before they leave to rent a boat to go to Molokini to snorkel. Can't seem to connect with her.

I remember that night. After cooking dinner in our condo with the broken air conditioner every night, I thought it was time Ric and I had a romantic dinner just the two of us at a nice restaurant, without the mother-in-law and 10-year-old son. Boy was that a mistake! Ric does not have a romantic bone in his body, and all he saw was dollar signs. He complained the whole night about how expensive the meal was, and I left there totally frustrated that our evening was a disaster.

The Road to Hana

Tuesday May 28, 1991

Got up at 5:30 a.m. to catch our van tour to Hana. 10 of us in van plus Mel, our driver. We had a continental breakfast then off to Hana the back way across the volcanic rock on very rough roads, but the scenery was great. Nearer Hana the terrain turned lush and green with waterfalls and many stops. In Hana we had a great buffet lunch and off again to beautiful beaches, some black sand. We hiked alot and took lots of pictures. We stopped to watch some excellent wind surfing, probably 20 boards.

Back at the condo we decided on the pool and hot tub for 2 hours, then ordered in a pizza and hit the sack at 11 p.m. Tomorrow we'll get up at 6:30 to 7:30 bike ride for 1 hour.

I'm seeing a definite difference in the way my family vacations and the way Mom and Frank vacation. I'm not sure this is typical for them, but it looks like they are eating out every night, and even this night that they stayed at home, they still did not cook in the kitchen of their condo, but ordered a pizza. Also, they paid for an organized tour, where our family takes the more economical route of a rental car and self-guided tour. We took that same trip around the south end of the island in our rental car, past the signs that said "No Rental Cars Beyond This Point". Don't know what would have happened if we broke down, but I'm sure the tow truck would have been paid by us, not the rental company. It is indeed a very rough road over everchanging lava flows, which is why it cannot be maintained or paved. The very windy paved road to Hana goes down the eastern side of the island past beautiful black sand beaches and waterfalls. Other than the night that we met mom and her gang for dinner, we barbecued and cooked dinner in our condo, as we still do when we are vacationing. On the days that we are travelling, our style is closer to Taco Bell fast food, than gourmet restaurant.

Breakfast in Lahaina

Monday May 27, 1991

Slept very well with no pills. Awake at 6:00. We're meeting Chris and gang in Lahaina for breakfast at Moose Magillicutties. After breakfast we all walk and shop Lahaina. We say goodbye to Chris and head for Kaanapali to visit Whale Museum and splendid Westin Maui with lush gardens.

Lovely drive back to Kilue to attend pupu party around the pool. Mai Tais for everyone. I drink punch. No alcohol except one chi chi on my birthday.

Thanks to pupus no dinner necessary. Watch TV and go out for yogurt.

We met mom and gang in Lahaina for breakfast. Lahaina is Maui's historic whaling village located on the west side of Maui between Kapalua to the north where Ric and I are staying and Kihei to the south where mom and her gang are staying. It is a tourist town of restaurants, galleries and souvenir shops. The above photo was taken by a commercial photographer with his macaws. From the left are Chris, Dolores behind her grandson Justin, Frank, Bob and Donna. I love this picture. I'm so glad mom had that week in Maui to forget about her cancer for awhile and especially to be with those who loved her.

My Birthday!!

Sunday May 26, 1991

A birthday in Hawaii! Donna and Bob hung a birthday banner and balloons over the counter in our Maui condo. They gave me a lovely bell and a very sentimental card. Frank gave me the same gift he will give me again tonight. Ha ha! We awake at 6 a.m. after 9 hours sleep.

After exploring the grounds out to the ocean, past the pool, shuffleboard and tennis courts, we attended orientation to hear about all the things there are to do. Doning our bathing suits we drove down the coast looking at several beaches, all the way down to the National Volcanic Reserve--lava everywhere.

After an hour on a lovely beach closer to our condo we returned to dress for dinner. We meet Chris and all at Buzz's Restaurant for a lovely birthday dinner of giant prawns and chicken. Then we had yogurt and brought all back to our condo. Chris gave me a lovely nightie and matching kimono and a plant (lily) from Cathy Thomas. Feeling great except left eye blurring problem lasting 30 minutes at 8 p.m.

Buzz's Wharf Restaurant recently celebrated 40 years of operation, and is one of Maui's oldest restaurants. It is a landmark in Ma'alaea Bay Harbor near Kihei. This is where we celebrated mom's 57th birthday. She was so happy to see us, especially her beloved grandson Justin, who was 10 years old.

Maui Schooner

Saturday May 25, 1991

Have now gained 6 pounds. No good! Hawaii will not be a good place to diet, but may get much needed exercise to compensate. Slept well last night with help of Unisom finally. Up at 6 a.m., off at 8 a.m. to Van Nuys, bussed to L.A.X. Had a long 5-1/2 hour flight with a nice chicken lunch. Donna and Bob are waiting for us when we arrive. They have our car ready. Chris and Ric, Justin, and Ric's mom Carmen have left already for their condo in Kapalua.

Afterwards we are settled in our condo in Kihei, the Maui Schooner. It is really nice and new with 2 bedrooms and baths and all the amenities--washer, dryer, microwave, etc. We buy a few groceries and head for dinner at Carlos and Rick's. Huge dinner! Beautiful sunset. Feeling fat today, but feeling good. No aches or pains at all.

Hit the sack early 9:30 Hawaii time but 12:30 L.A. time.

Mom's best friend Donna and her husband Bob often travelled together with mom and Frank on vacations. They each owned a timeshare. Donna and Bob traded their timeshare in Sparks, NV for the condo in Kihei, the Maui Schooner pictured above. For friends whose vacations of past years mostly consisted of camping in a tent, this was a luxurious vacation and they were going to live it up.

Ric and I found a nice 1-bedroom condo to rent in Kapalua, which was 30 miles north of Kihei, about a one-hour drive. This was a big trip for Ric as it was one of the few times in his life that he has ever flown on an airplane, as he suffers from a severe fear of flying. 19 years later he has still not flown on an airplane since that trip in 1991.

Flying is generally considered to be one of the safest forms of public transportation currently available in the United States. Statistics compiled by the Department of Transportation have led to the conclusion that airline travel is 29 times safer than driving an automobile. For Ric the statistics are not important; what is important is not being in control.

Hawaii Tomorrow

Friday May 24, 1991

Still sleeping well. Diet not going well. No willpower. Much packing to do and odds and ends around the house. Frank is home by 10:30. He wants to eat out breakfast. We have a lovely brunch at Eggs and Things. More shopping.

Finally finish packing and all at 10 p.m. Have called Donna and Bob at San Francisco Travel Lodge. She's thrilled of news about CA125. Fall asleep watching TV at 10:10. Head for bed at 11 p.m., but can't sleep. Up and down, in and out for an hour. Finally take Tylenol and Unisom and off to dreamland--Hawaii tomorrow! Can't wait!

CA125

Thursday May 23, 1991

Lost one pound, though I don't deserve it. I've picked up some bad habits I must break.

Frank took me to see Dr. Bienstock and Dr. Bix this morning. Dr. Bienstock examined me. Said he could feel one tumor.

Dr. Bix had good news from my blood test. CA125 which measures cancer cells was 260 when I entered hospital April 9. Today it was 24 (normal is 22). That's great! White cell (immune) count was good; nothing to worry about. I must stay out of the sun, wear sunblock and a hat! So goest Hawaiian tan I planned.

Neither doctor is pleased that I threw up after chemo. I should have started anti-nausea drug earlier and continue 2 days. Or try new drug.

Had nice lunch out. Shopped our way home. Tired but happy. Called everyone to share the good news about CA125.

CA 125 is a protein, and a tumor marker or biomarker. CA 125 is present in greater concentration in ovarian cancer cells than in other cells. CA stands for cancer antigen. Increases in CA 125 can also occur with malignant tumors of the Fallopian tubes, lining of the uterus, lung, breast, and gastrointestinal track. Benign conditions such as infections of the abdomen, chest, menstruation, pregnancy, endometriosis, benign tumors of the ovaries, and liver disease can also raise CA 125.

Although CA 125 is a useful test in monitoring women who are being treated for ovarian cancer, a single CA 125 test is not considered to be a useful screening test for cancer. Some women with ovarian cancer (up to 20%) never have elevated CA 125 levels, while most women who do have elevated CA 125 levels do not have cancer. In fact, because CA 125 can be elevated in so many non-cancerous conditions, only about 3% of women with elevated CA 125 levels have ovarian cancer. I recently attended a seminar at Kaiser Permanente regarding genetic testing for breast and ovarian cancer and was disappointed to learn that there is still no screening test available for ovarian cancer almost 20 years later. Once a woman has ovarian cancer there are no symptoms until the cancer is very advanced and probably life-threatening. That is why this type of cancer is so deadly.

No More Hot Fudge

Wednesday May 22, 1991

OK, no more hot fudge! I've gained 5 pounds back. Must lose it quick! Eating desserts everyday must stop, plus some chips and greasy foods. Can't believe I've slipped so far from our healthy eating habits. I still eat instant oatmeal for breakfast plus juice. Still eat a banana a day and lots of veggies.

Got my nails done and went to May Co. Tried McLean burger. Quite good. Mrs. Paul's cinnamon roll was not so good on my diet. Dinner was mostly vegetables and small piece of steak leftover. But then we finished off the strawberries.

Feeling fine and sassy.

Ha! I wrote that last post before I knew Mom was about to gain 5 pounds. I have the same problem with starting out my day on the right track, but by the time the evening comes my resolve wears thin and I start to eat desserts while watching TV in the evening.

Gary's Boys

Tuesday May 21, 1991

Walked to the bank today. Treated myself to a hot dog. Felt great the whole time. Didn't feel a bit tired. My energy level is at a peak again. My backache is better and the stiffness in my shoulders and neck is almost gone.

When Frank arrives home we relax together reading the paper and mail.

Gary is taking us to dinner at the Odyssey Restaurant to celebrate my birthday so we arrive at his house at 6:30. The four of us have a lovely dinner. We all pig out on the great salad bar.

Back at Gary's we all watch some TV and soon the boys are home from practice. Great boys!

We come home and have chocolate yogurt with hot fudge.

First of all, I have to laugh. Right after mom says she has to stop eating so much because she has gained a whole 2 pounds, she goes out for a chocolate malt and then yogurt with hot fudge. Her daughter has this same problem with resolutions!

In 1989 Mom and Frank, my brother Gary and his wife Maria with Maria's two boys Gabe and Joe, along with my husband Ric and I and my son Justin went camping at a cabin at Lake Almanor. Her best friend Donna and Donna's husband Bob joined us and we had a great time together. We celebrated Donna's birthday and Frank's birthday the same night on our vacation. Gary always treated Maria's two boys as his own and raised them from the time they were toddlers. Many years later he and Maria had twin boys together, but by then Joe and Gabe were well into their teenage years. Mom doted on Gabe and Joe just as she did my son Justin. Pictured above is Mom with her arms around my son Justin, who is 8 years old in the photo, Gabe is behind his brother Joe. Gabe is 11 and Joe is 9 in this photo. Lake Almanor is in the background.

Square Dancing Club

Monday May 20, 1991

Ready to walk again but too busy with lots of wash to do. Big mistake, I brush Daisy in the house and fur flies averywhere. Big vacuum job.

My appetite seems to be getting back to normal, just in time. I've gained back 2 pounds. No more!

Sally arrives for an impromptu visit and helps me put the spread on my bed. We have a 2 hour visit during which Frank arrives home.

My chest doesn't hurt today so maybe that was from vomiting but my back and legs have started to hurt again like before my stay in the hospital. A few stomach pains but no problem.

After a taco dinner we dress for square dancing. Last class. We do well at class. Then go to Hudson's Grill with 16 for chocolate malt.

Mom was blessed to be able to retire from a stressful job when she was 52. Even though she had a busy social life, after her retirement, she wanted to expand their circle of friends, so she and Frank took up square dancing. They took classes, they joined a club and danced several times a week. They went camping with their square dancing club several times every year. After mom died, the ladies from her square dancing club came into her home during the funeral and set up food for the reception after the graveside service. I really appreciated their helpfulness.

Tower of Power

Sunday May 19, 1991

Up early and Frank makes us omelettes...yum, yum. Making love is no problem; no pain, everything is normal and has been all along.

We pack some snacks and cokes and off to Oxnard Strawberry Festival. Lots of traffic and thousands of people. We buy lunch and set up our sand chairs to watch the concert--Tower of Power. Can't believe it, we've found Gary, Maria and all their friends. It's a great concert! They head home and we check out the crafts.

We enjoy a "make your own" strawberry shortcake and settle down to watch the second concert, a Cajun band. Lots of people are dancing. Great entertainment.

No pains this afternoon. Home by 6:30, pooped. Relax tonight after dinner.

Finally, some music mom and I can agree on. Most of the concerts mom and Frank attended were country western, of which I am not a fan. But Tower of Power is a band that is very entertaining and full of energy. I have seen them twice and my brother Gary and his wife Maria have seen them several times. I'm glad mom is still able to make love with Frank without any pain.

Grandma Helen's 65th Class Reunion

Saturday May 18, 1991

I awake before the 7 a.m. alarm. Up and at um. Leave for Pasadena at 8:30 to pick up Mom and Cathy for our drive to Santa Ana for Mother's 65th Class Reunion. We really enjoy seeing such lively 83-year-olds. Eleven class members are there and 8 guests. I am eating every hour this morning and really enjoy the turkey dinner.

I arrive back home at 5 p.m. and am really bushed. I have had alot of pains in my ovaries the last 2 hours. After a short rest and leftovers for dinner, we dress and head out for "The Club" square dance. What a good time we have! We danced only with "Angels". Only 5 class members were there. We have cake at break. I was hungry again!

Cancer is no respecter of family longevity. Mom's maternal grandmother Amanda Johnson lived to the ripe old age of 101 and her mother Helen who is 83 in 1991 lived for another 6 years, finally passing of old age when she was 89 years old. The photo above was taken when Grandma Helen was in her 20s.

I always imagined I would have my mother with me well into her 90s if she inherited the longevity gene. How does cancer strike a healthy woman in her 50s? I was robbed of the time I should have been enjoying my mom into her old age. Her grandchildren Derek and Ryan should have had time to get to know her, just as my oldest son Justin did. Derek was only 10 months old when she died. Ryan was not born until 2 years later.

Ice Cream Always Makes Me Feel Better

Friday May 17, 1991

Another good night's sleep. I'm sure now that taking my vitamins after dinner ruined my sleep.

Mother is up early too, packing to leave, but she stays until after lunch. After she leaves for Gene and Cathy's, I rush to clean the bathrooms, wash all her linens, make the beds and vacuum the whole house. Moping the floors is too much and I feel quite ill all over. I lay down for an hour or so. I'm hungry every couple of hours this week since Tuesday. I devour a large bowl of popcorn.

I feel better when Frank gets home so we go to Ross, Mervyns and Target. Then we eat at Imperial Gardens and go to see "Oscar" at the movies (one of ours).

I'm having some shooting pains in various parts of my stomach. We treat ourselves to Baskin Robbins ice cream cone.

I don't think mom understands the concept of taking it easy. Even though she is obviously exhausted and in pain, she is determined to clean the whole house and then goes shopping and out to dinner. For her perhaps shopping is therapeutic. Maybe having ice cream is comforting too.

Grandma Alda Lucky

Thursday May 16, 1991

What a beautiful day! I feed the birds. I feel terrific and have my usual small bowl of oatmeal and glass of OJ. I don't fool around too much. Must get ready to leave at 11 a.m.

Mother and I leave for Granada Hills. I'm to see the nurse practitioner about my blurred vision problem. There was a circle of lights around the blurred vision, I remember. The nurse examines me and she speaks to the doctor. She finds nothing but will refer me to opthamology. She is a large unfriendly woman. I don't like her.

After lunch (we share a salad) we visit with Mom Lucky. She is so happy to have visitors. She says she gets very lonely. She is very upset when I tell her about my cancer but I reassure her and she calms down. We talk about all her family. She likes that.

After dinner Frank and I attend a dance class meeting planning our graduation. Frank has brought me a card signed by all he works with and a book "Love, Medicine & Miracles" from a lady at work.

Mom is so generous with her time. Even though she has been divorced from my dad for almost 20 years in 1991, she still makes a point of going to see Grandma Alda, my dad's mother, pictured above with her 3 sons at her 75th birthday party in 1985 (from the left are my uncle George born in 1934, my Dad Robert born in 1932 and my uncle Clyde born in 1930). Grandma Alda never did drive (in her generation that was quite common) so my mom made a point of inviting her to the drive-in movies every time we went, or taking her shopping, and of taking us to visit her whenever we came down to visit from Santa Rosa. Grandma Alda lived well into her 90s, outliving her husband Lloyd by 25 years, but she suffered from dementia for the last 10 years or so and had to live in an assisted-living facility. She recognized no one from her family.

No Problem

Wednesday May 15, 1991

Woke up at usual 7:30 with no nausea. Had a little oatmeal and orange juice. Some nausea now. I spend all morning in bed. Lunch is scrambled eggs for Mom and me, then back to bed for a nap.

At 3 p.m. I feel great! I'm up and showered and ready to pick up where I left off Monday. Dinner is light. We retire at 10:45.

If this is what each chemo will be, I can take it. No problem.

Wow, mom, so throwing up every half hour for 7 hours is "no problem". What a courageous spirit you have! Always seeing the glass as half-full, that's my mom.

Chemo #2

Tuesday May 14, 1991

Arrived at Kaiser Hospital at 10 a.m. with Frank after a good night's sleep. First they take 6 viles of blood. Then a talk with the doctor--nothing new. The chemo drugs were mixed and ready after they analyzed my kidney function from a blood sample at 11:30. First the tranquilizer that makes me drowsy. Then anti-nausea drug and chemo drugs. At 1 p.m. I am able to walk out--no wheelchair. I am hungry enough to eat tuna/noodle dish in cafeteria.

Drowsy at home. I eat taco for dinner. In bed at 7:30 I throw up every 1/2 hour from 8 to 3 a.m. Nothing helps. Awful night!

It sounds like the anti-nausea drug mom was given was not enough to last through the night. Wasn't there some medication they could have sent home with her? She must have been exhausted from throwing up every half hour, long after there was nothing left in her stomach.

Tomorrow is Chemo #2

Monday May 13, 1991

Mother is here to stay for a few days. She sleeps until 10 a.m. so I do the wash. I slept very well and woke at 7:30.

Feeling good I walk to the bank. It feels great. I have a little bit of pain in my female organs.

After I drop off mail at post office, I do my marketing. I rush to fix dinner and get to square dancing. I'm too nervous to eat from rushing.

Square dancing is great fun. We go to Hudson's Grill with the gang and I order skins. They taste real good.

Tomorrow is Chemo #2. I am full of anticipation.

It seems very ironic that mom is nervous from rushing around but facing chemo in the morning doesn't seem to make her nervous. Being full of anticipation sounds more like excitement than nervousness. I have no doubt if I was facing chemotherapy it would be with dread not anticipation and I would not sleep a wink. I admire mom so much for facing this struggle as a challenge, not as something to be dreaded. I hope some day I will be as strong and positive as she was.

Mothers Day with Helen

Sunday May 12, 1991

What a glorious Mother's Day! It's sunny and 70 degrees. Frank has given me a beautiful card and a bottle of Obsession perfume. I have received very meaningful cards from all the family including Justin.

Mother arrives from Gene & Cathy's brunch at 1:00. We leave for Frank's folks where Gary and Maria will meet us. Gary gives me the "Best" card ever. It really has wonderful sentiment. It tells me he appreciates the kind of mom I've tried to be. He also gives me a sundress for Hawaii.

We all go to dinner at Charlie Brown's for prime rib and shrimp.

Back at the folk's house Betty and Al come over. We have a lovely visit. I'm tired. Mother is doing great considering she left the desert this morning at 7 a.m.

Grandma Helen lived in Desert Hot Springs in a senior community. She lived alone after the death of her husband Al some years earlier. In 1991 she was 83 years old. Her son (mom's brother Gene) lives in Pasadena where Helen went for brunch. Grandma Helen insisted on living on her own until health problems at the end of her life forced her to live in an assisted living home in Pasadena where Uncle Gene and Aunt Cathy could more easily visit her. She outlived her daughter and died at the old age of 89. The photo above was taken at Christmas 1988 at mom and Frank's home in Simi Valley. From the left are mom (Dolores Reina), myself, my brother Gary Lucky, and Grandma Helen Richardson.

Dolores & Steve

Saturday May 11, 1991

Busy morning, Frank and I giving each other permanents. Of course, I put all the curlers in. Frank puts the chemicals on.

We enjoy french toast together. I am sleeping much better now. Frank works in the yard and I putter about.

Dolores arrives about 5:30 and we take her to dinner at our favorite Japanese restaurant. She brought me a lovely lily plant. She stays until 8 p.m. when she leaves to spend tomorrow with her mom--Mother's Day.

Dee and Steve have found a house they'd like to buy in San Diego and plan to make an offer. Steve is at his mom's house.

We go for a yogurt and watch TV. In bed for whoopee by 10:30.

Dolores is Frank's daughter, currently still living with her husband Steve in San Diego. She and Steve met when she went to college at San Diego State. She is a teacher and Steve is an architect. They have 2 teenage children. Strange coincidence that Frank's daughter and mom share the same not-common name. The above photo was taken at Dolores and Steve's wedding in 1986. From the left are Frank's son Paul, mom and Frank, Frank's daughter Dolores and her husband Steve, Frank's daughter-in-law Debbie and Frank's son Philip with their son Joey, Frank's mother Florence and his father John. John died shortly after mom's death in 1993.

Cathy Thomas

Friday May 10, 1991

Slept much better last night. Was awake for no more than 20 minutes, about 3 a.m. Feeling great today! Walked down to the bank, had a taco lunch and walked home. I was gone 1-1/2 hours and felt great when I got home. A couple of months ago I was feeling so punk I could no longer walk that far. Walking that far made me feel physically ill and I would have to lie down. I haven't felt this good in a year.

Puttered in the yard and did some ironing. By 6 p.m. I was ready to flake out so we watched TV and fell asleep but did wake up in time to see "Big Business", a movie we have a financial interest in.

Cathy Thomas called this morning. We have such good talks. She is a wonderful sister-in-law.

Wow, I'm not sure how one chemotherapy treatment has suddenly given mom relief from so many ailments and sudden energy.

She is right about Uncle Gene's wife Cathy. After mom passed away, Aunt Cathy made a point of becoming a surrogate mom to me. Mom and I used to talk for at least an hour every week. Aunt Cathy started checking in one me monthly. We both missed mom.

Overwhelming Love

Thursday May 9, 1991

Sally came by for a visit for 2 hours today. She was very surprised at how well I looked. We talked alot about religion and feelings and faith. And we talked about her worries and concerns, especially in regard to her children. It was good.

I am eating quite well and holding my weight at 153. On January 1 this year I weighed 178. I had been weighing in the mid 170s for some years and it feels wonderful to be this weight. Actually, I'd really love to weigh 137 again, which is what I weighed 9 years ago when Frank and I married.

Tonight we went to Arlan Miller's square dancing class. It was alot of fun.

Frank and I have always cared very deeply for each other, but these days the feeling is almost overwhelming. We say "I love you" alot more and really show it.

Sally is Frank's ex-wife, mother of his 3 children Phil, Paul and Dolores. Notice how even though mom is the one who is facing death, she is still a friend to Sally and a sounding board for her to express her concerns for her children.

Mom battled her weight all her life, right to the end, and she passed that issue on to her daughter.

I knew mom really loved Frank and he worshipped her, but I did not know their love was so deep that it felt overwhelming. Frank confided to me after mom had passed away that she was his soulmate and he would never find another like her.

Even the Mailman is Praying

Wednesday May 8, 1991

I have my acrylic nails done today. I've had my fake fingernails for 9 years. I wonder if that is healthy. Do my fingernails need to breath? I am thinking about having the dentist remove all the silver fillings and put in porcelain. I've heard lately, that the silver is toxic to our systems. I want to do whatever I can to help my body be atrong to fight the cancer.

The dentist bonds a tooth today where the enamel is worn away at the gumline. I have about 10 of those now.

At Frank's doctor appointment, he says the pain in Frank's left chest is muscle pull. Thank God! I need him strong and well.

We drive out to Palmdale with a load of firewood for Paul and Phil. Judy and Paul have made us a lovely and delicious salmon dinner. Baby Tayler sleeps while we eat, but she's crying alot at night we hear.

The mailman gave me a hug today and wished me a Happy Mother's Day. He knows and is praying for me.

As I mentioned before, mom made friends with everyone, even the mailman. She is getting hugs and prayers from all of them.

A Cure For What Ails You?

Tuesday May 7, 1991

Sleeping til 8 a.m. lately, making up for lost sleep fropm 2-4 a.m. each night, I guess. Feeling more energetic and less arthritic than usual. Not allowed to take Motrin for my arthritic knees, thumbs, shoulders, neck and back, but that all seems to bother me less than a few months ago, another reason I'm feeling so well. Haven't noticed any hair loss. My bladder hasn't performed so well in months. A trip to the bathroom every 2-3 hours seems quite normal. Bowels are working perfect also. Even my allergies and cough have subsided.

Tonight we have Robbie and Dolores and Shirley and Jim over to meet. They are going to Alaska in their RVs and share information. Maybe they will see each other there. They seem to like each other. We pig out on angel food cake, strawberries and whip cream. All diet, of course.

OK, I have never heard of chemotherapy being a cure for arthritis, allergies and a cough! Mom had frequent pain in her shoulders and had cortisone injections several times. She had orthoscopic surgery on her knees a few years earlier, and every morning she woke up with a cough. Not sure what she was allergic to. She hadn't smoked a cigarette in 25 years.

Hot Flashes

Monday May 6, 1991

Kick back day. Slept late. Lots of linens and laundry to do. Arrived at the dentist at 1:30 for cleaning. Ran errands.

Went square dancing 7:30-9:30. I'm not sleeping very well lately. I have a hard time going to sleep at 11 p.m. Then wake up at 2 a.m. and can't sleep for 1-2 hours. Why? I don't know. I am hot alot and am having hot flashes again.

Wow, for the third night in a row, Mom and Frank are out square dancing, in spite of her not sleeping well! The chemo sure isn't keeping her down. For several years mom was on hormone replacement therapy, which is probably what caused her cancer to grow on her ovaries. Between the cancer and the cessation of the HRT, no wonder she was suddenly experiencing hot flashes again!

An Engagement Ring Surprise

Sunday May 5, 1991

Shirley, Marc, Frank and I went to church. It was childrens day and they sang and read prayers and collected the offering. It was really sweet. Helen our neighbor played piano.

After church we went to Gary's where he and Maria treated us to a delicious lunch. Maria surprised us with an engagement ring Gary had just given her. No date yet for the wedding. Gary and Marc hadn't seen each other in many years so they had a good visit.

Frank and I changed into our square dance clothes and drove Shirley and Marc to the flyaway bus, then headed for Oxnard to square dance with friends. Several of us went to dinner at Jessie Cates afterward. It was a busy but nice weekend for us. I was no more tired than Frank. I'm doin' fine.

Gary and Maria had been together for almost 10 years, but didn't get married until June 8, 1992. They were both in their late 30s and Maria had 2 pre-teen boys Gabe and Joe, but Gary wanted a child of his own.

The Next Time I See You May Be In Heaven

Saturday May 4, 1991

Frank and I got up early for breakfast. He left about 8:00 a.m. to pick up Marc, Shirley's son, in Van Nuys, at the bus terminal.

It was great to see Marc. We had become very close last year when his grandmother, my Aunt Ila, had grown so ill and I went up to spend some time. It was a difficult time as she was on a respirator and too weak to communicate. She died a few weeks later and Frank and I went to Sacramento again for her funeral.

We spent the day sightseeing in Simi Valley and playing pool. We took them with us to our square dance in the evening and they watched us spin around the room with all our friends.

I remember my last words to Aunt Ila were "The next time I see you may be here or may be in Heaven."

Sounds like mom is the one having the premonition now. That last sentence was written in later with a different pen, like it was an after thought, something that she had just remembered. Mom had visited her Aunt Ila the year before as she lay dying of Lou Gehrig's disease. Aunt Ila was afraid to go off the respirator and mom tried to encourage her to let go. A few weeks later she did go off the respirator and passed away. I wonder if mom had any idea that she would be joining her aunt in heaven so soon?

"It's Always Something" by Gilda Radner

Friday May 3, 1991

Shirley and I have a lovely morning on the patio in our night clothes. She is being very gracious about smoking outdoors. Just a whiff of her smoke starts me coughing though. She came to help me around the house but I don't need it so she begins to read Gilda Radner's book "It's Always Something." It's the story in Gilda's words about her fight with ovarian cancer like mine. Gilda lost her fight, but she was very different from me in every way. She had lots of physical problems that I don't have and she didn't deal with it well, mentally. She was a very high strung creative person. I am very calm and determined.

Oddly, Chris had given me Gilda's book a couple of years ago. It's the only book she had ever give me. A premonition??

Shirley and I went out to lunch and shopped for hours.

Did I have a premonition? Why did I buy mom that book? It was 20 years ago and I can't remember what made me buy it. Cousin Shirley was a chain smoker who lived her life with a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other. I can't believe mom put up with it!

Cousin Shirley's Visit

Thursday May 2, 1991

I have been very busy cleaning the house this week in anticipation of Cousin Shirley Ray's visit for 4 days.

I pick up Shirley in Van Nuys at the fly-away bus terminal. She looks great! We lunch at Coco's and have the best chicken oriental salad. After lunch we drive by my 2 rental houses and then Shirley's old home in Northridge. The house looks very different. It is nostalgia time. We talk alot about the old days and our childhoods. We dig up some old and painful memories, but it is good. We have always been very close. I am all the family she has except for her 2 sons.

Cousin Shirley is Aunt Ila's daughter. Aunt Ila was mom's father's sister. They shared an abusive father and a mother who ran away with the circus. Both became alcoholics as did Cousin Shirley. I'm sure that had something to do with the painful childhood memories she refers to. Shirley's sister committed suicide when I was a little girl. Cousin Shirley is so deep in her addiction by this time that mom is the only friend she has left. Shirley would often call mom in the middle of the night drunk as could be crying about her terrible childhood. When mom died, Shirley drank herself to death shortly thereafter. So sad!

Bob & Anita

Wednesday May 1, 1991

Feeling great! Took a walk.

Frank and I drive out to Judy and Paul's in Palmdale for dinner. Judy's mom and dad, Anita and Bob are there for the week to help out with the baby. Anita has invited us out for a turkey dinner. What a treat! Turkey with all the fixens. We both eat too much.

Baby Tayler is so pretty and is growing so we can tell the difference in a week and a half. We talk about the cruise to Alaska we are taking with Bob and Anita in July/August. It will be great fun! We really like Bob and Anita.

It's so easy for mom to make new friends and now she is reaping the benefit of having lots of support from them. The cancer is not slowing her down at all. She is leaving for Hawaii in a week and on an Alaskan cruise in a couple months. Two years from this day mom will leave us for her heavenly place.

To Be in the 15%

Tuesday April 30, 1991

A quiet day with time to talk to my neighbors who are concerned about me.

I start my 45 minute walks again and finally make some more phone calls to friends to tell them about my cancer. I tell everyone the same thing. I have a 15% change of living more than 5 years according to what we've read. I intend to be in that 15%. I'm young, healthy, strong, and determined. And most of all I have faith that God will pull me through, thanks to all the many people who are praying for me.

On the other hand I am quite ready to accept the alternative as well.

As determined as mom was do everything humanly possible to fight her cancer, she knew that ultimately it was God's decision whether she would be in that 15%. She was completely at peace with whatever God had planned for her. She also knew that God hears our prayers. That's why she asked all her friends to pray for her. Romans 12:12 says "Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful."

Blurred Vision

Monday April 29, 1991

It's just another normal laundry day. I'm doing all the housework now and life seems completely normal.

I do have one concern that hasn't been addressed though. A few months ago I was sitting watching TV one day and my vision suddenly became blurred. It lasted about 10 minutes. I mentioned it to Dr. Shussell and he didn't think it anything to worry about. But now it has happened 3 times. I will mention it to Dr. Russack.

We're back to normal in square dancing but need more practice to catch up.

The Thomas Family

Sunday April 28, 1991

Today we really enjoyed working in the yard. Frank moved the heather and planted some annuals for me. The yard is so beautiful. The rose bushes are full of blooms. We love our yard and really enjoy just looking at it.

In the late afternoon we go to Gene and Cathy's for dinner. They surprise us by having all the kids there. I'm delighted as I want everyone to see that I'm not sick and I look good! Cathy has been so concerned and sending cards and letters and calling me on the phone.

We have a lovely enchilada dinner on the patio. The grandchildren (4) are getting so big. They are 9 months, 1 year, 3 years and 4 years old. Lynne is so helpful to her mom in the kitchen. She has news of a new beau.

Taking care of the back yard was a full time job for Frank. It is huge and kept meticulously maintained. Frank's son Paul had his wedding in their backyard with the beautiful lavender jacaranda tree as a backdrop for the ceremony. A nice example of a jacaranda tree is shown above.

Mom's brother Gene and his wife Cathy have 3 children: Perry who is 2 years younger than me, Guy born 2 years later and Lynne who was born 10 years later. In the photo above taken in 1997 at Grandma Helen's funeral starting from the left are my sister-in-law Maria and my brother Gary hiding behind her, Lisa, Guy's wife, then their son Patrick, Guy, his daughter Allison, Perry's daughter Brittany, my cousin Lynne behind Perry's daughter Lindsay, myself, my cousin Perry in the white hat, his wife Cathy, and my Aunt Cathy and Uncle Gene. Lynne didn't marry the new beau but she did marry an attorney in Seattle in 1999 and they have 3 children now, Emerson, Eloisa, and Ellington.

"What Your Doctor Won't Tell You About Cancer"

Saturday April 27, 1991

We leave early to attend a film in Santa Monica called "What Your Doctor Won't Tell You About Cancer." The film talks about prevention, diet and treatments. It is narrated by film star Eddie Albert who is there in person. It seems there are many who believe in Laetrile, which is only available in Mexico, as a cure for cancer.

After the film we walk around the Santa Monica Mall and have a lovely salad at an outdoor cafe. From there we go to Dave's "surprise" 60th birthday party in Culver City. Dave is Myra's hubby. What a party! Mariachis, disc jockey, balloons, and food, food, food. We have a nice time talking to Sean and Melissa, Jeannie, Duane and Myra. Enjoyed the party.

Some slight abdominal pain.


The documentary mom and Frank saw in Santa Monica was produced by Chuck Wintner, an award winning film producer whose other works include Victims and Angel Dust. "What Your Doctor Won’t Tell You About Cancer" was the winner of the Houston International Film Festival for Best Investigative Documentary and Silver Medalist in the 1992 New York Film Festival for Best Documentary.

The 72-minute documentary, hosted by Eddie Albert, exposes the conflicts of interests within major medical institutions that have led to the failed war on cancer. The Cancer Control Society and several of its members are highlighted in the film. Testimonials by patients using Conventional and Unconventional Therapies are included. Eddie Albert lived til the ripe old age of 99 and died May 27, 2005.

The Greek Theater

Friday April 26, 1991

I am out shopping and banking most of the day. The weather has been beautiful lately.

Frank arrives home with 4 tickets to the Greek Theater, an outdoor theater in the Hollywood Hills. The Kentucky Headhunters are performing. After several phone calls to friends Robbie and Dolores are going with us.

Unfortunately the music at the concert is not really country western. It's more rock style and too too loud! We leave early to console ourselves with a piece of pie at Bakers Square in Sepulveda.

It's great to be normal and out for the evening.

Mom and Frank enjoyed going to concerts and country western was their favorite. Not being a country western fan myself, I have never heard of the Kentucky Headhunters. The Greek Theater, pictured above, is located at Griffith Park in Los Angeles, California. Originally built in 1929, this amphitheatre was built in the style of a Greek temple.

Spaghetti Dinner

Thursday, April 25, 1991

Today I meet Frank at the Granada Hills office of Dr. Russack. Dr. Russack is my regular MD. He is the doctor that was on duty in the emergency room the night I checked myself in. My neighbors Doris and Helen had driven me to Woodland Hills and dropped me off. Frank and Gary were skiing in Mammoth. I called Frank that night and he and Gary rushed home the next day.

Dr. Russack wants to know all about my condition and treatment. He checks me over in general and is pleased. He too is young--35 or so. He's very nice. I like him alot.

We arrive at Frank's folks house for dinner at 6:00. They are thrilled to see me so well. They have been very worried and praying alot. We have a wonderful spaghetti dinner.

Frank's family is Italian and his mom was a wonderful cook. Our family get-togethers usually consisted of loads of pasta with homemade canolis for dessert.

Don't Recommend This Diet

Wednesday, April 24, 1991

Frank loved my new bathing suit so I'm off to Penneys in Thousand Oaks to find another. I do. Then I check out May Co. They are having a great sale. Four hours later I am heading home with several new outfits, size small.

It's really odd. I'm suddenly wearing size 12 instead of a 16 and many size small instead of large. It's like I skipped right over size 14 and medium. I actually look good in flowered pants after years of only black and dark colored pants to look slimmer. I love my new figure. I still should lose another 15 pounds to look better yet but I'm supposed to eat well to keep my strength up in order to fight the cancer so I must be careful.

As mom began her battle with cancer she quickly lost 17 pounds. She battled with her weight all her adult life and she passed this battle on to her daughter. For me it was having my foot in a cast in 1990 that caused me to gain 35 pounds, skipping right over size 16 to a size 18. Mom was concerned with her weight even in her last days. I remember her stating that she was happy to have lost 20 pounds right before she died. She was resigned to dying by then, and I think she wanted to look good in her casket. We women are so obsessed with our body image, no matter our stage in life!

Shopping

Tuesday April 23, 1991

I am sleeping very well these nights and waking about 7 a.m. At 10:30 a.m. I am at Kaiser to have my blood checked to see how I am accepting the chemo drugs. When I talk to Dr. Bix she is very pleased with the results and how well I'm doing. I ask about her life and we get to know each other a little. She's never had time to marry, is 34, and has 2 dogs.

I treat myself to a stir-fry chicken pita at Bakers Square Restaurant and then buy some new square dance clothes. At Penneys I finally pick up my new glasses and buy a new bathing suit for Hawaii.

My appetite is almost back to normal; no longer losing weight. I have an occasional little pain here and there in my belly. No problem. I feel great.

Didn't I tell you mom loved to shop? As soon as she was feeling up to it, she was buying herself yet another square dancing outfit and a new bathing suit.

Mom was always interested in people. She loved to study them from a distance and engage strangers in conversation. No way was she going to have a doctor who did not share her personal life.

Square Dancing

Monday April 22, 1991

How wonderful, the Mexican food did not disturb my stomach last night. We arrived home at 10:30. It was a very long day and I did very well.

My strength is rapidly returning. Today I did several loads of laundry and made many trips up the stairs. I finally make it outside to water all my plants on the patio. It's a beautiful day.

I feel well enough to go back to our square dancing class tonight. Everyone is so surprised to see us. I get lots of hugs. Everyone wants to know how I feel. I feel loved! We leave 15 minutes early because Frank is tired!

Frank tells me I looked young and very pretty tonight. We make love.

After mom retired she and Frank joined a square dancing club. They danced twice/week and made a wide circle of friends. Mom loved to shop for clothes and had four closets full. She had a separate rack of square dancing clothes. I think wearing the beautiful clothes was part of what appealed to her. In fact she wanted to be buried in her favorite square dancing outfit.

Closer to God

Sunday April 21, 1991

This morning I tell Frank, my Catholic husband, that I want more than anything to go to church this morning with Chris, Ric and Justin. I mean, of course, the Methodist Church where we have gone for Christmas Eve Services. He, of course, agrees to go.

I weep alot during church. Each song and prayer seem to pertain to me at this time. It is wonderful being there with my loved ones. I love going to church. The sermon is about gossiping, which we don't do.

After church I feel so good, we call Paul and Judy--we want to drive to Palmdale to see them and baby Tayler. I feel like I have lots of wind in my sails today. I feel slim and beautiful.

Tayler is a beautiful baby and destined to red hair like her mom. I love holding her, a new life, only 3-1/2 days old!

Later at Deb and Phil's, Joey gives me a large card he had made for me. I love it! Sara gives me hugs.

We eat Mexican food out.

Mom's faith was very personal. I never saw her pray or read the Bible, and she only went to church on Christmas and Easter. How I wish we could have prayed together during this time.

Palmdale is on our way home to Northern California so we take separate cars and continue north after our visit with Frank's son Paul, his wife Judy and their new baby Tayler.

Pancakes for Breakfast

Saturday April 20, 1991

I wake Frank up with "I want pancakes for breakfast!" The nausea is finally gone. I'm alive! Still a little weak from the 17 pounds I've lost. I manage one pancake and a little scrambled egg. It actually tastes good! No more jello! Go slow--don't rush it!

By noon I feel good enough to go shopping with Chris for a card and gifts for Tayler Rae. We're gone an hour. I'm tired when we get home.

Gary, Maria, Junior and Joseph have arrived. They brought tri-tip roast and fresh strawberries and a birthday cake for Chris. Gift clothes they give Chris Don't fit so we go shopping again for 2 hours. Feels great to be out and about. I have no pain at all.

Gary and Maria and Chris and Ric are talking about when and where to get married and about babies they want. I have alot to look forward to.

We have a grand and glorious day! Friends from square dance bring me a plant from the club.

Mom and Frank were supposed to visit me in Sonoma County on my birthday April 9. Instead mom was checking herself into the hospital that day. 11 days later I was visiting her after her cancer diagnosis. That was sweet of my brother Gary and his wife Maria to bring a belated birthday cake. Gary and Maria did get married the following year in June 1992 and Ric and I got married a week later on June 15. Besides her beloved grandson Justin, mom did get one more grandchild before she died. Derek was 10 months old when she died, so he never got the chance to know her. His brother Ryan was born two years later and Gary and Maria's twin boys Austin and Robert were born in 1996.

Justin My Love

Friday April 19, 1991

Chris and Ric sleep in but Justin my love is up early watching TV. I give him a love then set out the milk and cereal he loves so much.

Soon Chris and Ric are up and I realize my nausea is half gone. I feel alot better but not yet hungry. I decided not to take the rest of the antibiotics. Maybe that's what's been making me sick.

We have a good day of visiting. Chris has brought me a plant from a lady in the office that I've talked to occasionally. How sweet! Chris has bought a card for me with such loving sentiment it makes me cry a little. Ric is sweet-running to the store. Justin loves me and is concerned.

Frank is home before we know it, busy fixing dinner. I can stand the smell tonight. We play some board games.

What a wonderful grandma she was for Justin, seen above in 1991 at 10 years old. From the time he was 5 years old I would drive him to the airport to fly down to see Grandma in Southern California for two weeks every summer. She would meet him at the airport and they would spend their time together playing games, visiting museums, going to the beach and he even built a bird house with Papa Frank. Three times each summer we would go camping with grandma at Lake Don Pedro near Modesto and camp on the shore, getting up early every morning to go water skiing while the water was glassy.

Tayler Rae is born

Thursday April 18, 1991

Today I feel awful again. The nausea has returned. I can't eat. I'm still losing weight.

Chris, Ric and Justin are coming tonight. They should be here about 8 p.m. Yesterday I told Chris how good I was feeling and looking forward to their visit but today is another story.

More cards, letters, phone calls, prayers and a lovely floral arrangement from our neighbors, the Mutals, who own a flower shop. I feel so surrounded by love and protected with prayers. I just know I'm going to win this battle with cancer. I must convince everyone else that this is so.

Chris and Ric have car trouble and arrive at midnight after we are in bed. Key is under the mat.

Paul called this morning. Tayler Rae was born at 9:30 last night. Judy and baby are fine. She's 6 lbs 12 oz and 19".

I am fortunate to have a work schedule at Pacific Gas and Electric where I have every other Friday off. This is my 3-day weekend, so we leave after work Thursday with my son Justin, mom's first grandchild, to make the 400 mile drive to Simi Valley. Frank's son Paul now has a baby girl, a petite red head like her mom Judy.

A New Baby on the Way

Wednesday April 17, 1991

I awake at 7 a.m. Can this be? I don't feel so nauseated. I have a little toast and juice. As the day progresses so do I. I wash a few clothes, pick up the house and clean the bathroom. My incisions feel alot better.

Frank comes home from his first day back at work and reminds me I have forgotten to take the antibiotic they gave me when I left the hospital. I take 2 before bedtime and one during the wee hours.

Judy is in Antelope Valley Hospital with Paul and Debby. Her water broke at noon in a garden nursery. She's still in (inducted) labor at 8:00 p.m. We go to bed wondering and worried. I can't sleep all night thinking of Judy, praying for us both.

In spite of her own battle with a deadly cancer, mom is up all night worrying about her daughter-in-law who is labor with her first child.

First Chemo

Tuesday April 16, 1991

We arrive for my first chemo therapy at 9 a.m. I am assigned a nurse that will stay with me for the entire hour or so. Frank can stay. There are lounge chairs but I'm even more nauseous today so ask for a bed. I feel better lying down.

Yesterday they took more blood to compare with other blood tests each month in the future. First into the IV in my hand goes a tranquilizer, then an anti-nausea medication, then the chemo drugs--Cisplatin and Cyclophosphamide. The hour goes fast. I think I slept some. Frank watches me and some TV above the bed. We go home.

I am drowsy in a chair at home the rest of the day. Still not interested in food but trying to eat something. 7 Up and sherbet still tastes best.

According to the National Cancer Institute website Cysplatin is approved to be used to treat advanced ovarian cancer in patients who have already had surgery. Mom was participating in a study to determine if ovarian cancer was best treated with chemotherapy before or after surgery to remove the tumors. Mom had several large tumors and the cancer had metastasized throughout her abdomen. Her part in the study was to have chemotherapy before surgery. The chemo had alot of work to do to catch up with the damage already done.

Frank is an Angel

Monday April 15, 1991

Frank has extended his one-week vacation. Today we went to see my Oncology Dr. Bix. She is young, thin, and blonde. She doesn't seem very warm. We get off to a bad start because she doesn't have my medical records and wants me to tell her everything. I am upset; she should know. Dr. Beinstock arrives with the records. He tells me what he found inside me. It is disturbing to hear.

Dr. Bix explains what will happen with chemo and we decide to start it tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. I'm very anxious to get started.

We won't be going square dancing tonight, again. I'm still nauseous.

The cards and letters are coming in the mail now and still more phone calls. Frank is an angel--for real. He's taking charge of everything and can't do enough for me.

Mom and Frank joined a square dancing club shortly after mom retired. She was blessed to be able to take an early retirement from her job as a purchasing agent for a medical supply company. Frank continued to work for the City of Los Angeles. They danced every week and made a new circle of friends. They even went on camping trips with the square dancing club and bought a new fifth wheel trailer. I am so thankful that Frank stood by her side every step of her journey with this disease. Not only did he extend his vacation but ended up retiring from a job he loved in order to take care of mom.

My parents divorced when I was 19 and mom met Frank 2 years later when she and I were taking dry land ski lessons. At our last session of lessons we went to a park where a small hill was covered with crushed ice to give us the sensation of skiing on snow. Frank was there with his class and he seemed like a friendly guy. I liked him right away. Mom and I were driving away from the park and I encouraged her to get Frank's phone number before we left. She rolled down her car window and they exchanged numbers. He lived in Newbury Park. We lived in Mission Hills, a distance of 35 miles. They started a long-distance relationship which lasted 8 years, spending weekends together while Frank raised his 3 children. Finally in 1982, with Frank's youngest daughter off to college in San Diego, they were married in their brand new home in Simi Valley.

Best Friend Donna

Sunday April 14, 1991

I'm up and around today but still nauseated and losing weight. I've lost 13 pounds in 2 weeks. I try to eat but can only manage a spoonful or two of toast, yogurt or jello still.

The phone rings alot. Everyone wants to know how I'm doing.

I received a beautiful floral arrangement from Paul and Judy on Friday. Yesterday the florist delivered one with lots of balloons and flowers from Phillip and Debby.

I've spoken with my best friend since Jr. High, Donna, a couple of times. I hated to tell her--this time I have cancer. She had breast cancer and a mastectomy 6 years ago. She is very upset for me, and Bob is too.

I have many relatives and friends to call. I want to share this with everyone who cares about me. I need all their prayers.

Paul and Phillip are mom's stepsons. Judy and Debby were their wives. Mom was the one who did most of the work to merge Frank's family and her family when they married in 1982. She kept in touch with all the kids and hosted all the family holiday get-togethers. I'm so happy that her friends and family, including her stepchildren, rallied around her and especially proud that she wanted to share her news with everyone who cared about her and ask for their prayers. She believed in the power of prayer.

Donna was like part of our family when I was growing up. Our families did everything together. We all prayed for Donna when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Donna and I both drove to Woodland Hills to be at mom's bedside in the hospital. Donna lived east of Sacramento in Pollock Pines. I lived in Windsor 70 miles north of the Golden Gate Bridge. Donna was the one person I wanted to call when mom passed away. I knew she would be devastated more than anyone outside the immediate family and I wanted to be the one to give her the sad news. Her husband Bob told us Donna said not one word the entire drive south for the funeral, a 7 hour drive.

Home Again

Saturday April 13, 1991

Awoke in my own bed today after 3 days and nights at Kaiser Hospital, Woodland Hills, where I had excellent care. I really like all four of my new doctors!

Paul, Gary, Frank's mom and aunt and uncle were there with Frank during my 90 minute exploratory surgery yesterday. Frank, Paul and Gary all hugged and cried when Dr. Beinstock came out to confirm the cancer is malignant. One tumor is orange size, one is tangerine size, and many the size of raisins scattered within my abdomen. I will have chemo first!

The first thing I remember, I am back in my room with Frank, Gary and Maria. The nurse is saying I must go home now. I am amazed. I can't even keep my eyes open. I feel my stomach. It is flat again. Praise the Lord the fluid is gone. Instead there are bandages, small incisions, 2 below my belly button. Gary and Maria followed us home. It's 11:30 p.m.

Frank is mom's second husband, Paul is his son. Gary is my younger brother and Maria is his wife. The situation sounds kind of like giving birth. You go in with a big belly, come home with a flat one, and they make you go home the next day. Even though mom was exhausted after her surgery and the ordeal in the hospital, she was committed to making an entry in her journal every single day. The set of 6 journals were a gift I had given her for Christmas the year before. I never suspected they would be used for this purpose.

The Envelope Please

Friday April 12, 1991

I slept well after finally managing to drink that gallon of awful stuff which will cleanse my bowel in case they have to remove some of it today in surgery. They will do a laperostomy and a biopsy, then draw an envelope. Inside will be the decision to remove the cancer or wait six months and have chemotherapy first. I would much rather have chemo first.

Last night I talked to my mother, my daughter and my son and other family members who love me. They are all praying for me. That means so very very much to me.

God and I talked alot and I felt Jesus was right there with me. I am very much at peace with my cancer. I'm not worried or sad. I feel challenged to a fight and I'm going to do my best to win.

My stomach looks like I'm going to have a baby as I'm wheeled into surgery.

Mom told us right up front that her chances of surviving Stage III ovarian cancer were very small. She felt like being part of the study meant that her journey would mean something for future women receiving this diagnosis. I recently went to a seminar at Kaiser Permanente as well as consulting with my gynecologist. Unfortunately, screening for ovarian cancer has not improved since mom was diagnosed in 1991. She had abdominal pain for 2 years and every time she went to the doctor about her pain she was told it was probably indigestion and to try taking Maalox. Finally, her belly swelled so much she looked like she was 6 month's pregnant. She went to the emergency room and told the doctor there she was not leaving until they found out what was wrong with her.

I am so happy that mom felt Jesus was right there with her and she was at peace with her cancer. I remember the day I got that phone call and I was definitely NOT at peace. I cried for 3 days. I was already grieving for her.

PoPo

Grandpa met Flo in California. She was a salesgirl of 35 in a fancy ladies ready-to-wear. She'd never been married, so never did have any children of her own. After all raising Daddy was a new experience and then there were always the times they had Ila. Life turned around for Grandpa with Flo. She made a real successful businessman out of him, from used cars to real estate he always did well. In their later years, they did a lot of fishing, especially in Arkansas where they loved to drive. They also loved baseball and having me come to visit when school let out for the summer. Mother would put me on a bus. The driver would take me to Los Angeles and drop me off with instructions to get on the streetcar. At the end of the streetcar ride waited by grandpa and PoPo. I somehow made Po out of Flo when I was little and she was forever my wonderful PoPo until the day she died from a broken hip back home again in Boise, Idaho. My summers at Grandpa and PoPo's were full of baseball games, shopping for me, fishing and Grandpa making popcorn in the evening. Popo loved to curl my very short hair with her curling iron and I loved sleeping in the big bed in the spare bedroom with the pink satin comforter.

I thank God Mom had PoPo in her life, someone who would treat her special and take her shopping when her own mother made her wear feed sacks to school and loved her beer more than she loved her children. Mom loved PoPo and went to visit her in Idaho many times when I was a girl.
When I was 12 years old Mom took my brother and I on a Greyhound bus to Boise and we spent a week with PoPo. That was quite an adventure. It was a 3 day trip. In the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere the bus hit and killed a horse. We had to wait for hours for another bus to arrive and take all the passengers on the Boise. The photo above was taken on that trip. From the left are PoPo, her sister Muriel, me and my brother Gary.

The last line of her entry brings tears to my eyes because mom always loved to brush my hair and curl it with a curling iron, even when I was well into my 30s. She gave me a permanent wave every few months when I was a little girl. One of my last memories with mom is brushing her hair in the hospital as she lay dying from cancer. As you can see in the photo above taken 3 weeks before her death with my stepdad Frank, she still had hair in spite of all the chemotherapy she had been given for 2 years, but as I brushed her hair in those last days, it came out in clumps in the brush. I cried.

Running away with the circus

Daddy had a dreadful childhood. He was a sickly child. When he was 9 years old his mother ran away from the husband and two children. She ran away with the circus. Actually, she was swept off her feet by a carnival barker and lived that life for many years. Grandpa struggled to keep his little 5-year-old Ila and Daddy together. He was a proud man, a stern man. Daddy remembered when his mother finally returned there was a big fight so he hid under the kitchen sink. He remembered to the day he died his mother's words, "I'm taking Ila, you can have Jerry. I don't want him." Life in Idaho wasn't easy in those days and soon Grandpa packed he and Daddy into the old car and started out for California. Daddy's only love was his books. He always read a lot. He thought he could read all the way to California, but Grandpa got mad at him for having to stop too many times to go to the bathroom and he grabbed all of Daddy's books and threw them out beside the road.

I can kind of see why mom's grandmother would run off with the circus after being married to an abusive husband, but how could she leave her children behind? No wonder my grandpa became an alcoholic. He was probably trying to medicate his pain. Mom stayed close to her Aunt Ila, pictured above, until Aunt Ila died in the 1980s. She was an alcoholic too, as was her daughter who was killed by the disease. Aunt Ila died of Lou Gehrig's disease. I remember she was dying in the hospital in the Sacramento area and mom drove all the way up from Southern California to be with her and to try to give her the courage to have the life support disconnected. Her lungs had quit working and she was so afraid of suffocating to death. Whatever mom said to her, a few days later she had the machines disconnected and passed away. I was so proud of my mother.

Santa Monica Pier

Mother loved the beach. She loved to swim in the surf, but one time I'll never forget. She'd been drinking her beer and there was a rip tide. She was screaming for help and somehow I went into the surf and helped her struggle back out of the water. I thought my mother was going to drown that day. My Daddy never liked the ocean. He wouldn't swim and was terrified of water since his father had thrown him off the Santa Monica Pier when he was a teenager. "Swim", he yelloed, "Swim, it's the only way you'll ever learn how," and somehow he managed to swim to shore.

This sounds like child abuse to me. When I was a girl mom took us to the Santa Monica pier almost every week in the summertime, so I am very familiar with how far of a drop it is to the water. I'm glad that mom loved the beach because I have lots of memories of good times there body surfing, building sand castles, and riding the carousel on the Santa Monica pier, pictured above. In those days, nobody had even heard of sunscreen. I came home sunburned and sandy every time.

Adultery

Mother had her ways of coping. She drank too much beer too and she had a man friend. He was Italian and he owned the liquor store. I remember one weekend Mother and I took the tent and went to the beach where there were lots of rocks in the water. If you lifted the right rocks you could find baby octopuses under them. I found that thrilling. There were lots of Italian people there and mother's friend. It was the first time I ever tasted duck. They cooked it over an open fire. I liked the shrimp better. Mother slept with her man friend that night. Later, I remember Mother and Daddy had a big fight when we came home and Doris' mother was there with Daddy.

How awful! It sounds like adultery took place on both sides, with mom as a witness. Remember Doris' mother was a prostitute. No wonder there was a big fight, undoubtedly fueled by lots of beer. Mom's parents shown above approximately 1934.

Beer and the Butcher Knife

In those days when we went out to eat it was always in a beer bar or did we just happen to eat there because our parents were there drinking beer? Everybody drank lots of beer in those days. I hate the smell of beer to this day and have never tasted it. I always thought the beer was to blame for everything bad that happened. Like the time my Daddy chased Gene down the dirt street with a butcher knife in his hand or the times when Mother and Daddy would have those terrible screaming fights or when Daddy caught the couch on fire from his cigarette when he fell into a drunken stupor. One night at my aunt and uncle's house, Daddy smashed his fist right through a wall when there was an argument.

How scary for mom to be raised in an alcoholic and even violent family. She had to learn to grow up quickly and take care of herself because she couldn't count on her parents to do it. Her dad died when I was a baby, but her mother outlived her. I remember when we would have family get-togethers my grandma would drink too much beer, and mom would be so embarrassed by her behavior. She always got emotional and weepy when she drank too much.

Animal Shows with Doris

I remember acting not so responsibly one day when my friend and I stripped all the oranges off the orange trees in our yard. We walked all around the neighborhood selling oranges and then we split the profits 50/50. Mother was furious. How could we sell her oranges and my friend get half the money?

This friend, Doris, was always coming up with some childlike ways to make money. We had a large front porch across the front of our house. We would sell tickets to our neighbors for 5 cents and we'd put on a skating show or a play or sing and dance. They must have liked it. They always came. One time Daddy set up the old tent Grandpa had given us on the front lawn and Doris sat inside reading palms and telling fortunes for a price. We had animal shows with our dogs, cats and farm animals. Sometimes we'd get other kids in the neighborhood like the Zovacks next door to join in our performances, but no one was a ham like Doris, who peed her pants every time she laughed too hard, and we did a lot of hard laughing. A strange thing about Doris, she was gang raped when she was 16 and then married one gang member who tried to stop it. Doris was illegitimate and raised by her old grandparents. Her mother was a prostitute and would sometimes come around. I remember she had pretty red hair and lots of jewelry, and she took us out to eat in a bar sometimes.

I have met many of mom's friends, but I never knew Doris. Even though her childhood situation was a sad one, Doris sounds like she was lots of fun. I'm proud of mom for being her friend and I know she must have been very supportive when Doris was raped. I hope Doris' life turned out well.

Above is a photograph of mom in her roller skates around 1940. She loved to roller skate and even knew how to skate backwards.