My First Walk In Months

Thursday November 14, 1991

We are up and out for a 20-minute walk. My first in months. My hips hurt and later it turns into a backache. It will take awhile to get back into better shape. My weight gain doesn't help. Lugging 42 extra pounds around is hard on my body, my knees, hips, and feet.

Dr. Bix said I would gain weight on the kemo but I think she's wrong. I don't feel any more hungry than on the last kemo. In fact, I think I'm less hungry and each day I plan to start eating right and each day my good intentions go down the drain. Do I think I should enjoy eating whatever I want cause my days are numbered? Maybe.

This post speaks to my heart! I don't know if it's because my mom was always dieting when I was growing up, or a genetic predisposition, but I too start each day with good intentions, but by the evening they are down the drain. I continually snack after dinner, even if I have eaten healthy all day long, thereby undoing all my good behavior. I am carrying around 75 extra pounds. I have pain in my back, hips, feet (plantar faciitis) and lately even my knees.

Her last statement makes me sad. She knows that eating healthy increases her chance of beating the cancer, but she is wondering if it is all in vain anyway because she is dying.

Manicure

Wednesday November 13, 1991

Still sleeping very well. I seem to have had no side effects from my kemo yesterday.

I have my nails done. I really like my new manicurist. She's about 22, Caucasian, and very chatty. Such a refreshing change from the past 6 years. My old manicurist was Vietnamese and we never talked. We had nothing in common. She charged $5 less but I finally decided money wasn't that important.

We go to Newbury Park for the squre dance clinic. We do really well and have lots of fun. Afterward we go to Hungry Hunter for dinner with Larry and Bernice. We really enjoy each other.

Throughout Mom's journal I have noticed that money seems to be no object. Here she says that she has been getting manicures for 6 years and that the extra money spent is unimportant. Is she getting a manicure every week, every month? That's alot of money. I have never had a manicure or pedicure in my life. When they go on vacation, they take expensive excursions, go out for meals frequently, and when they go square dancing, they go out to dinner afterwards with their friends almost every time. They also frequently go out to breakfast, lunch or dinner at nice restaurants.

Although my family does go on vacations, it is mostly on camping trips, stays at inexpensive motels, or using our timeshares, which we pay for whether we use them or not. When we were in Utah last month, we spent just $40 on our motel room. I think that's a record for our cheapest nightly stay. My husband wanted to stay next door in Green River at the $32/night motel, but that place made my skin crawl and my stomach revolt. I have limits!

Annual dues paid for our timeshares make our nightly stays in a 2 bedroom condo come out to be anywhere from $50-$100 per night, depending on whether it is a weekday or weekend, and the location and season. When we are staying in a condo, we buy groceries at Costco and prepare meals in the unit, and pack lunches in an ice chest. When we do eat out, whether on vacation or at home, it's only if we have a 2-for-1 coupon, or if we're going to Wendy's for $1.29 chili. Also, since gas is currently almost $4/gallon, Ric goes on-line before we leave for our trip to see which gas station has the cheapest gas.

Second New Kemo

Tuesday November 12, 1991

Up at 7 a.m. to go out to breakfast early at Eggs & Things. By 11 a.m. we are at Kaiser for my second kemo with the new drug. All goes well except I have my blood drawn and immediately go to the restroom. For a second I let my arm down and blood shoots everywhere, all over my bare thighs, panties and arm. It takes awhile to clean up. The nurse trying to find a vein to give my drugs into kids me saying "Dolores, you left your veins at home!" I laugh. They always have a hard time finding a vein and getting a needle into it.

Afterward, we go out to lunch (about 2 pm) and do some shopping. It's good to get home to rest.

We'll eat light tonight.

Oh my God! How awful! Why is blood shooting everywhere? Is it because she has been stabbed so many times in the vein that it has become slack? What a scary experience.

I have the same problem with the nurses not being able to find my veins, whether it's for a blood draw or an IV. However, I don't laugh when they stab me over and over trying to find a vein. It hurts! Especially when they move the needle around after it's penetrated the skin. I can remember times when it took 3 different nurses taking a stab at me until they finally found a vein.

Five Weeks After Surgery

Monday November 11, 1991

Five weeks after surgery.

We're up at 7 a.m. to have breakfast with Steve before he leaves for work. Dolores tries in vain to sleep in. By 9 a.m. we are on our way to Frank's folks for lunch. I'm feeling really great! No bad effects from the hill walking yesterday. We stop for a snack at 10 a.m. I really don't think I'm any more hungry than usual with the new kemo. I think I should be able to lose a pound a week with a little effort. I'm ready to get back to walking.

We visit with Frank's folks a few hours, then head home to go square dancing. I am full of energy after a one-hour rest and really enjoy dancing with our friends. I dance every dance and don't even sit to rest in between tips. We eat out after with all our friends.

We have careful intercourse for the first time. It's great!

Wow, a full day driving from San Diego, visiting the in-laws, square dancing and then out to eat with friends, and Mom still had energy left over to have sex? I'm exhausted just hearing about her full day, and I don't have cancer. I'd say she is recovered from her surgery!

La Jolla

Sunday November 10, 1991

Slept so well! No hot flashes last night! Wonderful! I wake up feeling great! Dolores makes us turkey bacon and egg toast. We enjoy!

We take a walk and later drive to La Jolla. Steve gives us the "nickel tour" of his architectural firm. In town we stroll the streets and down to the beach. It's mostly cliffs and rocks. There were some swimmers. Sunny day, water 62 degrees.

We stop at an estate sale and Frank buys Steve a book on house repairs. Later we drive to Mission Beach and we buy lunch at a nice restaurant. We walk on the beach. We go for a drive and arrive home about 5 p.m. Dolores fixes us a nice dinner. I am tired. This was quite a day of walking for me. Surgery was 5 weeks ago. I did well today. Some strange pains, not bad.

Well, I had never heard of the term nickel tour, so looked it up and it means to show you around the place quickly. Must have been a saying from mom's generation. La Jolla is a beautiful town north of San Diego. Dolores and Steve actually moved there several years later and paid lots of money for a tiny fixer-upper. So I guess the book Frank bought this day might have come in handy for later.

Off To San Diego

Saturday November 9, 1991

Best night this week. Only 4 hot flashes last night. I feel really good this morning. I'm awake at 6:45 and ready to rise and shine. By 9 a.m. we're packed and ready to go to San Diego. The traffic around Los Angeles is "stop and go". Awful! But we finally do arrive about 2 p.m. We stopped for a nice lunch at Marie Callendar's in Capistrano.

The kids are glad to see us. We get the grand tour of their new house. It's really a neat little house. We will sleep in the trundle bed in what will be the baby's room someday.

We go to Old Town for dinner but all the restaurants have long waits. We end up at Acapulco where the kids don't care for their dinners. Steve buys dinner.

At home we eat the key lime pie we brought from Marie Callendar's. I call and talk to Yvonne but it's hard. She's doing customers' nails while we talk.

Wow, 5 hours to travel 160 miles from Simi Valley to San Diego, and this is on a Saturday, when traffic should be much lighter! Several years ago, when our two teenage boys were very young, we took them to Legoland which is in Carlsbad, north of San Diego, and I remember the traffic coming north to Simi Valley through the Los Angeles basin, including the Long Beach area. It was 8 lanes of traffic on Interstate 5, all crawling along at 5 mph. We have not been back since. The horrendous traffic is one of the many reasons I left Southern California after graduating from college in 1974.

I remember mom talking about how small Dolores and Steve's house was in San Diego, where prices were so expensive for housing. Dolores is Frank's daughter, who went to college at San Diego State, met her husband there, and stayed in the area after graduating with a teaching degree.

I am so touched that Mom called Yvonne who lived in San Diego (and perhaps still does?) Yvonne was my brother's girlfriend 35 years ago. That's one thing I admire about mom. Once a friend, always a friend.

Frank Is Building a Doll House

Friday November 8, 1991

Last day (#5) of 1 kemo drug.

Better night and I feel better this morning. I do some housework but Frank insists on doing the vacuuming. We're going to San Diego tomorrow and Sunday to visit Dee and Steve. We'll return Monday.

Frank is happy spending lots of time in the garage lately. Mostly working with wood. He's building a doll house for Sara.

Frank humors me and takes me out for tacos for lunch. I spend the afternoon and evening going through mail.

We have leftovers for dinner. At 11 p.m. we are in bed.

OK, so maybe Frank's creation was not quite as elaborate as the dollhouse pictured above, but it's the thought that counts. Sara is his granddaughter, the daughter of his oldest son Philip. I hope she still has that dollhouse. When my son Justin went to visit mom and Frank the next year, Frank helped him build a birdhouse. It wasn't so much about the "thing" that was built, but about the time they spent together making the birdhouse. That is the sort of thing that memories are made of.

Chris is Pregnant

Thursday November 7, 1991

Another poor night makes another slow morning. A ginseng helps. By 11 a.m. we are off and running for a day of errands. We do alot of banking, stop at Lemona, where I leave a note and bottle of sparkling cider to welcome our new tenants. I hope they stay for years and years, happily.

We stop to visit Gary and Maria. Then on to Sears to check out washers and dryers for mother.

We get home about 9 p.m. Chris calls. She worried because we're out so late. She tells me she just found out today she's pregnant. Baby should be born in July. I have alot of concern but I don't tell her. Her 38 age and overweight plus her general health concern me. I only tell her how happy I am and I am. Hope it's a healthy girl!

After another sleepless night, Mom is running around all day and into the late hours of the evening. No wonder I was worried. Yes, that baby (Derek) was indeed born on July 14, 1992, one day after his due date, and after 36 hours of labor and a C-section. Mom was right to be concerned. The pregnancy was difficult. The nausea began that very day, but didn't last just during the morning. It lasted 24 hours/day for 9 months, to the point where I could not work or even get out of bed, the longest 9 months of my life. A granddaughter was not to be. Mom and I were so close that even though I was already 38 years old and had one son, I longed to have a daughter to have the same kind of close relationship Mom and I shared. I tried 3 times, and gave birth to 3 boys. By the time Ryan was born I was 42 years old, too old to try again. When he graduates from high school in 2 years, I will be 60. Most of his friends have grandparents my age. It's not easy to raise teenagers at this age!

Pokey Again

Wednesday November 6, 1991

I'm real pokey again this morning due to another bad night. Not as bad as Monday night.

At 1:30 I go to the dentist feeling pretty good. Then I run some errands.

We go square dancing in Newbury Park from 6:30-8 p.m., then out to dinner with our friends. I feel fine.

Bad Night

Tuesday November 5, 1991

Bad night! Many hot flashes. I haven't had those for several weeks. A funny feeling head to toe, then the heat, head to toe. By then I'm wide awake so a trip to the bathroom. I'm sure I went potty at least 12 times.

Up at the usual time but not feeling very well. Mostly tired. I lay around alot, unable to get back to sleep after breakfast. Finally, I shower and take a ginseng for energy. I start to believe I can make it to Palmdale for Joey's award. We arrive in Palmdale at noon, have lunch at Carl's and go to Phil and Deb's. We all go to see Joey receive a plaque and picture.

We all go for yogurt and over to Paul and Judy's. He have a great visit and all go to Pizza Hut for dinner. We get home about 9:45 and I feel fine.

She doesn't say what the award is for, but Joey always liked music, so perhaps something to do with that. Frank's son Phil and his wife live in Palmdale with their two children Joey and Sarah. His other son Paul also lives in Palmdale with his wife Judy and their two children. Both are now divorced. I have never taken ginseng. It sounds like it worked well for mom. Note to Chris: buy some ginseng.

First New Kemo

Monday November 4, 1991

Up early fixing a great breakfast for Jen and Ron. They leave about 8 a.m. By the time we leave for Kaiser about 11:30 I'm feeling nauseated and tired. Maybe the greasy breakfast? We stop for a yogurt. It makes me feel better.

I am nervous about my new kemo. Fear of the unknown. We arrive at 12:45 and leave about 3 p.m. First the blood tests, then the kemo drug is given in the vein with a syringe. It takes about 10 minutes. She gives me a pill to swallow first to ward off nausea. My old kemo took an hour or more. I have to wait an hour to see Dr. Bix.

I feel fine the rest of the day except I'm tired. We dress and go square dancing but I can't stay. I go home to bed. Kathy brings Frank home.

Wow, do you think that was a bit overly optimistic to plan to go square dancing the same day she was given toxic chemicals in the vein? There is a fine line between being the eternal optimist and allowing for down time.

Driving for the First Time

Sunday November 3, 1991

Frank is off to Lemona one last time. He'll paint 2 more bedrooms. He wouldn't do it for anyone but Laura. She's so sweet. Makes us want to do more to make the house more perfect than it already is.

Jennifer and Ron are coming today to spend the night. They are delivering a CHP trailer to Riverside tomorrow. I must straighten the house up some.

I probably overdid it cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, etc. I go marketing alone. Big Deal: driving for the first time.

We fix pot roast. Jennifer and Ron arrive about 9 p.m. We have a nice visit and go to bed late. I'm feeling fine but tired.

Jennifer is the youngest daughter of Mom's best friend Donna. She lives near Placerville in Northern California so had a long drive to get to Riverside in Southern California.

It is kind of a big deal to drive by herself for the first time. Having a sense of power and independence is important.

As for Frank wanting to paint two bedrooms to please their new tenant, I can totally relate. I held several different jobs during my 33 year career with Pacific Gas & Electric, but the one I held for the last 12 was the best one by far, not because I made any more money or had better benefits, because I did not. It was because the group of 13 guys I worked with made me feel appreciated, and I wanted to do my best for them. My boss Pat was easy-going and friendly, and made me feel like his equal, not just a lowly payroll clerk. Above all, he appreciated me. I had the opportunity to take other jobs that paid more money, but I turned them down. Even though I retired 4 years ago, Pat still takes me out for a birthday lunch every April and invites me to their Christmas breakfast.

Square Dancing Is My Life

Saturday November 2, 1991

I awake full of energy! It's a great day.

We meet Laura and Terry at 10:30 a.m. His 11 year-old son Chris is with them. He will also live there. Laura's son is also 11 and Megan is 2 months. It's a pretty day! We show them everything they need to know. We sign the lease. They will pay from November 15, but we give them the keys to move in sooner if they wish. I take Laura over to meet again Hal and Eric Larson. Joan is not there. Eric remembers her. She invites him over after they move in. Laura hands me a note I read later. It is sweet, saying how much it means to them to get the house and how nice we are. Frank does the last yard work.

I'm back! Square dancing is my life! I dance almost every dance tonight. I really have fun with all my friends. My incision feels fine and so do I. It's almost 4 weeks since surgery.

Mom sure is excited to be alive today. So many exclamation points! She must be feeling good. To have all her energy back 4 weeks after major surgery is a testament to her love for life. She is excited to finally have a tenant, and especially to have a tenant who really appreciates the house. Feeling appreciated is so important, and since mom has reservations about their ability to pay the rent, I'm sure Laura's note really helped reassure her.

Also, being back in the "swing" of things at her square dancing club has really lifted her spirits. Her friends there are very important, and the dancing is her passion. She is apparently not thinking at all about her upcoming chemotherapy two days later. Very inspiring! Our thoughts affect our emotions which affect our physical health. What an amazing woman!

I Pray to God for the Strength to Endure

Friday November 1, 1991

I slept 10-1/2 hours last night. Make up time, I guess. I'm dragging all day. It takes me all day to pay the bills.

My incision is suddenly healed, but Frank insists it needs a couple more days of peroxide.

Dr. Bix calls. Chemo will be next Monday. There will be intravenous drugs once a week and some by mouth, 4 daily. Also a pill for 5 days and then wait 6 weeks. I may have hair loss, mouth sores, diarrhea, cramps, nausea and weight gain. I refuse to accept any side effects. I pray to God for the strength to endure and the power to resist any side effects. I am anxious to get started.

Laura is so excited when I tell her we are renting the house to them. We will meet tomorrow to sign the lease.

Wow, the "treatment" for cancer seems almost barbaric. Most of us try to recover from nausea, cramps and diarrhea, not try to induce it. A few days after this entry, I find out I am pregnant with Derek and am about to have these symptoms myself, 9 months of horrible nausea and vomiting that lasts 24 hours/day.

Where's the Trick-Or-Treaters?

Thursday October 31, 1991

Frank lets me sleep in a bit. I'm up in time to call credit check on Laura's application and be ready to go shopping when Kathy Murphy arrives. Frank is going to lunch in the valley with someone he used to work with. Kathy and I are off to Country Rainbow to buy her some square dance clothes. We have a great time. Everything looks good on Kathy. She buys 3 outfits. We have lunch at Jesse Cates. It's really good.

Back home about 4 p.m. I am tired. Laying down awhile really helps.

We call Dolores & Steve to say we can't make it for their Open House party in San Diego this Saturday, but would love to come another weekend. They'll let us know when.

Only 10 kids come for trick-or-treat.

Dolores is Frank's daughter in San Diego. She is a teacher there and her husband Steve is an architect. Housing prices are very expensive where they live, but they finally saved enough to buy a very modest home to raise a family.

10 kids for Halloween? In our neighborhood we always run out of candy no matter how much we buy. We have hundreds of kids, including many who come from other neighborhoods. Our neighborhood is safe and well-lit with houses close together so the kids can quickly fill their pillowcases with candy. It is also a neighborhood that goes all out with decorations on the houses, both for Halloween and for Christmas. On July 3 every year several streets into the neighborhood are closed off after 5:00 because the streets are jammed with cars around the park in the center of our subdivision. Many of the streets have neighborhood barbecues and block parties and everyone gathers in the park or their front yard to see the fireworks display from the high school next door. It's a great place to raise a family.

A Tenant for Lemona House

Wednesday, October 30, 1991

We have another lovely day. I am excited about seeing Laura again. I remember her about 12 years of age. She's 32 now. Laura arrives on time at Lemona with her boyfriend Terry, son Josh and baby Megan. They are lovely. We like them right away and they love the house. Laura's stepbrother Mike still lives in the house down the street. They want the house and fill out an application.

We join our friends for dinner in 1000 Oaks for Japanese food. It's great fun.

I toss and turn all night worrying that Laura and Terry cannot really afford the house.

That is the problem with doing business with friends: it can ruin the friendship when things go badly. Mom is already having doubts about renting to a friend who may not be able to afford the house. Interesting that Laura's stepbrother still lives in the house 4 doors down 20 years later. I think I read in California most people move every 5-7 years.

Is This God's Divine Intervention?

Tuesday, October 29, 1991

We decide to rent Lemona to two Hispanic couples with one baby. They are young and very nice. Their credit is OK. We are negotiating when they will move in. They must move on November 20. We are telling everyone who calls "the house is rented".

My incision hole is suddenly much smaller. My incision still feels like it is pulling and is uncomfortable late in the day. Lying down relieves it.

We had a great lunch at a new BBQ place called Mavericks. We are trying to eat no sugar this week. Not an easy task!

In the evening the phone rings and when Franks says it is rented I say "Take their number!" He hands me the phone and it turns out to be Laura Persons, Gary and Maria's friend. Laura grew up 4 doors down on Lemona. Maria knows her from work. Laura works downtown. We decide to show her the house tomorrow night. Is this God's divine intervention?

Wow, after all those months with the house sitting empty, Mom and Frank must have been desperate to rent it. What was it that made mom say "take their number"? Was God tapping her on the shoulder? What are the chances that someone would call on their ad who lived in our neighborhood back in the 60s? Laura and her brother Tom were good friends with my brother Gary. Can't wait to see if this works out! Remember, I am reading this for the first time too.

The Doctor Doesn't Quite Know How to Treat My Cancer

Monday October 28, 1991

Dr. Bix called today. She admits she's been avoiding me. Why? Because she doesn't quite know how to treat my cancer. According to my CAT and blood test CA125 I have no cancer but Dr. Bienstock saw it. So she has no way to monitor my progress. She assumes the remaining cancers are resistant to the drugs she gave me for 6 months so she must choose another and there are so many to choose from. She is talking to other doctors and reading many articles and reports from around the world to help her make a decision. I thank her for taking time to make the best decision.

I assume Dr. Beinstock will do a laparoscopy in a few months to look for cancer. There is no other way to know. I will pray for a new test to be perfected soon that can detect ovarian cancer.

I'm feeling pretty frisky and go to watch my friends square dance tonight. I really enjoy that.

Sadly, 20 years later there is still no screening test for ovarian cancer. The CA125 blood test monitors progress in patients who already have ovarian cancer, but it has no use for healthy patients to detect early cancers, as a mammogram does for breast cancer. Even when mom's cancer was seen visually during her hysterectomy, the CA125 test falsely showed she was cancer-free. According to the website for the Cleveland Clinic, there are typically no symptoms of early ovarian cancer. In advanced stages the symptoms of are:

1. Swollen abdomen/bloating (caused by build up of fluid produced by the tumors) (mom had this)
2. Lower abdominal and leg pain
3. Sudden weight loss or gain
4. Change in bowel or bladder function
5. Nausea/indigestion
6. Swelling in the legs

The cause of this cancer is unknown but these are the known risk factors:

1. Early menopause
2. Family history of ovarian cancer
3. No pregnancies

Women who have had children or been on birth control pills are less likely to develop ovarian cancer. Since I have had 3 children and took the pill right up to menopause at the age of 51, I am hoping my risk is reduced. When I had my gallbladder removed in 2008 I had the surgeon take a look with the laparoscope and my ovaries looked fine. He even took a photo.

Prayers

Sunday October 27, 1991

I slept 10 hours very soundly. Up and ready for another day at Lemona. Interesting groups looking at the house. We decide we will pick someone from the applications we have.

I'm feeling pretty good. I lay down on the floor for a half hour to rest the pull on my incision. Other than that I'm operating pretty normal.

I prayed alot this morning, asking God to heal my incision hole and my incision in general. I also asked God to send us someone we could feel comfy with renting to today. And of course I asked him to dissolve my cancers and heal me.

Most of us pray for our health and our families health and happiness. Those are God's departments, mostly out of our control. I am touched though that mom asked God to bring them a good tenant. Mom and Frank had 4 rental houses; Ric and I have 9, so I can really relate to her rental woes. Sometimes I think being a landlord is "my job" not God's, but the truth is God is in charge of everything. I often pray for my tenants finances so they can pay their rent, and for God to bring us a good tenant when a house is vacant. I'm glad to know mom did too.

Gary's Birthday

Saturday October 26, 1991

Gary's Birthday.

Tried to call Gary but I guess they went camping. I hope it's not raining there like it is here.

We spend 12-5 at Lemona Open House. Some interested, but not what we're looking for. I guess we'll decide from what we do have next week. We are very tired of spending our weekends at Lemona. It rains all day. We go by Gary's on the way home. No one there.

In Simi we go to dinner at the Sizzler and eat alot. The diet must start Monday. We pick up a movie "King Ralph". At home I am whipped. I last til 9 and cannot stay awake.

My incision feels strained all the time. It feels weak and my hole is not getting smaller, or so it seems. I still don't know when chemo will start.

Yikes, still trying to rent the Lemona house! It has been empty for months and months. They are losing so much money with it sitting vacant, as well as their time spent showing it. Time to pick a tenant. It was a good neighborhood with many young families when we moved in in 1954 (I was 1), but 40 years later, the neighborhood is older and less desirable, and I would imagine less owner-occupied homes. My brother Gary is 35 years old this day. The photo above was taken June 21, 2011 at Justin's wedding, almost 20 years later.