I Can't Believe I Said That

Friday November 13, 1992

Awake feeling fine again. Not much to do today so spend much of the day reading "I Can't Believe I Said That" by Kathy Lee Gifford.

Maria calls about 5:30 to invite us for dinner. Dinner won't be ready til 7:30 so Maria puts the lasagna in the oven and I take her to the craft fair at St. Rosa Church. Frank keeps Gary company.

We return at 7:05 but dinner isn't ready til 8. Frank makes cheese bread. We stay and visit til 9:30. I'm tired. I take a laxative as I feel quite full.

I remember how Mom always had Regis & Kathy Lee on the TV weekday mornings. They were talk show hosts who were fun and entertaining. Regis & Kathy Lee aired from 1988-2000. In November 2000 Kathy Lee was replaced by Kelly Ripa, and in November 2011 Regis Philbin retired from the show at the age of 80. In September 2012 Michael Strahan replaced Regis Philbin and the morning talk show continues to this day.

Good idea to take a laxative to make it easier on her bowels to digest with the pressure of the tumors.

Italian Feast

Thursday November 12, 1992

I feel much better today. I have alot of energy. We go grocery shopping for a couple of hours of coupon shopping. I'm surprisingly not tired. We rush home to get the spaghetti and cheese bread ready to take to the potluck tonight at Shirley & Jim Turner's house. There are 6 couples. We have a great Italian feast and share vacation pictures. It's a great evening and I feel fine but am very tired when we get home about 11 p.m.

It certainly didn't take Mom long to recover from her surgery. It appears she was trying to spend as much time with her friends and family as she possibly could while she was still able. This evening sounds like so much fun!

Recovering

Wednesday November 11, 1992

Slept pretty well considering. The pain in my chest is better. After we do the saline flush the connection is leaking. I panic. Frank is in Newbury Park. When he returns we attach a new tube and the leaking stops. I still have no energy but have my hair and makeup on by noon.

Oh for heaven's sake, Mom. You are recovering from surgery. Do you really need to fix your hair and put on makeup to lie in bed?

Another Chest Surgery

Tuesday November 10, 1992

Up at 6:15. Didn't sleep well. Take my last great shower without my pump and tubing in my chest. We arrive at Dr. Semrad's in Hollywood at 8:50. The doctor checks my throat first and finds no more infection. It's about 11 a.m. before he finally begins my surgery. Another doctor tries to find a vein in my wrist unsuccessfully. He hurts me alot.

This time the surgery in my chest hurts alot, not like the first time. I'm glad when it's over. We get the medication and hook it up and head home.

We stop in Simi for lunch. At home I'm groggy and sleepy and spend the day and evening on the couch.

My chest hurts. Not like the first time. Lots of phone calls to see how I'm doing. Frank does all the talking.

I have had that experience with getting an IV, which is painful enough on the first attempt. But when the nurse, or in this case the doctor, can't find the vein and keeps stabbing and stabbing, that is excruciating. The worse is an IV in the top of the hand. So once Mom gets through that ordeal, she had to deal with the pain of the surgery in her chest where a tubs is inserted into the blood vessel. It just brings tears to my eyes.

A Phone Call From My Niece Lynne

Monday November 9, 1992

Up at 7:30 feeling better than yesterday but not great. I push myself and at 10:45 I have my nails done. Carri Lynn has cancelled all her other appointments for today. Her carpal tunnel syndrome wrist is really hurting.

I buy a hot dog and bring it home to eat. The dog tastes rotten so I throw it away after 2 bites. I try to read the paper but fall asleep. Frank comes home from the valley. We go to the Newbury Park house to repair gates. We stop at the market. I feel terrible--sick. When we get home I have an almost normal B.M. Wonderful! Maybe my bowels are not so crushed by my tumors after all.

We relax and rest all evening. I get a wonderful phone call from Lynne.

There are 28 feet of intestine in the average body, 21 for the small intestine and 7 for the large intestine. Introduce several tumors into the abdomen, and no wonder the intestines will be pinched in many places.

My cousin Lynne, who lives in Seattle, is the youngest child of my Aunt Cathy and Uncle Gene (Mom's brother). Lynne and Mom were very close just as I am close to her mother since Mom passed away. I'm glad Lynne got to have a nice visit on the phone with Mom. She stood up at Mom's funeral to read a letter she had written to Mom too. It was very touching.

Dolores Is Pregnant

Sunday November 8, 1992

I sleep very well but wake up tired. I feel exhausted and can't get going 'til 1 p.m. I read some old newspapers and write a letter to Shirley after I call Mom and Chris. Frank keeps very busy as usual.

Dolores called last night to say she is 5-1/2 weeks pregnant. After 2 miscarriages we are as thrilled as she is. She has morning sickness all day, but doesn't mind. The baby is due in July. I will continue to pray for her.

I seem to have a lot of small pains in my abdomen. It hurts to bend over or stretch.

Frank fixes dinner. That's nice.

Dolores is Frank's youngest child and has been married 6 years at this point. Her daughter Robin was born the following July, but Mom would never get to meet her.

And I Have Lots of Friends Who Care About Me

Saturday November 7, 1992

I feel pretty good again this morning. I pick up Maria at 10 a.m. We go to the craft fair at the Senior Center. We go to a few other fairs and stores, then to lunch at Eggs & Things. It's 3 p.m. when I finally take her home. We had a really good time together, alot of fun.

I go home to lay down and rest a couple of hours. I prepare some cheese bread and we go to Jeannie & Duane's for a potluck lasagna dinner with Harvey & Linda & Myra & Dave. We have great fun, lots of laughs and a good dinner. Found everyone has their problems. I really wouldn't want any of theirs. I have a good life full of lots of love and plenty of everything I could want, lots of friends who really care about me.

It's a late night for me. We get home at 12:30. I'm exhausted.

Mom was very blessed to have so many friends who truly did care about her. Many of her friends went way back to her elementary school days. Unfortunately, Frank threw away Mom's photo albums that I am quite sure had hundred of photos of her friends and activities during their marriage, so I don't have photos of Harvey & Linda, Myra & Dave, or Jeannie & Duane, but I do know that their friendship went back many years. I do have plenty of photos of Donna and Bob, like the one above taken at Lake Almanor in 1989. Donna was her best friend and we spent many vacations with them over the years.

It seems like Mom is finally beginning to become resigned to her own death. In spite of the fact that her problem is terminal illness, she still would not want to trade that for anyone else's problems. She appreciates all the friends and family she has loved over her lifetime, and is reflecting on how good her life has been instead of being sad or angry that it is ending.

Mom always loved to shop and I remember as a little girl she would drag me from store to store shopping for clothes. I hated it, and I still do not enjoy shopping. Fortunately, I am married to a man who loves to shop, so he does the grocery shopping, and I buy clothes maybe once per year. Maria loves to shop too, and makes a big production about getting up early on Black Friday the day after Thanksgiving to hit lots of stores. I'm glad Mom had Maria to go shopping with.

I Have The Best Kids In The World

Friday November 6, 1992

We're up at 7:45. My tenant will be here at 10 a.m. to pay the rent and I'm going to lunch with Karen today. Karen picks me up at 11:40 and we go to the new Hamburger Hamlet where we have Chinese Chicken Salad and stay 3 hours. We have a really good visit and share our life stories. She had a girl that ran away constantly from age 14 and a son who got 68 speeding tickets on his motorcycle and was jailed more than once. Her husband left her for a younger woman when the children were 11 and 12. Sounded like her life was a nightmare. It really made me appreciate my life and especially my children. I think I have THE BEST KIDS IN THE WORLD. I love them so very much. And I've had a wonderful life.

I sailed through this day feeling pretty good but pooped out about 6 p.m.

Every generation has had its issues, of course, but it seems like drugs, alcohol, and violence are becoming more and more common with each generation. I feel completely blessed that my boys have avoided these kinds of problems. Certainly having both parents in the home helps. My parents divorced when my brother Gary (pictured above on the far left) was 16 and I was 19. I don't think they were particularly well-suited for each other, but they stayed together for the sake of the kids until we were close to adulthood. Even still I felt abandoned by my father when he moved out. For this woman Karen to have her husband leave her when her children were 11 and 12 must have been devastating, and probably was very hard on the children. They sure did act out inappropriately. Mom may have thought she had the best kids in the world, but Gary and I know we had the best mother in the world. How I miss her! I'm glad she believed she had a wonderful life, even though it was cut short.

Living Trust

Thursday November 5, 1992

A new pain and a hard knot near my belly button, a tumor? Later in the day the pain is gone but the knot remains. I think I feel a little better today.

Frank calls from the senior center to say he can get free tickets for the Moorpark Melodrama tonight. I hope I'll feel good enough to go.

I go to the dentist to have my teeth cleaned. Later Frank and I go to get some papers notarized. My will and papers are all in order now.

We have an early dinner and go to the melodrama. It's good fun. My bowels are angry; I spend a lot of time in the bathroom.

We stop for dessert on the way home.

Nothing like having a terminal illness to spur anyone to have their will or living trust drawn up! Ric and I have been talking about it for 20 years, but still have not had our living trust drawn up. I suppose most of us think that if we don't talk about dying, it won't happen.

Glad Mom got to have a fun night out, although it sounds like she missed alot of the play. What a strange feeling that must have been to feel the tumors growing in her belly. Suddenly her cancer is becoming very real.

I Have No Energy Left

Wednesday November 4, 1992

Didn't sleep well last night. Frank got up about 8, but I didn't rise until 9 a.m. After breakfast I returned to bed for another 1/2 hour. I'm finally up and dressed for the day about noon. I do the laundry and change the linens.

I do paperwork most of the day. I'm trying to save myself for round dancing tonight. I realize I'm too tired to go dancing. I have no energy left. I spend the rest of the evening on the couch.

At least the funny photo of this exhausted little girl helped lighten my mood!

Inoperable Tumors

Tuesday November 3, 1992

I awake at 6:28, turn off the alarm which has not gone off for 6:30 and get up, shower and get ready for Dr. Semrad. I'm ready for the inconvenience of the pump. I have shaved and washed my hair.

The traffic is terrible; we arrive at 9:10. The nurse takes me into the room about 9:25. Dr. Semrad asks how I feel. I say better but still have some throat and chest discomfort. He is concerned; looks in my throat and finds redness, swollen tonsils and puss pockets. I have no fever. He says it may be a virus. He cannot put the catheter in as it would probably get infected too. I must take an antibiotic and come back next Tuesday for my implant. I am very disappointed. I feel I'm running out of time. I feel my cancer is really growing. It is affecting my bowels now. Dr. Semrad delivers a terrible blow when he says they will have to do a colostomy if it gets too bad. I say no, you can operate! He says no, they cannot operate to remove my tumors because there are so many, not just large ones. I am stunned. I always assumed they could always go in and remove the large tumors when they became a problem. I felt like he gave me a death sentence. I wanted to cry.

If I don't get on the pump soon it will be too late. It will take some time for it to begin to work on my cancer and shrink my tumors. Every day I feel more pressure and pains . Lately, I have so little energy. I can't do much at all.

After the doctor we return to Simi. We vote, have lunch at IHOP and rent 2 movies for tonight. We go out to dinner and go to Newbury Park to meet new tenants. They don't show. Frank calls them and a police officer answers to say they are conducting a narcotics investigation. X those tenants.

This post makes me want to cry too. Mom has not had chemotherapy for almost 6 months at this point, so it's no wonder the cancer is spreading. At first she was enjoying her life like nothing was wrong, but now the spreading cancer is depleting her energy, robbing her of the activities she enjoys, including eating, and causing her abdominal pain and digestive problems. Having a colonoscopy bag would be out-of-the question for Mom who was very vain about her appearance.

I am finding it harder and harder to check in on Mom's journal, which I used to do on an almost daily basis. When her journal entries are news of pain, sadness and discouragement, it makes me feel sad too.

Update March 12, 2013 In today's New York Times the following article appeared, which specifically addresses the issue of removing all the small abdominal tumors:

"Flaws in Ovarian Cancer Care"

Study finds nonspecialists treat most women.

Most women with ovarian cancer receive inadequate care and miss out on treatments that could add a year or more to their lives, a new study has found. The results highlight what many experts say is a neglected problem: widespread, persistent flaws in the care of women with this disease, which kills 15,000 a year in the United States. About 22,000 new cases are diagnosed annually, most of them discovered at an advanced stage and needing aggressive treatment. Worldwide, there are about 200,000 new cases a year.

Cancer specialists around the country say the main reason for the poor care is that most women are treated by doctors and hospitals that see few cases of the disease and lack expertise in the complex surgery and chemotherapy that can prolong life.....What works best is meticulous, extensive surgery and aggressive chemotherapy. Ovarian cancer spreads inside the abdomen, and studies have shown that survival improved if women have surgery called debulking to remove all visible traces of the disease.

Are We Lazy Or What?

Monday November 2, 1992

Awake at 7:30 but Frank is sleeping well until 8:15. He got up a few times during the night to quiet the dogs. It seems like they barked all night. We get up at 9 a.m. Are we getting lazy or what?

I would love to go square dancing tonight, but I just don't have the energy. I spend most of the day paying bills. Doris comes to visit from next door. She brings me flowers. How sweet!

I cannot remember Mom being sick one single day when I was growing up, even though I had plenty of sick days. I always thought it was strange, like Moms don't get sick? Now that I am a Mom myself I realize that Moms do indeed get sick, but my Mom considered it "lazy" to stay in bed whether sick or tired or injured, so every morning, no matter how rough her night or how crummy she felt she would force herself to get up, shower, curl her hair and coat it with hair spray, and put on make-up before she would begin her day.

Too Much Halloween Candy

Sunday November 1, 1992

Didn't sleep from 12-2 a.m. Too much caffeine in all the chocolate candy I ate last night. Difficult morning. Tired, lots of sweating and rapid heartbeats. It was 1 p.m. by the time I was dressed.

Frank went to the rental house in Newbury Park from 9-3:30. I went to the grocery store and had lunch at Del Taco. I ate a sausage from the market deli and by 3:30 I had a stomach ache and didn't feel well.

At 4:00 we go to visit Frank's folks. We wait until 6:30 to eat because I don't feel well. I eat well, but get terrible pains in my stomach. I'm nauseous by the time we leave at 8:30.

We gave Frank's mom the earrings we bought her in Florence, Italy. She was thrilled.

What a rough night! I can't eat chocolate at night either because it gives me heartburn and keeps me up. The sugar and caffeine are probably causing her rapid heartbeat.