Saturday, December 28, 2013

I Disconnect Myself from the Chemo Pump

Sunday February 7, 1993

Slept well until 6 a.m. After that I just rested. At 7:15 I woke Frank and we made love. It had been too long. Up at 8:15. I have orange juice. I have no appetite. Later I force some toast down.

I watch Reverend Schuller and feel somewhat better and optimistic. but I go upstairs to shower and feel so bad afterward that I fall back into bed my heart beating so hard. I try to sleep but only have terrible depressing thoughts of my funeral and what I'm wearing and how I look. I think of the hereafter but it is not pleasant.

Frank comes up. We cry. He deserves so much more than this. I decide to disconnect myself from the pump, my chemo. He agrees. I start feeling better very soon within the hours. I'm dressed, curled, hair, eye makeup and downstairs. Later I'm hungry. I eat at 4. I feel much better all evening.

So it's the chemo is what's making her feel awful, not the cancer. Look how much better she feels so quickly! I don't blame her for wanting to go off the chemo, but this is a very important decision. She is choosing death. Why is the hereafter not pleasant for her to think of I wonder? Is it just because she is so depressed, she can't focus on the glory of Heaven that awaits her? It was her strong faith at the end of her life that inspired me to turn back to Jesus, who promises eternal life if we believe in him. If I am dying, I would be calling my Christian friends to surround me and encourage me with their prayers, and to read God's promises from the Bible about eternal life.

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