Thursday, December 19, 2013

I Just Exist

Friday February 5, 1993

Up at 8 but awake since 6. I have breakfast and go back to bed to watch Regis and Cathy Lee. At 10 I get up and find I'm totally exhausted. I manage to shower but am too exhausted to put on my makeup and curl my hair. I am dressed and on the couch until 4:30. I feel a little better, and come downstairs to watch more TV. That's all I do lately. I have no interest or energy to do anything anymore. I just exist. Frank does everything. He seems driven to do it all. I'm depressed. I'm ready to be done with all this.

I don't know why, since Mom's been gone for 20 years, but I feel the need to argue with her right here! First of all, you don't need to spend an hour every morning fixing your hair and putting on make-up! You don't have to look beautiful at all times! Give yourself some slack. Second, that's not all you do is watch TV. In fact you just got back from a camping trip with 12 couples! I understand that being exhausted and in pain is depressing, but when you say you are ready to be done with all this, do you mean the cancer or life? Third, why didn't you talk to me about how you were feeling? I looked forward to tomorrow's entry and it says "I try to sound up for her" when I called Mom. Why is she hiding her feelings? I wish I would have been there more for her. I endured a horrible 9 month pregnancy with constant nausea and vomiting 24/7 beginning 6 months after Mom was diagnosed, and then I was busy raising a newborn baby. Maybe if I had known how she was feeling, I could have come down with the baby to stay with her. I am so thankful that Frank is driven to take care of everything so that Mom doesn't feel any pressure.

The photo above was taken right around this time when Derek was 6 months old and Justin was 11.

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