Weak & Tired Today

Saturday November 23, 1991

Didn't sleep much until the last 3-4 hours but awake at 7:15. Not feeling as bad as yesterday but not feeling very good. I lay in bed til 9 a.m. I manage some oatmeal and back to bed. I feel very weak and tired today, but my gas, diarrhea, nausea and indigestion have passed. My stomach just feels weak. I eat carefully and little all day.

Showering tires me back to bed for 10 minutes. then up and dressing tires me back to bed again. will I ever make it downstairs? I do, finally, at 12:30.

I do not take my kemo medicine today. I eat 1/2 banana for lunch and little more for dinner.

My First Walk In Months

Thursday November 14, 1991

We are up and out for a 20-minute walk. My first in months. My hips hurt and later it turns into a backache. It will take awhile to get back into better shape. My weight gain doesn't help. Lugging 42 extra pounds around is hard on my body, my knees, hips, and feet.

Dr. Bix said I would gain weight on the kemo but I think she's wrong. I don't feel any more hungry than on the last kemo. In fact, I think I'm less hungry and each day I plan to start eating right and each day my good intentions go down the drain. Do I think I should enjoy eating whatever I want cause my days are numbered? Maybe.

This post speaks to my heart! I don't know if it's because my mom was always dieting when I was growing up, or a genetic predisposition, but I too start each day with good intentions, but by the evening they are down the drain. I continually snack after dinner, even if I have eaten healthy all day long, thereby undoing all my good behavior. I am carrying around 75 extra pounds. I have pain in my back, hips, feet (plantar faciitis) and lately even my knees.

Her last statement makes me sad. She knows that eating healthy increases her chance of beating the cancer, but she is wondering if it is all in vain anyway because she is dying.

Second New Kemo

Tuesday November 12, 1991

Up at 7 a.m. to go out to breakfast early at Eggs & Things. By 11 a.m. we are at Kaiser for my second kemo with the new drug. All goes well except I have my blood drawn and immediately go to the restroom. For a second I let my arm down and blood shoots everywhere, all over my bare thighs, panties and arm. It takes awhile to clean up. The nurse trying to find a vein to give my drugs into kids me saying "Dolores, you left your veins at home!" I laugh. They always have a hard time finding a vein and getting a needle into it.

Afterward, we go out to lunch (about 2 pm) and do some shopping. It's good to get home to rest.

We'll eat light tonight.

Oh my God! How awful! Why is blood shooting everywhere? Is it because she has been stabbed so many times in the vein that it has become slack? What a scary experience.

I have the same problem with the nurses not being able to find my veins, whether it's for a blood draw or an IV. However, I don't laugh when they stab me over and over trying to find a vein. It hurts! Especially when they move the needle around after it's penetrated the skin. I can remember times when it took 3 different nurses taking a stab at me until they finally found a vein.

First New Kemo

Monday November 4, 1991

Up early fixing a great breakfast for Jen and Ron. They leave about 8 a.m. By the time we leave for Kaiser about 11:30 I'm feeling nauseated and tired. Maybe the greasy breakfast? We stop for a yogurt. It makes me feel better.

I am nervous about my new kemo. Fear of the unknown. We arrive at 12:45 and leave about 3 p.m. First the blood tests, then the kemo drug is given in the vein with a syringe. It takes about 10 minutes. She gives me a pill to swallow first to ward off nausea. My old kemo took an hour or more. I have to wait an hour to see Dr. Bix.

I feel fine the rest of the day except I'm tired. We dress and go square dancing but I can't stay. I go home to bed. Kathy brings Frank home.

Wow, do you think that was a bit overly optimistic to plan to go square dancing the same day she was given toxic chemicals in the vein? There is a fine line between being the eternal optimist and allowing for down time.