Dolores Is Pregnant

Sunday November 8, 1992

I sleep very well but wake up tired. I feel exhausted and can't get going 'til 1 p.m. I read some old newspapers and write a letter to Shirley after I call Mom and Chris. Frank keeps very busy as usual.

Dolores called last night to say she is 5-1/2 weeks pregnant. After 2 miscarriages we are as thrilled as she is. She has morning sickness all day, but doesn't mind. The baby is due in July. I will continue to pray for her.

I seem to have a lot of small pains in my abdomen. It hurts to bend over or stretch.

Frank fixes dinner. That's nice.

Dolores is Frank's youngest child and has been married 6 years at this point. Her daughter Robin was born the following July, but Mom would never get to meet her.

Chris is Pregnant

Thursday November 7, 1991

Another poor night makes another slow morning. A ginseng helps. By 11 a.m. we are off and running for a day of errands. We do alot of banking, stop at Lemona, where I leave a note and bottle of sparkling cider to welcome our new tenants. I hope they stay for years and years, happily.

We stop to visit Gary and Maria. Then on to Sears to check out washers and dryers for mother.

We get home about 9 p.m. Chris calls. She worried because we're out so late. She tells me she just found out today she's pregnant. Baby should be born in July. I have alot of concern but I don't tell her. Her 38 age and overweight plus her general health concern me. I only tell her how happy I am and I am. Hope it's a healthy girl!

After another sleepless night, Mom is running around all day and into the late hours of the evening. No wonder I was worried. Yes, that baby (Derek) was indeed born on July 14, 1992, one day after his due date, and after 36 hours of labor and a C-section. Mom was right to be concerned. The pregnancy was difficult. The nausea began that very day, but didn't last just during the morning. It lasted 24 hours/day for 9 months, to the point where I could not work or even get out of bed, the longest 9 months of my life. A granddaughter was not to be. Mom and I were so close that even though I was already 38 years old and had one son, I longed to have a daughter to have the same kind of close relationship Mom and I shared. I tried 3 times, and gave birth to 3 boys. By the time Ryan was born I was 42 years old, too old to try again. When he graduates from high school in 2 years, I will be 60. Most of his friends have grandparents my age. It's not easy to raise teenagers at this age!

The Odd Couple

Monday July 15, 1991

We're on our way home about 9 a.m. after breakfast out. I'm feeling great. It's a long drive home but we are there at 5:30 p.m. It's good to be home.

Chris and Ric seemed less at odds this time. Maybe Chris is just accepting more. She must accept him the way he is if she plans to marry Ric. He's not a neat person. Things seem to be falling apart and he isn't bothered. Chris has always been so neat and clean. Much needs fixing and finishing. He has too much stuff. But he is a kind and accomodating person. We are getting used to him and he to us.

They want to have a baby and I am very concerned about Chris having a child at her age. She is 38 now. I've always worried about her health alot.

Wow, I could write a book after reading this journal entry! Where to start? To say Ric is not a neat person is a huge understatement, and I'm trying to be as kind as I can here, but Ric reminds me of Walter Matthau in the photo above and I am like Jack Lemmon in The Odd Couple. He spends hours every day in front of the TV and around his recliner are dirty dishes, dirty clothes, newspapers, old mail, and all kinds of miscellaneous junk. I do pick up the dishes, clothes and newspapers everyday but the miscellaneous junk accumulates. Two area of our home are off-limits to me and therefore look like a hurricane went through recently. Those areas are Ric's bedroom upstairs which he straightens up once a year, and his garage, which will never be straightened up. You can barely walk through the garage, as it is piled floor to ceiling and wall-to-wall with his accumulation of stuff. A car will never ever see the inside of our garage. Mom, if you think he had alot of stuff one year into the relationship, you should see it now 21 years into it! I would say he suffers from hoarders disease, as he loves to accumulate stuff (craigslist, EBay, and garage sale acquisitions) but never lets go of anything. With the garage full, he had to overflow into our backyard, which currently has 6 jet skis and 5 ATVs, none of which actually run, and are in various stages of disintegration and disrepair. But they were all great deals! I think hoarding must be kind of like a gambling addiction, because very little of the stuff is actually necessary, it's all about getting a "deal". Besides the garage and the backyard accumulations, we pay rent for 3 storage units in Healdsburg, all of which are stuffed to overflowing as well. Bins and bins of baby toys he bought for our boys 18 years ago are stored there because he can't let go of them. So Mom, as you can probably tell by my ranting, I am bothered by it. I like things neat, orderly and simple, and living in chaos is frustrating and exhausting, as well as expensive. Thank goodness Ric rarely buys anything new, but mostly used, so for that I am thankful.

As for the fixing and finishing, that has not changed too much, although I have to say he is better about fixing things when they break, but he's still quite a procrastinator about finishing what he starts. This creates tension not only in our home, but with our tenants.

I never knew that mom was so concerned about my health. Yes, we did have a baby (Derek) when I was 39, and that pregnancy was absolutely one of the worse experiences of my life. I was so nauseous 24/7 I could not get out of bed for 9 months and had to take off work. Just opening the refrigerator door made me puke. Being pregnant with Justin at the age of 27 was a piece of cake in comparison. I had a little nausea in the mornings for the first trimester and after that I felt great. By the time I was pregnant with Ryan I was 41 and he was born a few weeks after my 42nd birthday. That pregnancy was easier because I took B6 injections every morning which helped with the nausea.

The Envelope Please

Friday April 12, 1991

I slept well after finally managing to drink that gallon of awful stuff which will cleanse my bowel in case they have to remove some of it today in surgery. They will do a laperostomy and a biopsy, then draw an envelope. Inside will be the decision to remove the cancer or wait six months and have chemotherapy first. I would much rather have chemo first.

Last night I talked to my mother, my daughter and my son and other family members who love me. They are all praying for me. That means so very very much to me.

God and I talked alot and I felt Jesus was right there with me. I am very much at peace with my cancer. I'm not worried or sad. I feel challenged to a fight and I'm going to do my best to win.

My stomach looks like I'm going to have a baby as I'm wheeled into surgery.

Mom told us right up front that her chances of surviving Stage III ovarian cancer were very small. She felt like being part of the study meant that her journey would mean something for future women receiving this diagnosis. I recently went to a seminar at Kaiser Permanente as well as consulting with my gynecologist. Unfortunately, screening for ovarian cancer has not improved since mom was diagnosed in 1991. She had abdominal pain for 2 years and every time she went to the doctor about her pain she was told it was probably indigestion and to try taking Maalox. Finally, her belly swelled so much she looked like she was 6 month's pregnant. She went to the emergency room and told the doctor there she was not leaving until they found out what was wrong with her.

I am so happy that mom felt Jesus was right there with her and she was at peace with her cancer. I remember the day I got that phone call and I was definitely NOT at peace. I cried for 3 days. I was already grieving for her.