The Marvel House

Thursday June 4, 1992

I'm feeling fine except for the occasional pains in my lower abdomen where the 2 new tumors are. I've decided to wait until Sunday night to start my new chemo pills. I don't want to risk feeling ill until Monday. Hopefully, the medicine won't make me sick.

I spend the day shopping for a dress to wear tomorrow to Gary's wedding. I end up at the big lady shop. I hate the look of these clothes on me. They all look the same, not flattering at all. I finally buy one for Frank's consideration.

I check on Frank at the Marvel house. The carpets are cleaned today. The new drapes will be hung tomorrow and the new kitchen floor Frank's laying and the house will look lovely.

I only saw the Marvel house once when Mom took me to the rental house while I was down in Simi Valley visiting her and Frank. It was 25 years ago and my memory is not so good, but I think it looked like the one pictured above. Once again Frank is working hard on a rental house every spare moment. Ric and I are in the same situation right now after evicting our tenant who lived in the house on Wellington where Ric and I lived when Mom and Frank visited in May 1992. This was our residence for 9 years so it has lots of good memories of our boys growing up there. We finally got the house back from our tenant a few weeks ago after our third attempt to evict him in the courts. He owed 14 months rent, over $28,000! It breaks my heart to see the house in such a state of decline. The yard is overgrown, weeds are everywhere. The upstairs toilet overflowed after being plugged up and our tenants never bothered to call us or to have it fixed. The upstairs shower leaked through the ceiling into the family room below and the sheetrock is moldy. Shortly after Ric and I bought the house in May 1992, we bought a spa and gazebo for the backyard, and about the time that Mom is writing this entry in her journal, I am spending the last month of my pregnancy in this spa. It felt so good to take the pressure off my huge belly and the cool water (we kept it at 96 degrees) felt good when it was so hot outside in June and July 1992. 20 years later the gazebo has fallen down and lies on the ground in broken pieces. The spa is full of black rainwater that has accumulated over the years and no one bothered to empty it. The mosquitos must be horrendous in the summer! Getting this house ready for a new tenant seems like an overwhelming proposition, but we have spent every spare moment there for 3 weeks slowly chipping away at the mess. Being a landlord is not fun at all; it is alot of work and alot of frustration.

As for shopping in the big lady shop, I can relate. For many years I had to shop in the Women's Department. Everything made me look as big as a house. Several years ago I lost 40 pounds and was finally able to shop in the Misses Department, just barely (size 18), but at least the clothes are attractive. Still I don't like the way I look in those dressing room mirrors so I haven't been shopping for clothes in years. I'm still waiting to lose another 50 pounds.

Surviving Cancer

Wednesday June 4, 1992

We're on our way to Kaiser on Sunset in Hollywood by 9:30 for a 10:45 a.m. appointment. I'm hoping to see the oncologist I saw in November 1991 about using the pump/drip on me. I strike it rich and all 3 oncologists confer in the exam room with Frank and I. Two examine my pelvis area and concur there is a 3x3 mass on the right and a smaller mass on the left. Dr. Simrad says he could put me on the pump now because I do have measurable cancer. He's had some success with it. He says ovarian cancer keeps coming back and the goal is to keep me alive 1-5 years. I'm OK with that but of course hope there will be a new cure before it's too late for me. This is a devil cancer. It keeps dividing and resists treatment.

We see Dr. Schwartz in the afternoon and tell him where we've been. We have all decided to try the pills he offers first. If that fails then the pump.

As shown on the American Cancer Society's chart above, in 2009 ovarian cancer represents 3% of cancers in women, but 5% of deaths from cancer. It is a deadly cancer because it's symptoms are vague and there is no diagnostic testing to catch it in it's early stages. On the other hand breast cancer respresents 27% of cancers in women and only 15% of cancer deaths. I had my annual mammogram last week and then received a phone call yesterday that they needed another image of my left breast. What does that mean? Did they see something suspicious on the mammogram? My appointment is tomorrow morning, 25 days before my 59th birthday. Mom died 25 days before her 59th birthday.

Lunch With Joan Larson

Tuesday June 3, 1992

I'm taking Joan Larson to lunch today. I'm really looking forward to it but I'm so tired in the morning I can't get started. I wonder how she's feeling and will she cancel. Once I'm dressed and ready I feel alot more energetic.

Joan is ready and waiting. We tell Hal goodbye and head for Bakers' Square for lunch. We try to keep it light but our conversation keeps drifting back to issues that affect us both. When you think (or know) your days are numbered there are many things to ponder and things to get in order, arrangements to be made. We talk about our husbands marrying again and agree we want them to.

We go shopping at Costco. It's fun. We agree we had a lovely day. Joan has about a year to live. I'm not so sure about me, but probably somewhat longer.

Ever since Mom's doctor visit a few weeks ago with Dr. Schwartz, it seems her whole attitude has changed from one of optimistic to one of resignation. One person's words, especially if that person is the doctor, can speak life or death to a patient. Proverbs 12:18 says "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing". Dr. Schwartz was reckless when he dismissed her as a lost cause. If he was a wise doctor he could have encouraged her and even brought healing. So now she is talking about her death, about her funeral, about her husband remarrying, all in the last few weeks. Joan did indeed live about a year from this date, but she outlived Mom who had 11 months to live at this point.

Praying Together

Monday June 2, 1992

I am up and busy early--laundry, trim plants on patio. Frank helps me with a perm. I have much planned for today, a busy schedule.

Sally, Frank's ex-wife, calls at 11:30. She wants to come at 12:30 to visit. I hesitate, but quickly realize her visit is much more important than the plans I had. She arrives at 1 p.m. and leaves at 4 p.m. We have a really great visit. We pray together, twice. She has a bite of lunch with Frank and I about 2 p.m. He only came home to eat 1/2 hour. Sally says she comes here for a lift because I'm so positive. As soon as she leaves my Gledhill tenants arrive with the rent. They stay 45 minutes.

We go square dancing--graduation night. We have a great dinner there!

Mom is so generous with her time, putting aside her own plans in order to encourage a friend, and not just any friend, but Frank's ex-wife. Mom was like that, always trying to be positive and encouraging to others even though she was the one battling a deadly disease. This is the first time I have heard her mention praying with someone. Up until now it seems like her faith and her prayer life was very private. I'm glad she had the experience of praying out loud with a friend, something I do on a regular basis with my Christian friends. Matthew 18:20 says "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." I'm sure Mom felt God's presence this day.

A Lovely Day with Gary & Maria

Sunday June 1, 1992

I'm slow this morning. Frank comes home from Marvel house at 2:30 and we go to Gary's for the afternoon to swim and later hve dinner. It's another lovely day in the 80s. We have a really nice time with them. We talk about their wedding to come next Friday June 5. It will be at 2:30 in L.A. courthouse. We're home about 8:30.

After waiting 10 years to propose, they aren't wasting any time planning the wedding! I'm glad Mom had a relaxing day. I am feeling a tinge of guilt and regret that Mom is spending so much time with my brother, and I live so far away that I missed out on that in her final years. It was a good decision to move to Santa Rosa in 1974, but I do regret not being able to spend more time with Mom. Phone calls were just not the same.

My Surprise Party

Saturday May 30, 1992

My Surprise Party

Up early in the kitchen making jello salad to take to the potluck at Shirley and Jim's tonight. I feel real good today. We arrive at Shirley's at 4 p.m. as requested. As we step in the door everyone yells surprise. I look at Frank, surprise who? "Happy Birthday" they yell, Me? No! My day was last Tuesday. I can't believe it! Luckily they are all standing in a half circle so I'm able to go around it hugging and kissing all my old and new friends and Gary and Maria (29 in all). I'm honored and thrilled! I can't believe they would all come for me! And Turners have spent alot of money on decorations and cake all decorated and tri-tip roast on the BBQ. It's a lovely evening I shall always remember.

Gene and Cathy arrive late. We 6 relax and talk with Turners. We leave at 9:00 and head for Gary's. Gene and Cathy want to see his new house. He and Maria are up but nearly asleep. We have a nice visit.

I don't remember ever having a birthday party as an adult and only one as a child. It rained my 12th birthday party away. We had planned to all go to Pops Willow Lake for a swim party. No rain this time. A glorious day--warm--not hot. All my old Valley friends were there, Myra, Jeanne, Linda and spouses, Carol, my friend from second grade on. Many square dance friends and our neighbors Doris and Helen. I love them all.

It brought tears to my eyes to know that her friends loved her so much that they planned this huge party to celebrate what would be her last birthday on earth. She was genuinely touched. To have had only one other birthday party in all her 58 years seems sad. Maybe that's why she made sure my brother and I had birthday parties every year until we were 10 or so. I remember Mom talking about Pops Willow Lake so I looked it up. It was a boating and swimming resort with a dance hall and cafe along Big Tujunga Wash, upstream from today's Hansen Dam. The lake was opened in 1931 by James A. (Pop) Gautier. It washed away in the 1938 flood that devastated the San Fernando Valley but was rebuilt in time for a young Marilyn Monroe (then Norma Jeane Baker of Van Nuys High School) to spend wartime dates there with her first husband, Jim Dougherty.

Two Weddings

Friday May 29, 1992

Off to get my nails done at 11 a.m. I'm not so tired as yesterday. I bank and get the car washed and gassed and treat myself to a chili dog and ice cream later. At home I call Chris for a list of what she has for baby. She wants to get married at L.A. City Hall when they are here for her shower June 13. I agree that's much better than Las Vegas. Gary and Maria said last night they are getting married at city hall next Friday June 5.

Frank is at the doctor about his sore in his nose he's had for 2 months plus. I'm worried!

Frank's son Paul and his wife Judy were hosting a baby shower for me on Saturday June 13 at their home in Palmdale, so it made sense to have the wedding while we down in Southern California so that our family could be there. We brought Ric's mother and Justin down with us for the shower and the wedding. But getting married at L.A. City Hall was not a good choice. The place was depressing and the "officiate" acted bored as she read from her script. We had to wait in a crowded room for hours for our name to be called. My first wedding was a beautiful church wedding followed by a reception with live band and buffet dinner. This time I was just too sick with the pregnancy to plan anything special, but any place besides L.A. City Hall would have been better.

Taxol

Thursday May 28, 1992

I have a nagging feeling that Frank should go with me today to see Dr. Schwartz. He doesn't offer and I hate to ask. He has SO much to do at the rental house. Dr. Schwartz has bad news. My CAT scan from 2 weeks ago shows 2 new tumors in my lower abdomen. One is on my bowel and one is a lymph node. Both are the size of a quarter. This means my current chemo medicine is not doing the job. He would love to put me on Taxol right now but it is in such short supply he can't get it. Taxol is brand new and really works well about 30% of the time. He has one more drug to try and then I should try to get Taxol at UCLA.

Frank, Gary, Maria and boys and I go out to pizza for dinner. They take the bad news real well.

Mom's intuition was right on. She knew the news was going to be bad because of the nagging pains she had been feeling in her abdomen. As I blog Mom's journal entries, every once in awhile I come across an "if only" entry, and today is one of those days. "If only" Mom had been able to get Taxol started at this time, she might have beaten the cancer. Taxol was discovered in a U.S. National Cancer Institute program at the Research Triangle Institute in 1967 when it was isolated from the bark of the Pacific yew tree, which grows in the Pacific Northwest. When it was developed commercially by Bristol-Myers Squibb (BMS) the generic name was changed to paclitaxel. It is used to treat patients with lung, ovarian and breast cancer. From 1967 to 1993, almost all paclitaxel produced was derived from bark from the Pacific yew, the harvesting of which kills the tree in the process, so there were ecological concerns to harvesting the bark and therefore a very limited supply of the drug. By the end of 1995 paclitaxel was produced semisynthetically and the yew tree was safe from harvesting. At this time the drug became much easier to get. Unfortunately, this was too late for Mom.

Heading Home

Wednesday, May 27, 1992

Heading Home.

We've been gone a week. Time to head home. We're on our way around 9 a.m. We have a pleasant drive home. We take turns napping and of course I get more than my share. It's so good to get home. The dogs and cat are so happy to see us as usual. We have 13 phone messages and a ton of mail.

I have felt so good this past week except for my nagging feeling that those 2 little pains in my lower abdomen are something to worry about. Good to sleep in our own big bed!

As much as I enjoy travelling, one of the best parts is coming home! There is nothing like sleeping in my own familiar bed. The worst parts though are the pile of mail, the bills to pay, and the laundry to do.

My Birthday #58

Tuesday May 26, 1992

My Birthday #58

Up at Donna & Bob's and ready to go by 9 a.m. but Bob is turning the rotors on our brakes so we leave for Tahoe about 10:30 a.m. When we get to Tahoe, we have a buffet breakfast. It's real good. Of course, we pig out. We wander through several casinos making a total contribution of $24 in 2 hours. We are back at Donna & Bob's about 6 p.m. Jennifer, Leah, & Ron come to dinner. After dinner comes the party hats, noise makers, ice cream, cookies, and gifts. What fun!

Leah has grown quite tall for 11 years. Jennifer looks great. Hard work agrees with her. I'm still feeling great! Thank you Lord!

Donna & Bob live in Pollock Pines, about an hour's drive east of Sacramento, and midway between Sacramento and Lake Tahoe. I'm so glad Mom got to celebrate her birthday (her third time!) with her best friend Donna. Donna's granddaughter Leah was born just a week after Justin, on May 24, so the birthday celebration was undoubtedly for both Mom and Leah. Leah's mom Jennifer is a few years younger than I am, Donna's youngest of 3 children.

This birthday was to be Mom's last, so I'm glad she had a big celebration! I am 58 right now and because of that, I am acutely aware of how Mom died way too young. My 59th birthday is just a few weeks away, on April 9. When I reach that milestone I will have outlived my mother. In many ways, I feel like my life is just beginning, and I pray that God blesses me with many more years than my beautiful mother had. Mom did enjoy 12 years getting to know her only grandchild, my son Justin, but she never got to know my other two boys or Gary's twin sons, a sad loss for all of them.

A Visit With Cousin Shirley

Monday May 25, 1992

We are checked out and heading for Shirley's about 10 a.m. We drop Carol and Ed off at Cal Expo for the last day of Dixie Jazz in Sacramento. Shirley is not quite ready for company when we arrive. She has most of her makeup on but needs to do her hair. But she shows us around the house anyway. It's wonderful. She changed a dreary dark house to peach and white. She is so happy. I'm very happy for her.

I'm tired today. Frank and I take a 15-minute nap about 2 p.m. Shirley and I talk about my ovarian cancer. We think our grandmother Stillinger had ovarian cancer which puts Shirley at risk too. I told her what to watch for.

We visited til 5 p.m., left, had a good Mexican dinner out and arrived at Donna and bob's about 7:30.

It sounds like cousin Shirley is still staying sober, and even redecorated her dark smoky house. I remember visiting her with Mom and Frank when I was nursing Justin. He was 3-4 months old and as I nursed him Shirley and her mother Ila (pictured above with Shirley's son Mark and his family) smoked like chimneys a few feet away. I thought that was incredibly rude, even if it was their house. If the smoke made me sick, what was it doing to my newborn while he was trying to eat his lunch?

Sadly, Shirley's sobriety did not last for long. Her son Mark brought her to Mom's funeral a year later and she was drunk the whole time, even when we went to breakfast the day after the service. She died the following year, not from cancer but from the alcoholism that consumed her most of her life.

The Gospel Hour

Sunday May 24, 1992

I am really looking forward to the Gospel Hour of Dixieland Jazz at 10 a.m. There is a big crowd. We're early and get a seat up front. The first song makes me cry "We're Only Here For a Little While". It's a lovely song. I'd like that played at my funeral. There are several songs they sing I'd like at my funeral. One is "What a Wonderful World". I believe it truly is. One song we all stand, hold hands and sing "Down By The Riverside". I'm holding Frank and a Japanese man. It makes me weep I'm so moved. I buy 2 gospel tapes. Frank loves the gospel music too, thank goodness. We spend the rest of the day at seveal locations with Carol and Ed, listening to wonderful Dixieland Jazz.

Thank you Lord for another wonderful, energetic, pain-free day!

Were those gospel tapes played at her funeral the following year? I was so grief-stricken the only song I can remember was my favorite Amazing Grace. I'm so glad that Mom was touched by God at the Gospel Hour, and I'm glad Frank went with her. I feel so close to God when I attend church every weekend, but sadly my husband does not share my faith and I go by myself or with friends, but rarely with Ric.

Old Town Sacramento

Saturday May 23, 1992

A good day, physically. I didn't even get tired, but why should I? We sat all day in air conditioned rooms at the Sacramento Inn listening to jazz. Great fun!

we go to dinner at 6:30 with Carol, Ed, Rick, & Berkley. We have Chinese. It's really excellent and so much! Afterward we take the shuttle and the buses to Old Town. It's so crowded but cool by the river. We stand in line a long time for a show only to get turned away because it's full. We finally find a tent that has a few chairs left. Not very good seats, but Igor and his group come on next and we love their show.

Back at Cal Expo later, 11 p.m. there's a long line for our shuttle so we take a taxi for $4 (my idea). A great idea!

So that's the down side of the jazz festival: long waits in line, no seats or poor seats. Hey, at least it was cooler in the evening. Maybe that's why everyone waited until the evening to visit the tents for their entertainment.

Sacramento Jazz Jubilee

Friday May 22, 1992

We are up at 7 a.m. We have a continental breakfast in our hotel lobby. Carol arrives with a friend, Ed, about 9:30. We all take the shuttle to Old Sacramento for the 11:30 parade of jazz bands. After the parade we have lunch in a quaint Italian restaurant.

We all go to a couple of tent jazz shows but it is so hot, 95 degrees today. Finally, we give up and head to Holiday Inn for a nice air conditioned jazz show. By 5 p.m. we're back at our hotel to rest awhile. At 6 p.m. we go to Tony Roma's for ribs and onion rings. Wonderful! In the cool of the evening, about 80 degrees, we go to Cal Expo for a few tent shows. We're home at 11 p.m. to see Johnny Carson's last show, forever. Sad.

Mom's good friend Carol was the one who introduced Mom and Frank to jazz festivals and square dancing. She was single for many years, but ended up married to Frank several years after Mom passed away.

Old Sacramento is a restored historical gold rush community on the Sacramento River. It is very charming and a great place to hold a parade. Parking is limited though, so it's a good thing there was a shuttle bus from their hotel. The Jazz Jubilee is held every Memorial Day weekend, and already the weather is very hot there. Sacramento and the rest of the central valley of California doesn't get the cooling marine influence that we get in Sonoma County, so even at night it only cools down to 80 degrees, and during the day it is often over 100. Cal Expo is also the site of the California State Fair over Labor Day weekend in September. We only attended once, and it was incredibly hot and miserable. Just like Mom and Frank, I could only take the crowds and the heat for a few hours.

Johnny Carson was a late-night talk show host and comedian on "The Tonight Show" from 1962-1992. He passed away at the age of 79 in 2005.

Off To Sacramento

Thursday May 21, 1992

We're awake at 6 a.m. and up about 7, dressed, we spend an hour with Justin before he leaves for school. He's so sweet. He hugged and kissed me good night twice last night before he finally went to bed. I felt really good all evening thanks to all those good naps. We visit and relax most of the day. Ric's friend is there all afternoon. He's a limo driver. Ric works in the yard all day.

Chris and I go pick up Justin from school and take the pup to the vet. When we return at 4 p.m. Frank and I say "Goodbye" and we're off to Sacramento. It's a nice 2-hour drive except for some traffic.

We check into the Expo Inn, a suite, lovely, with kitchenette. We have a great Japanese dinner 1/2 block away. We take a walk afterward. I had another really good day! Felt fine!

Ric and I had just made the move a few days before this from my condo in Santa Rosa into our brand new house on Wellington Circle in Windsor. The front yard was landscaped by the builder, but the huge back yard on 1/3 acre lot required a tremendous amount of work to even get it ready to landscape. It was on a slope going down towards the back fence on a pie shaped lot, with the widest part of the pie at the back of the property. There was plenty of room alongside the garage to build a driveway down the side of the property all the way to the back fence. Ric built 2 retaining walls to make 3 terraces out of the slope. Behind the back fence was open space with rolling hills and valley oaks.

The limo driver Mom spoke of is Ric's friend Scott, who Ric has known since elementary school. When I first met Ric, all 3 of us would go skiing at Lake Tahoe together. Scott only stops by to visit once or twice per year when the customers he is driving in his limo are wine-tasting or playing golf in the area.

How Do We Get to The Golden Gate Bridge?

Wednesday May 20, 1992

Up at 5:30 to leave at 7 a.m. for Chris' in Windsor, CA. We stop in Simi at Eggs & Things for a great breakfast and we're on our way. I try to read but end up taking a 2-hour nap. I wake up somewhere on Highway 5. We stop. Frank gets a yogurt and I drive for a couple of hours. He manages to take a short nap. I make a potty stop and we have a taco at Taco Bell. Frank drives and I sleep another hour. When I wake I need a potty stop. We are crossing the Bay Bridge into San Francisco, but we turn off toward Fisherman's Wharf where we find a restaurant. We go in, use their bathroom, and ask for directions how to get to the Golden Gate Bridge.

We arrive at Chris' at 4 p.m. We tour the house and yard. It's great celebrating Justin's birthday with cake and presents and my birthday present and a late one for Chris from Gary.

After coming into the Bay area from Interstate 5 Frank made the very common error of taking the Bay Bridge into San Francisco, instead of turning north on Hwy 580 in Oakland towards Richmond and the Richmond-San Rafael Bridge which would have brought him to Highway 101 leading directly to Windsor in Sonoma County. Once arriving in San Francisco, the freeway dumps traffic onto surface streets in the congested downtown area. At that point, it is a circuitous route on surface streets for miles to get to the Golden Gate Bridge. Not fun when exhausted from a long day of driving! How many times have we been lost in a big city trying to figure out where we are with the use of a paper map? Nowadays each of our vehicles has a GPS on the windshield. We simply type in the address where we want to go, and a calm voice directs us where to turn, giving us 2 miles advance warning in order to maneuver into position on the freeway. What a wonderful tool that has saved countless arguments between drivers and passengers!

Justin's birthday is on May 17 and Mom's is on May 26, so by arriving on the 20th, we were able to celebrate both birthdays at once.

I've Become a Better and Better Mother

Tuesday May 19, 1992

I messed up my clock when I set it last night so I got up at 6 a.m. instead of 7 so by the time I get to Kaiser for chemo I'm sleepy at 10:30, sitting around reading in the waiting room. My platelets are 11,500 so it's OK to get my chemo drug. I am finished by 11:30 so I hurry home to have lunch with Frank. Frank is on the roof of the Marvel house when I arrive. He's helping the roofer. He finally comes home for lunch about 1:30.

The roofer finally finishes about 6:30 so we pick up Gary and Maria and the boys about 7 p.m. to go to dinner at the Elephant Bar. We have a great time. Afterward we go back to their house and I open birthday presents from them. I love the sentimental card from Gary. I love thinking Chris and Gary really do love me and think I'm a good mother. I think I've become a better and better mother in recent years.

Mom loved to receive sentimental cards and she was touched by Gary's card. I can't speak for Gary, but only for myself, when I say I loved her very much and miss her terribly. She was my mother and my best friend all in one. She was always very involved in our lives while we were living at home, but also after we were grown and moved out. She had to be careful not to cross the line into meddling, while still being very involved.