Off The Pump

Wednesday February 24, 1993

Slept pretty well in spite of having a lot of pain in my shoulder and in my abdomen and left thigh. I turned off the pump for an hour and it seemed to help. I'm up at 7 to get ready to go to the doctor. I get a terrible stomach ache from my cereal. I don't feel well at all.

Dr. Semrad thinks I need 4 weeks vacation from the pump. I couldn't agree more. He disconnects me. It's great to leave the pump there. We stop for a taco. It's 12:30. We go to Woodland Hills to make a CT appointment for March 10. At home I relax and sleep off and on all day. My shoulder hurts a lot.

My stepmother died of cancer a few years ago. Her first symptom was shoulder pain. When I mentioned this to a nurse acquaintance, she said shoulder pain is often the first sign of cancer. How awful for Mom to be in such pain and to live in pain pills which upset her stomach. So glad she got to go off the "poison pump."

For those of you who follow my blog, I know it has been quite a while since my blog was published. Part of this is lack of time, but also it is emotionally painful for me to see Mom suffer, something she hid well from me when she was going through it. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a few months ago and has been through 4 months of chemotherapy. Her surgery is scheduled for May 20 to take a look to see if the cancer is gone, but from the imaging that has been done so far it appears that the chemo is working very well. Apparently, treatment using "genetic targeting" is becoming more common. The genetic makeup of the tumors is mapped and the chemo is customized to attack those particular cells. Carmen is 81 years old but in very good health. She was a nurse for many years and she knew it was important to pay attention to her symptoms. When she noticed some abdominal pain she called her doctor right away and they took good care of her with diagnostic tests and early treatment. Her cancer was caught early.

Cryosurgery

Tuesday February 23, 1993

I try to sleep after Frank gets up at 7:30 for his class. I rest only until 9:30. I get up at 10. Eat breakfast. I feel OK. It takes me all morning to get ready. I'm finally dressed and downstairs about 2 p.m. I sit around all day. At 6:30 we eat dinner. I eat real well. I have an artichoke and a game hen.

I have diarrhea all day about every 20 minutes. Not a real good day.

Joan called today. She remembered the doctor at St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica I told her about a few months ago. He uses cryo freezing on colon liver cancer. She called and has an appointment next Tuesday. He sounded hopeful. She sounds excited. Please God!

According to the website for the National Cancer Institute, "Cryosurgery is a technique for freezing and killing abnormal cells. Cryosurgery may have fewer side effects than other types of treatments, and is less expensive and requires shorter recovery. Cryosurgery (also called cryotherapy) is the use of extreme cold produced by liquid nitrogen (or argon gas) to destroy abnormal tissue. Cryosurgery is used to treat external tumors, such as those on the skin. For external tumors, liquid nitrogen is applied directly to the cancer cells with a cotton swab or spraying device.

Cryosurgery is also used to treat tumors inside the body (internal tumors and tumors in the bone). For internal tumors, liquid nitrogen or argon gas is circulated through a hollow instrument called a cryoprobe, which is placed in contact with the tumor. The doctor uses ultrasound or MRI to guide the cryoprobe and monitor the freezing of the cells, thus limiting damage to nearby healthy tissue.

Good Day. Sleepless Night.

Monday, February 22, 1993

Up and feeling great. I feel good all day. I do the wash and we go to lunch at Millie's. I have a BBQ ham sandwich. Later, I give Frank a perm.

We're still full from lunch when dinnertime arrives, so we go to the square dance without eating. I enjoy the dance. I feel real good. We get home at 9:45 and I eat some rice and a tangerine. Bedtime 11:15. I'm wide awake and real full. I can't sleep. I take Unisom--no luck. I go down and read at 3 a.m. I fall asleep about 5 a.m.

A good day.

Wow, a sleepless night doesn't sound like a good day to me. I've been taking Tylenol PM every night and I sleep like a baby. I never tried Unisom.

Joan Larson

Sunday February 21, 1993

I took pain pills every 4 hours all night. I don't feel too well when I get up at 9. I eat some yogurt. I go back to bed about 11 for awhile. I call Joan Larson. She has bad news. She now has 5 tumors and has decided to accept her death in about a year. Her other options were surgery to cut off blood supply to the tumors or AZT. Both had terrible side effects. We talk a long time. I understand. She's worried about Hal. He seems to be mentally slipping.

I'm finally up and dressed by 2:30. John March calls me from Arizona. We talk a long time. I read awhile and take a nap.

At dinner I feel awful. I turn off the pump. Later I eat more of last night's egg fu yung.

Joan Larson was our neighbor across the street from the Lemona Avenue house where I grew up in Mission Hills. She died of colon cancer a few months after Mom passed away. After Mom's death she phoned me to tell me how much she appreciated Mom's support and understanding as they battled their cancer together. I didn't know that AZT was ever used to treat cancer so I did a little research on Wikipedia. Today it is used for treatment of AIDS, with little mention of it being a cancer drug. According to Wikipedia, "AZT is the first U.S. government-approved treatment for HIV, marketed under the brand name Retrovir. AZT was the first breakthrough in AIDS therapy, significantly reducing the replication of the virus in patients and leading to clinical and immunologic improvements...Early long-term higher-dose therapy with AZT was initially associated with side effects that sometimes limited therapy, including anemia, neutropenia, hepatotoxicity, cardiomyopathy, and myopathy. All of these conditions were generally found to be reversible upon reduction of AZT dosages."

Junior & Joe

Saturday February 20, 1993

Up at 9 feeling fine until after I eat some cereal and orange juice. My stomach is upset and I just feel weak and tired until 11:30. I'm finally downstairs and ready at 1:45. I have some soup and crackers. We drive to Mission Hills to see how Gary and Maria are doing. We bring Joe and Junior home with us. We drive through Brown's Canyon and stop for ice cream.

The boys watch a basketball game. I read. Gary and Maria pick up the boys about 5:00. I feel pretty good--not great. At dinnertime I send Frank to buy egg foo yung and pork fried rice. I eat a little of it. I'm on pain pills for my shoulder every 4 hours.

My nephews Junior and Joe, pictured above with Mom and my son Justin, were involved in sports from the time they were very young. Both played baseball and basketball throughout school and Junior (now called Gabe) played on the basketball team at CSUM where my son Derek now attends college in Vallejo, California. They are both huge Raiders fans and basketball fans.

Chills

Friday February 19, 1993

We sleep in and make love, getting up about 9 a.m. I eat breakfast and go back to bed to let it digest. I feel worse and worse and finally get up at 12:00. I eat a turkey sandwich at 1:30. It sits well. I read and watch TV all afternoon.

It's dinner time and I feel yucky as usual. About 9 I'm struck with the chills. I hurry into bed. Frank covers me with lots of blankets and turns the electric blanket on 6. I shake for 40 minutes or so. Later Frank brings me a yogurt and later a scrambled egg and toast. I'm on pain pills for my neck and shoulder.

It's been several months since I have posted to my blog, partly because we were out-of-state this summer, but also because these last few months of her life are harder and harder to read in her journal. I'm glad she and Frank got to make love this day, but can't help wondering if this will be the last time.

Happy Mothers Day

Thursday February 18, 1993

Frank goes to his carving class at 8:30. I go back to bed at 8:45 to watch Regis and Kathy Lee. It's a real effort to climb the stairs. finally at 11 I take my shower. I suddenly feel terrible and go back to bed. I feel sick and weak. Frank brings me some orange juice, a banana and some yogurt. I turn off the pump and begin to feel better. It's 3:00 by the time I'm downstairs. At 3:45 we go to see a movie "Cemetery Club". It's a rainy day.

Later about 8 p.m. we go to Hudson's Grill. I order chicken fried steak. I eat most of it but really don't enjoy it. I feel yucky all evening.

It's no wonder Mom is feeling awful after pumping toxic chemicals into her body for months. The fact that turning on the pump helped her feel better immediately is telling. I wonder if she could turn it off during the day, and just pump the chemicals while she is sleeping?

As I write this entry it is Mother's Day 2014. I posted this photo on Facebook today and got so many responses I decided to post the photo on my blog as well. This photo was taken in 1974 on my graduation day from college (California State University Northridge). I love this picture, and apparently many others do as well. Mother's Day is always difficult to celebrate for me since Mom passed away. She passed away a few days before Mother's Day in 1993. That was the hardest one. I know one day I will see her in heaven and that gives me comfort. I do wonder if she is looking down on me from heaven sometimes, and I hope she is still proud of me. I know she still loves me, even beyond the grave. So Mom, on this Mother's Day I thank you for being the wonderful mother you always were on this earth, for all the sacrifices you made, for all the wisdom you imparted, for teaching me about faith in God, and for being a great example of a Godly woman. You encouraged me and inspired me and gave me the desire to be more like you in so many ways. I miss you and I love you.

I Love Her

Wednesday February 17, 1993

Up at 7. Have been awake since 4:30. I don't feel well when I don't get my sleep. We're ready to leave for doctor at 8:30. Dr. Semrad examines me and says he thinks all the tumors are gone except the one we can feel. He thinks we should leave the pump on as long as I'm tolerating it OK. I had a pretty good week so we go another week. Now he says when we finish with this chemo he wants to try other medication in the pump before we try Taxol. We are somewhat encouraged.

At home I spend the afternoon and evening sitting in the chair, napping off and on. I can't eat dinner but snack later. Frank talks to Cathy Thomas and his mom. Chris calls me. I love her so much and love talking to her.

I hear you, Mom, when I don't get a good night's sleep, I am a mess the next day. As I write this, we just changed from Pacific Standard Time to Daylight Savings Time, and even though it is a difference of just one hour, I have felt jet-lagged all week, and haven't slept well at all.

I love you too Mom, and always looked forward to the weekend when we visited by phone for 2-3 hours. We did have good talks, but how I wish I could have been there in person to hug you and see your face.

Cinnamon Rolls

Tuesday February 16, 1993

Awake from 6. I get up at 8. I start the laundry and lay around. I don't feel any energy at all. I continue to do the wash. By 1 p.m. I'm finally bathed, dressed and made up. Frank comes home from the valley. He's been laying cement at Marty's house. He brings me 1/2 his lunch, a turkey sandwich. He leaves for Newbury Park house to install smoke alarms. I go to the bank.

Rochelle called to see how I'm doing. She calls often.

I couldn't eat dinner but did manage to snack later. Penny Nay comes over at 7 p.m. she has made us some cinnamon rolls and wants us to eat them while they're hot. I'm unable to eat one new but Frank enjoys them.

I don't know who Penny Nay is, but I assume she was a neighbor since the cinnamon rolls were still hot. I do know who Rochelle is however. She is my Dad's sister-in-law, wife of his oldest brother Clyde. Even though my parents had been divorced for many years and had both remarried, Mom made a point of staying in touch with Dad's side of the family. In fact, when we would go down to visit her, she would take my brother and I and all our kids to visit Grandma Alda (Dad's mom) in an assisted living home. Grandma suffered from dementia so she didn't know who we were, but she enjoyed the company. She lived well into he 90s and outlived Mom, just as Grandma Helen (Mom's mom) did.

The Marklein House

Monday February 15, 1993

Up at 7:30 feeling good. I go to get my nails done at 10:45. Frank and Gary left about 10 to go to Marklein house to put in a wall. I have a turkey sandwich for lunch. I read all afternoon. I don't feel too well at dine. I don't feel hungry but eat a little anyway.

We go to the square dance class. I watch as usual and visit with friends. We come home at 10 to watch TV until 11:15. A pretty good day.

I remember the Marklein house, pictured above, where Gary and Maria lived until they bought the house in Simi Valley in 1992. One of the bedrooms was opened up by a prior owner to make a den off the living room. I suppose Gary was turning it back into a bedroom to put it up for sale as a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house.

Box Canyon

Sunday February 14, 1993 Valentine's Day

Awake, a good day, at 7:30. Up at 8:00. I wake Frank at 8:30 after my shower. I watch Dr. Schuller until 9. I get ready to go to brunch with Gary and Maria at 10:30. We go to El Torito. It's a great brunch. I eat pretty good. Everyone else eats very good.

After brunch we all go for a drive through Box Canyon and the estates in Chatsworth. We get home about 1 p.m. and walk to next street to Penny's open house. Gary and Maria leave to go hiking.

I read newspapers all day. At 6:00 I begin dinner. I make a meatloaf. I enjoy dinner at 7. I have felt good all day.

What a wonderful day Mom had this day, her last Valentine's Day. I remember hiking in Chatsworth Park as a girl, but had never heard of Box Canyon. From the photos I found on-line it looks like it is just south of Chatsworth and very similar landscape to Chatsworth Park. Even though Southern California is quite congested and metropolitan, it is nice to know there are still some hidden gems.

Oak Desk Chair

Saturday February 13, 1993

I slept well again. Awake at 7:00. I feel good. I have cereal, OJ and 1/2 grapefruit. Gary, boys and Frank leave about 10:30 for Marklein to fix the roof. I bake a cake for dinner. Then I call Maria and arrange to pick her up at 1:30. When I pick her up she wants to go to the Oak Store to buy Gary a chair for his desk for Valentine's Day tomorrow. We find a great chair.

I'm tired after 1-1/2 hours so rest when I get home. Frank returns at 4:00. We start the tri tip steak and baked potatoes. Maria will bring the salad. The boys stay with us while Gary and Maria go to a concert. A pretty good day for me. I even ate dinner.

I don't know what Gary's chair looked like, but the photo above looks just like the oak chair I had at my desk for years. So glad Mom had a good day and could spend some quality time with her grandsons.

Marklein is the rental house that Mom sold to Gary a few years earlier. He lived there until purchasing the house in Simi Valley.

We Make Love

Thursday February 11, 1993

Slept wonderfully last night from 11:10 to 7:15 even though I had slept most of the evening in the chair downstairs. I couldn't stay awake from 8-9:30. I hope I've broken the habit of waking up at 5 a.m.

I make pancakes and sausages for Frank and afterward we make love. We really enjoy.

At 9:30 Frank leaves for the valley to see Robfie and go to Marty's to check out his driveway. Then Robbie and Frank went to lunch with old co-workers.

I am slow and tire easily but am ready at 1 p.m. I eat a chicken sandwich from Carl's Jr. Frank is home at 2:30. We go to the movies at 3:30.

Gary and Maria and boys come over at 7:30 to visit. We offer to have the boys stay Saturday night while Maria and Gary go to a concert in Ventura. I felt pretty good today.

Wow, I wonder what accounted for the rapid change in her mood and energy? From her post yesterday it sounds like she is back on the chemotherapy pump. I suppose it can be attributed to getting a good night's sleep. Frank must have been thrilled to see Mom up early, making him a big breakfast and still having the energy for sex. Very thoughtful of Mom to take advantage of the little bits of time that she has energy and feels good! I wonder what movie they saw. She usually mentions the name, so whatever it was, I guess she was not impressed.

I am so glad that Gary and Maria lived just a few miles away and that they came by to visit. I have no doubt that lifted her spirits. My brother and his wife are so thoughtful. Just two weeks ago they had my 81 year old father come visit their family for Christmas and then drove 5 hours to take him back home.

One More Week On The Pump

Wednesday February 10, 1993

Awake again at 5 a.m. Terrible to lay there for hours. I get up at 7 to get ready for doctor. It has been so nice not carrying the pump.

Dr. Semrad is not there today. I'm very disappointed. Dr. Latino agrees that Dr. Semrad should make the decision with me about the pump. I decide to connect it for 1 more week. I don't have an appetite for lunch but eat a little later. I'm so sleepy I sit in the chair all afternoon sleeping off and on. I don't feel so depressed today.

It's amazing how quickly she recovered when the poison was disconnected and how quickly she suffers from exhaustion and loss of appetite when it is hooked up again. No wonder she's disappointed that her doctor isn't working today. Wondering if Dr. Latino is really his name, or if she just made that up?

Valentine Cards

Tuesday February 9, 1993

Awake at 5. I took a Unisom and Tylenol but no more deep sleep. Frank left for carving class at 8:15 when I got up. I started the laundry and ate a little breakfast. I am feeling anxious, worried and depressed. I can't shake it. I feel almost paralyzed by it. Finally, I take one of Frank's Xanax for anxiety. It helps but I still feel depressed all day. After lunch we go to see the movie Aladdin, hoping that will help. It helps a little.

We stop to buy Valentines, $35 worth for all our family. Is this my last Valentine's Day? will God answer my constant prayer for healing? Maybe I'll feel better after I see Dr. Semrad tomorrow.

I have no appetite for dinner.

I take Xanax when I have insomnia as it helps me to relax, but I don't think it would help with depression at all. I thought buying Valentine cards would lift her spirits, but again, she is wondering if this will be another "last", which it is. I still have that Valentine card from 1993, as well as several other cards Mom sent me while battling cancer those last 2 years. I'm so glad I kept them. The card pictured above is the one she bought for me this day.

Millie Tiemeyer

Monday February 8, 1993

I sleep very well until 6. I awake feeling so much better. I suggest we get up and go for the early bird breakfast at Eggs & Things. We do. I eat all my french toast breakfast. At 9:30 we drive to Newbury Park to check out the new roof on the Maynard house. It's pouring rain. Once home about 11 I'm tired and lay down to rest awhile. I'm not hungry for lunch but feel good.

Millie Tiemeyer calls to say Don had a heart attack and died Christmas Eve. He was 65. We have a good long talk. She's pretty upset about Don and then I tell her about my cancer. Her mom and dad both died in the last 2 years also. Only Greg is married now.

We have a good pot roast dinner and go to square dance class.

Millie was another one of Mom's lifelong childhood friends. The above photo is taken from Mom's 1952 yearbook from San Fernando High School. Millie's maiden name was Oyler. Millie and Don's oldest daughter Teri was my best childhood friend and the matron-of-honor at my wedding in 1975. We took 2 road trips together during the summer of 1970 and 1971, the first one for a week, the second for 3 weeks. I have lost touch with both Teri and Millie. My stepdad Frank and his new wife Carol visited Millie last year in the same house in Thousand Oaks where I spent many summer visits. I heard that Millie and Teri were visiting Don's grave in Westlake Village in 1993 and came upon Mom's gravesite nearby. What a shock that must have been. I'm glad Mom had a nice long visit with Millie this day.

I Disconnect Myself from the Chemo Pump

Sunday February 7, 1993

Slept well until 6 a.m. After that I just rested. At 7:15 I woke Frank and we made love. It had been too long. Up at 8:15. I have orange juice. I have no appetite. Later I force some toast down.

I watch Reverend Schuller and feel somewhat better and optimistic. but I go upstairs to shower and feel so bad afterward that I fall back into bed my heart beating so hard. I try to sleep but only have terrible depressing thoughts of my funeral and what I'm wearing and how I look. I think of the hereafter but it is not pleasant.

Frank comes up. We cry. He deserves so much more than this. I decide to disconnect myself from the pump, my chemo. He agrees. I start feeling better very soon within the hours. I'm dressed, curled, hair, eye makeup and downstairs. Later I'm hungry. I eat at 4. I feel much better all evening.

So it's the chemo is what's making her feel awful, not the cancer. Look how much better she feels so quickly! I don't blame her for wanting to go off the chemo, but this is a very important decision. She is choosing death. Why is the hereafter not pleasant for her to think of I wonder? Is it just because she is so depressed, she can't focus on the glory of Heaven that awaits her? It was her strong faith at the end of her life that inspired me to turn back to Jesus, who promises eternal life if we believe in him. If I am dying, I would be calling my Christian friends to surround me and encourage me with their prayers, and to read God's promises from the Bible about eternal life.

Worry

Saturday February 6, 1992

Another rotten night and sick and depressing day. I'm too weak and ill to eat. I have no appetite. I only shower--no makeup, no hair curling. My arm still hurts and the Tylenol every 4 hours helps a lot. I'm so depressed. I feel like I'd prefer to die.

Chris calls. I try to sound up for her. I love talking to her but today I feel so much worry for her. She's going back to work February 27. It's not going to be pleasant or healthy for her. It will be a lot of stress and also worry about Derek at home with Ric. She's not strong. I'm also worried about Dolores and the baby. She has a problem with her uterus. Judy has a problem adjusting to 2 children. I'm dressed and downstairs in the evening.

I had no idea Mom felt so rotten at this point in her life. Look at her second paragraph. She says "I try to sound up for her." Why couldn't you be real with me, Mom? Why keep me in the dark? You were always strong and wise when I needed advice or help. Why didn't you allow me to be an encouragement to you? Yes, I had a lot going on in my life with a new baby at 39 years old, and a husband who has never been around babies and is now suddenly having to be Mr. Mom while I go back to a very stressful job. It would be hard and stressful, but we all have our burdens to carry. Mom has enough to worry about without worrying about me, and Dolores (Frank's daughter) and Judy (Frank's daughter-in-law).

I Just Exist

Friday February 5, 1993

Up at 8 but awake since 6. I have breakfast and go back to bed to watch Regis and Cathy Lee. At 10 I get up and find I'm totally exhausted. I manage to shower but am too exhausted to put on my makeup and curl my hair. I am dressed and on the couch until 4:30. I feel a little better, and come downstairs to watch more TV. That's all I do lately. I have no interest or energy to do anything anymore. I just exist. Frank does everything. He seems driven to do it all. I'm depressed. I'm ready to be done with all this.

I don't know why, since Mom's been gone for 20 years, but I feel the need to argue with her right here! First of all, you don't need to spend an hour every morning fixing your hair and putting on make-up! You don't have to look beautiful at all times! Give yourself some slack. Second, that's not all you do is watch TV. In fact you just got back from a camping trip with 12 couples! I understand that being exhausted and in pain is depressing, but when you say you are ready to be done with all this, do you mean the cancer or life? Third, why didn't you talk to me about how you were feeling? I looked forward to tomorrow's entry and it says "I try to sound up for her" when I called Mom. Why is she hiding her feelings? I wish I would have been there more for her. I endured a horrible 9 month pregnancy with constant nausea and vomiting 24/7 beginning 6 months after Mom was diagnosed, and then I was busy raising a newborn baby. Maybe if I had known how she was feeling, I could have come down with the baby to stay with her. I am so thankful that Frank is driven to take care of everything so that Mom doesn't feel any pressure.

The photo above was taken right around this time when Derek was 6 months old and Justin was 11.

The Funeral List

Thursday February 4, 1993

Didn't sleep much after 4 a.m. but feel pretty good when I get up at 7:30. I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed until 10. Frank is at carving class.

I wash and condition my hair. After lunch I dust our bedroom. Frank goes to the valley to bank. When he returns we go to Newbury Park to check on the roofers. On the way home we buy a pie at Marie Callendar's. I spend the afternoon reading. Smokey, our cat, is on my lap every time I sit down. He won't leave me alone.

I plan to make a list for Frank to help him make calls when and if I die.

We have a chicken and rice dinner. Donna calls. She's upset that I'm not doing better.

Oh my, I hope she didn't tell Donna she was making a list for her funeral. I don't recall whether Frank used a list or Mom's address book to call friends when she died. What I do recall is that I wanted to be the one to call Donna, her best friend since childhood. I remember I tried a few times and got no answer. Finally, on the third try Donna answered the phone. She told me she and Bob had been out for a walk. It was still early in the morning, maybe 8 or 9 a.m. She said she was happy to hear from me. There was no way to break the news gently. I told her Mom had just died. We both cried. She and Bob drove down to Simi Valley from Pollock Pines the next day. Bob said Donna said nothing the whole ride down, about a 6 hour drive. Donna was the one who was diagnosed with cancer 5 years before Mom. She was treated for breast cancer in 1986. Donna beat back that nasty cancer. 27 years later she is still going strong. I just received her Christmas card and she looks great. She's 79 years old now.

Our male Boston terrier Brutus is just like Smokey. Whenever I am sitting in a chair, without being at a desk or table, he takes that as a signal to jump up in my lap and be petted.