I Love Her

Wednesday February 17, 1993

Up at 7. Have been awake since 4:30. I don't feel well when I don't get my sleep. We're ready to leave for doctor at 8:30. Dr. Semrad examines me and says he thinks all the tumors are gone except the one we can feel. He thinks we should leave the pump on as long as I'm tolerating it OK. I had a pretty good week so we go another week. Now he says when we finish with this chemo he wants to try other medication in the pump before we try Taxol. We are somewhat encouraged.

At home I spend the afternoon and evening sitting in the chair, napping off and on. I can't eat dinner but snack later. Frank talks to Cathy Thomas and his mom. Chris calls me. I love her so much and love talking to her.

I hear you, Mom, when I don't get a good night's sleep, I am a mess the next day. As I write this, we just changed from Pacific Standard Time to Daylight Savings Time, and even though it is a difference of just one hour, I have felt jet-lagged all week, and haven't slept well at all.

I love you too Mom, and always looked forward to the weekend when we visited by phone for 2-3 hours. We did have good talks, but how I wish I could have been there in person to hug you and see your face.

It Would Be A Relief To Die

Tuesday February 2, 1993

I don't sleep well and wake up feeling bad. I stay in bed until 11. I finally am up and dressed but sit in the chair downstairs all day with my right arm aching terribly. It makes me sick. I take Tylenol every 3-1/2 hours, but it doesn't help much.

I'm depressed today but so miserable with pain that I think it would be a relief to die. I'm ready. I hope I don't have a lot of suffering ahead of me. Yes, Frank will suffer too. My children and grandchildren will miss me when I'm gone. Poor Cathy Thomas will have most of the load caring for mother.

I pray extra hard for a cure and long life. It's all in God's hands.

I help some with the wash.

I do remember Aunt Cathy telling me that Mom felt bad about leaving Cathy to take care of Grandma Helen, who outlived Mom by 6 years and lived until the old age of 89. I never knew Mom had such pain at this point. Either I was in denial or she hid it well, probably both. It is very difficult to stay positive when in pain. Poor thing. I'm wondering why she only has Tylenol for her pain. Why hasn't the doctor given her narcotics? I have taken Hydrocodone for back pain and for hip pain, and it's the only way I can sleep. Mom is suffering not just from pain but from exhaustion.

Back to Pasadena

Saturday December 26, 1992

I awake feeling very sluggish. It's hard to get ready. We leave for Gene and Cathy's about 11 a.m. We will have lunch with them and leave mother so they can drive her home tomorrow. I'm really tired and my chest hurts by the time we leave at 3 p.m. When we get home I lay on the couch, chilled and ill all afternoon and evening.

It is about a 45 minute drive from Simi Valley to Pasadena and another 100 miles from Pasadena to Desert Hot Springs where Grandma Helen lived in her mobile home in a golf course community. Grandma was in her 80s by now but insisted on living independently in her mobile home. Her mother, my Grandma Johnson, lived a long life until she was 101 by walking everyday, and Grandma Helen enjoyed swimming every morning in the community pool. I think I have a little of both of them in me. I enjoy hiking, but I love to spend time in the pool too. I think I must have been a dolphin in a previous life!

Christmas Eve in Pasadena

Thursday December 24, 1992

We all sleep in and take it slow all morning. About 2:30 we leave for Gene & Cathy's. We have dinner there and all open gifts. Gene dresses up like Santa Claus and gives a gift to each of his grandchildren. All his family are there except Cathy and Brittany. Brittany has the flu. It's a lovely evening and I feel good. Guy, Lisa and Lynne make me feel quite special.

Mother does well. She's holding up real well and looks lovely after I curl her hair.

We eat turkey.



When I was a young girl my Uncle Gene & Aunt Cathy lived on Sierra Madre Blvd in Pasadena, right on the route of the Pasadena Rose Parade, which we watched from their front yard every year. In 1967 the State of California took their property by eminent domain to build the 210 Freeway. They bought a beautiful large lot tucked up against the San Gabriel Mountains in Pasadena and built a two-level house where many birthdays, holidays, showers, weddings and anniversaries have been celebrated over the years. In fact their granddaughter Alyson is having her wedding and reception with 400 guests in their backyard on July 20 this year. Alyson's parents Guy and Lisa Thomas, shown in the photo above, were married there in 1986.

Mom was close with her nieces and nephews, especially her niece Lynne, Gene and Cathy's youngest, who now lives in Seattle. She is pictured above with Mom at my baby shower in 1992. Lynne spoke at Mom's funeral. Such a beautiful spirit!

We Make Love

Thursday December 3, 1992

Up at 8:15, lazy. After breakfast, I call Mother and Cathy Murphy. Mother sounds good. We make plans to pick her up to bring her here for Christmas. Cathy and I have a good visit.

Frank returns from carving class and we make love. My idea. It's wonderful that I can still enjoy it so much. Frank still gets turned on even though I'm fat and have this tube coming out of my chest. It's so wonderful to lay together in our embrace.

It's 3:30 when I'm finally dressed and made up. I feel pretty good the rest of the day.

Mom hasn't mentioned too much about their sex life lately, and I assumed she just wasn't feeling up to it. I think it is incredibly tender and sweet that these two lovebirds are still able to do it without worrying about dislodging the tube from her chest. I'm pretty sure it would create a big distraction for me.

Doubt

Tuesday September 22, 1992

I had much less pain last night and slept well. Frank has walked to his carving class so I take a walk alone.

Dr. Schwartz calls me back. I ask for some pain medicine. He is disappointed to hear I have not started my new treatment yet and upset that I am having pain. I now doubt that we made a wise decision to wait until after the trip. I pray to God that we have made a good decision.

We go visit Gene and Cathy at 6 p.m. Allison and Patrick are there so we have a nice visit. We see Guy & Lisa also. We're home at 9:30. I call Donna and we talk until 11 p.m. It's a good visit. We agree to go camping for Thanksgiving weekend.

See my post dated September 2, 2012 and her entry for September 9, 1992. That was the date that she made the fatal decision to postpone chemotherapy until after her Mediterranean cruise. I was furious with her. Looking back to her entry for that date, nowhere does she say that she prayed and asked God for wisdom and direction with this very important decision, yet this day 2 weeks later she is praying to God that she made a good decision after the fact. Proverbs 12:15 says, "Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others." Perhaps Dr. Senrad might have thought it was OK to wait, but clearly her long-time Dr. Schwartz who knew her best was very disappointed that she had not started her chemotherapy. She should have gotten a second opinion. Proverbs 15:22 says, "Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success." It is still 6 days before her trip to the Mediterranean, plenty of time to cancel. Did she think of buying travellers insurance? Surely she must have considering her health.

Guy Thomas is Uncle Gene and Aunt Cathy's youngest son. He is shown in the photo below next to Frank in the upper left corner and his wife Lisa kneels in front of Frank. Guy is holding his children Allison and Patrick.

Dinner At Tony Roma's

Sunday September 20, 1992

Up at 8:00. We stayed up late watching Miss America contest on TV. We take our walk, then eat breakfast. The walk makes me really tired and yucky for awhile. After breakfast Frank helps me with a home perm. Cathy Thomas calls. They will come over about 4 p.m. today. We'll go out to dinner. We hurry to get the house in order.

The tenants from Newbury Park come over to tell us they are moving out October 1. Good news cause they're behind in rent. Bad news cause we have to deal with renting it.

Gene and Cathy arrive at 5:00. We have a nice visit on the patio to enjoy our lovely yard. At 7:00 we go to dinner at Tony Roma's. We have a leisurely dinner and return home about 10.

Tony Roma's, I haven't been there for years. They are known for their baby back ribs. Uncle Gene is Mom's brother. He and Cathy have lived in Pasadena for many years. I'm so glad that Mom stayed close with her brother Gene and Aunt Cathy during her battle with cancer. They are very special people. Aunt Cathy took on the role of mother to me after Mom passed away. They are in their mid 80s now, but still in pretty good health.

I was surprised that Mom wanted to have a home perm right after she complained about feeling yucky. Smelling that horrible ammonia smell of permanent solution makes me feel yucky just thinking about it. I can't help wondering if getting a permanent every 6 weeks for most of her life contributed to Mom's cancer. Lots of nasty chemicals in that solution!

I know how Mom feels about her tenants giving notice. We have a tenant who is constantly a month behind in their rent, but they do pay every month. They are very nice people and take good care of the house, so we hate to evict them because that will mean lots of work for us, and possibly tenants who are not as good as the ones we already have.

On The Phone

Saturday September 12, 1992

Up at 8:30, breakfast and a one-mile walk at 9 a.m. Don't feel too well today. Crawled back into bed at 10:30 with chills and slept 1 hour more.

Cathy Thomas called to invite us to dinner for Lisa's birthday. Verna called to invite us to potluck and card game next Saturday night. Phil returned Frank's call while he was gone. Called Mom. So wasn't cleaned up til 2:15. Feeling some better. Called Maria. Gary's sick in bed with stomach flu.

At 7:30 we go square dancing. It's an ice cream social and Happy Squares. We have a great time. I feel good and do well.

Mom loved to talk. We would talk about once per week and be on the phone for 2 hours or more. So even though we lived 400 miles apart, we were still very close. I am starting to realize that it wasn't just me that Mom would be on the phone with for hours! Her social life was very busy.

A Visit with Sister-In-Law Cathy Thomas

Wednesday August 19, 1992

Awake at 4 a.m. Unable to go back to sleep because of a pain lower right side where the larger tumor is. No matter how I lay it hurts alot. Finally I got up and took Tylenol. I prayed alot for God to take away the pain. When I woke up at 7:30 the pain was gone. I was lazy til 9:30.

After lunch we took the gifts we bought for Valerie and Dana over to Val. She really liked the jelly and the pottery bell. I ironed clothes in the afternoon. About 3 p.m. Cathy Thomas came to visit. She stayed til 5:30 p.m.

We fixed a shrimp dinner together and settled down for the evening. Called Paul and Gary and spoke to Gledhill tenants.

No heavy pain all day. Just the pulling pain when I move.

My Aunt Cathy is so thoughtful. It was nice of her to drive all the way from Pasadena to visit Mom in Simi Valley. She became my surrogate mom after Mom passed away and calls once a month or so just to check in. She is pictured above at her 50th wedding anniversary with Uncle Gene, Mom's brother, in Pasadena in September 2000.

Not sure who Val and Dana are, perhaps neighbors?

My Surprise Party

Saturday May 30, 1992

My Surprise Party

Up early in the kitchen making jello salad to take to the potluck at Shirley and Jim's tonight. I feel real good today. We arrive at Shirley's at 4 p.m. as requested. As we step in the door everyone yells surprise. I look at Frank, surprise who? "Happy Birthday" they yell, Me? No! My day was last Tuesday. I can't believe it! Luckily they are all standing in a half circle so I'm able to go around it hugging and kissing all my old and new friends and Gary and Maria (29 in all). I'm honored and thrilled! I can't believe they would all come for me! And Turners have spent alot of money on decorations and cake all decorated and tri-tip roast on the BBQ. It's a lovely evening I shall always remember.

Gene and Cathy arrive late. We 6 relax and talk with Turners. We leave at 9:00 and head for Gary's. Gene and Cathy want to see his new house. He and Maria are up but nearly asleep. We have a nice visit.

I don't remember ever having a birthday party as an adult and only one as a child. It rained my 12th birthday party away. We had planned to all go to Pops Willow Lake for a swim party. No rain this time. A glorious day--warm--not hot. All my old Valley friends were there, Myra, Jeanne, Linda and spouses, Carol, my friend from second grade on. Many square dance friends and our neighbors Doris and Helen. I love them all.

It brought tears to my eyes to know that her friends loved her so much that they planned this huge party to celebrate what would be her last birthday on earth. She was genuinely touched. To have had only one other birthday party in all her 58 years seems sad. Maybe that's why she made sure my brother and I had birthday parties every year until we were 10 or so. I remember Mom talking about Pops Willow Lake so I looked it up. It was a boating and swimming resort with a dance hall and cafe along Big Tujunga Wash, upstream from today's Hansen Dam. The lake was opened in 1931 by James A. (Pop) Gautier. It washed away in the 1938 flood that devastated the San Fernando Valley but was rebuilt in time for a young Marilyn Monroe (then Norma Jeane Baker of Van Nuys High School) to spend wartime dates there with her first husband, Jim Dougherty.

I Couldn't Possibly Do It Without Frank

Sunday April 26, 1992

Bad night. Didn't sleep well thanks to aches and pains all over my body. I'm so out of shape it's pitiful. Just a bit more to do and we're ready for company. A last minutes trip to the market and our company, Bucky and Iny and Gene & Cathy arrive on time at 2 p.m. We spend the afternoon on the patio. The yard looks so beautiful! The ham dinner is ready at 6 p.m. and we have a lovely dinner and lovely time at our dining room table.

With Frank's help the day and the dinner turn out perfect. I couldn't possibly do it without him. I'm tired but happy when we settle down alone about 9 p.m.

Bucky is her cousin that she and Frank just visited a few weeks before in Florida and Iny is his wife. Mom's brother Gene and his wife Cathy from Pasadena came to visit them as well. I'm sure the weather was beautiful at the end of April and everything was blooming in their yard. They had a huge backyard that was beautifullly landscaped. It was the location of many parties, family reunions and even weddings.

I've Known Carol Peveler Since Second Grade

Sunday March 1, 1992

A lazy morning with a nice egg and tortilla breakfast. I make a few phone calls and Cathy Thomas calls to say Chris has gone home this morning from the hospital. I call her about noon but she has been napping since she got home.

Shirley and Jim pick us up at 3:30 to go square dancing in Northridge. It should be a big dance with 5 callers. My old friend Carol Peveler will be there. I saw her last in September. She wants to see how I'm doing and dance with us finally. Because of her we are square dancers. I've know her since second grade.

We have a great time dancing and then the 5 of us go out to dinner at the Olive Garden, a place I've been dying to eat.

Later at home I have my old chest tightening experience. It lasts 2 or 3 minutes. I am doing nothing when it happens.

So sweet of Aunt Cathy to call me to see how I'm doing and then report back to Mom. Since Mom passed away Aunt Cathy has taken over as surrogate Mom to me. She doesn't check in with me weekly like Mom did, but almost monthly. No wonder I was napping when Mom called. I can never sleep in the hospital. They always come in every 2 hours during the night to take blood pressure readings, temperature, etc. I am always exhausted which is why I am anxious to get home.

Carol Peveler Ziegler was Mom's oldest friend. They had known each other even longer than her best friend Donna. Carol was the one who got Mom and Frank hooked on jazz. They attended jazz festivals together in Monterey, Sacramento, and Los Angeles. Carol also got them involved in square dancing which became their passion as well as their social life. It seems like Mom has an entry that includes square dancing almost every day, and not just in Simi Valley, but other towns as well. After Mom passed away Frank married a single lady from their square dancing club, Millie. They were married for 7 years but the marriage ended in divorce. A few years later Frank hooked up with Mom's friend Carol and they were soon married and moved to a retirement community in Lincoln, California. They drove to Sonoma County for my son Justin's wedding this year, which was the first time I had seen them in years. The photo above was taken this year of the two of them and came with their Christmas card. They are still square dancing every day well into their 70s.

Open House at Guy & Lisa's

Sunday December 15, 1991

Crazy dream upsets me and wakes me at 6 a.m. Can't get back to sleep. Get up at 7 a.m. to get ready to leave at 9 a.m. for square dancing at the Police Academy to raise money for the Midnite Mission. Marty and Kathy meet us there. Not a great turn-out (6 squares) but we have a good time. There are 3 callers. Frank and I get a Purple Heart for dancing in a square with 3 callers. We run into Carol and Ray.

After the dance at 12:30 we go to Lawry's for lunch. They are closing Lawry's January 3. We have a good lunch.

We arrive at Guy's Open House at 2:30. They put us to work. They have a good turn-out and lots of food. We see Gene & Cathy, Perry & Cathy. Lynne is in New Zealand.

We arrive home at 7:00 tired.

I wonder why Mom doesn't mention what her dream was about. Maybe that's her way of not giving it power over her.

I did a little research and found that there are hundred of fun badges that square dancers can earn. The Purple Heart is earned by dancing with 3 callers.

Guy Thomas is Mom's nephew. I'm so happy that Mom held a family reunion a few months before this journal entry and took a photo of the extended family, shown above. In the top row on the left is her husband Frank Reina. Next to Frank is her nephew Guy holding his daughter Allison and son Patrick. Next to Guy is Mom's mother, Grandma Helen Richardson. Next to Grandma Helen is Mom at the center. Next to Mom are me and my husband Ric, then Mom's nephew Perry and his wife Cathy, both of whom are mentioned at the Open House. In front of Frank in the second row is Lisa, Guy's wife. Next to Lisa is my Aunt Cathy Thomas holding Perry's two girls Lindsay and Brittany. Next to Aunt Cathy is my cousin Lynne and then Uncle Gene, Mom's brother. So my Uncle Gene and Aunt Cathy had 3 children, first Perry, then Guy, then Lynne. My brother Gary and his wife are in the center of the front row, and left of them are their 2 boys Joe & Gabriel with my son Justin Reyes between those two.

Cathy Thomas

Friday May 10, 1991

Slept much better last night. Was awake for no more than 20 minutes, about 3 a.m. Feeling great today! Walked down to the bank, had a taco lunch and walked home. I was gone 1-1/2 hours and felt great when I got home. A couple of months ago I was feeling so punk I could no longer walk that far. Walking that far made me feel physically ill and I would have to lie down. I haven't felt this good in a year.

Puttered in the yard and did some ironing. By 6 p.m. I was ready to flake out so we watched TV and fell asleep but did wake up in time to see "Big Business", a movie we have a financial interest in.

Cathy Thomas called this morning. We have such good talks. She is a wonderful sister-in-law.

Wow, I'm not sure how one chemotherapy treatment has suddenly given mom relief from so many ailments and sudden energy.

She is right about Uncle Gene's wife Cathy. After mom passed away, Aunt Cathy made a point of becoming a surrogate mom to me. Mom and I used to talk for at least an hour every week. Aunt Cathy started checking in one me monthly. We both missed mom.