It Would Be A Relief To Die

Tuesday February 2, 1993

I don't sleep well and wake up feeling bad. I stay in bed until 11. I finally am up and dressed but sit in the chair downstairs all day with my right arm aching terribly. It makes me sick. I take Tylenol every 3-1/2 hours, but it doesn't help much.

I'm depressed today but so miserable with pain that I think it would be a relief to die. I'm ready. I hope I don't have a lot of suffering ahead of me. Yes, Frank will suffer too. My children and grandchildren will miss me when I'm gone. Poor Cathy Thomas will have most of the load caring for mother.

I pray extra hard for a cure and long life. It's all in God's hands.

I help some with the wash.

I do remember Aunt Cathy telling me that Mom felt bad about leaving Cathy to take care of Grandma Helen, who outlived Mom by 6 years and lived until the old age of 89. I never knew Mom had such pain at this point. Either I was in denial or she hid it well, probably both. It is very difficult to stay positive when in pain. Poor thing. I'm wondering why she only has Tylenol for her pain. Why hasn't the doctor given her narcotics? I have taken Hydrocodone for back pain and for hip pain, and it's the only way I can sleep. Mom is suffering not just from pain but from exhaustion.

Mother is Feeling Better

Sunday January 17, 1993

I awake feeling pretty good. After I shower I roll my hair and Frank gives me a perm. I turns out great. Later I call Mom and Chris. Mom is feeling very good. She has much less pain. She thinks the pills she's taking to improve her platelets from 4000 to 150,000 is helping her arthritis. I pray for her pain relief and Dad's as well, everyday.

I eat very little lunch so by dinner I'm starved. I eat a pork chop, mac & cheese & brussel sprouts. It tastes good but I feel ill for an hour or so afterwards. Probably ate too fast.

Probably shouldn't have eaten a gas-producing vegetable like brussel sprouts! So glad Mom had a better day and that she felt well enough to call me and Grandma Helen. Notice how she is praying for her loved ones, even though she is the one with a terminal illness. Frank's Dad passed away a few months after Mom's death in 1993, but Grandma Helen (pictured above with Mom, Gary and myself) lived another four years. She lived to the old age of 89. Grandma Helen's mother, Amanda Johnson, in the top photo with the four generations of Johnson women, including myself, Mom, Grandma Helen, and Grandma Johnson, lived until the ripe old age of 101. Unfortunately, Mom would not live the long life of her predecessors. I hate that cancer robbed her of the long life she should have had.

Virus, Flu or Chemo?

Wednesday December 30, 1992

It's a real struggle to get ready to leave for the doctor at 8:45. I feel just awful. I ache all over and my chest hurts. It hurts more when I take a deep breath, even in my neck. Last night my temp was 100.1. Two doctors examine me and talk to me. My X-rays are fine. I could have a virus, flu or a reaction to the chemo. If I'm not better in a couple of days I should disconnect my chemo pump.

At home I take a pain pill and a nap. When I get up I feel so much better. I manage to be sociable downstairs with Donna & Bob. At 3:30 they leave to visit Mark (Bob's son) and family. I lay down with another pain pill.

How awful to have company when she is feeling so awful, even her best friend Donna. It must have been hard for her to put on a happy face. I know when I am sick or in pain, the last thing I want is people around me. I think that's because of the way Mom raised me. As a young girl, when I was sick she didn't make me chicken soup or pamper me. She left me alone, said confidently that I would be fine, and left for work.

Labor Day

Monday September 2, 1991

Labor Day! We sleep in til 9 a.m. We got to sleep last night about 1 a.m. The animals were very glad to see us. Our bed felt wonderful. We had 2 double beds at the Hilton. We slept in one. It seemed so small.

Frank works in the garage til 1 p.m., then heads for the rental houses to work. I stay home to clean house, do laundry and pay bills.

It's a hot day! About 90 degrees here. It was about 75 at LAX over the weekend. It was very comfortable there.

The pain on my left side just under my bottom rib seems to be getting worse. It's tender to the touch. I've had it about 3 months steady. It hurts most when I pull my knee to my chest during my back exercises. I go to bed with a huge backache.

Los Angeles Airport is very close to the ocean, so is cooler than where Mom and Frank live in Simi Valley. I wonder what that pain is after getting a clean bill of health last week?

Ice Cream Always Makes Me Feel Better

Friday May 17, 1991

Another good night's sleep. I'm sure now that taking my vitamins after dinner ruined my sleep.

Mother is up early too, packing to leave, but she stays until after lunch. After she leaves for Gene and Cathy's, I rush to clean the bathrooms, wash all her linens, make the beds and vacuum the whole house. Moping the floors is too much and I feel quite ill all over. I lay down for an hour or so. I'm hungry every couple of hours this week since Tuesday. I devour a large bowl of popcorn.

I feel better when Frank gets home so we go to Ross, Mervyns and Target. Then we eat at Imperial Gardens and go to see "Oscar" at the movies (one of ours).

I'm having some shooting pains in various parts of my stomach. We treat ourselves to Baskin Robbins ice cream cone.

I don't think mom understands the concept of taking it easy. Even though she is obviously exhausted and in pain, she is determined to clean the whole house and then goes shopping and out to dinner. For her perhaps shopping is therapeutic. Maybe having ice cream is comforting too.

Tomorrow is Chemo #2

Monday May 13, 1991

Mother is here to stay for a few days. She sleeps until 10 a.m. so I do the wash. I slept very well and woke at 7:30.

Feeling good I walk to the bank. It feels great. I have a little bit of pain in my female organs.

After I drop off mail at post office, I do my marketing. I rush to fix dinner and get to square dancing. I'm too nervous to eat from rushing.

Square dancing is great fun. We go to Hudson's Grill with the gang and I order skins. They taste real good.

Tomorrow is Chemo #2. I am full of anticipation.

It seems very ironic that mom is nervous from rushing around but facing chemo in the morning doesn't seem to make her nervous. Being full of anticipation sounds more like excitement than nervousness. I have no doubt if I was facing chemotherapy it would be with dread not anticipation and I would not sleep a wink. I admire mom so much for facing this struggle as a challenge, not as something to be dreaded. I hope some day I will be as strong and positive as she was.