Good Day. Sleepless Night.

Monday, February 22, 1993

Up and feeling great. I feel good all day. I do the wash and we go to lunch at Millie's. I have a BBQ ham sandwich. Later, I give Frank a perm.

We're still full from lunch when dinnertime arrives, so we go to the square dance without eating. I enjoy the dance. I feel real good. We get home at 9:45 and I eat some rice and a tangerine. Bedtime 11:15. I'm wide awake and real full. I can't sleep. I take Unisom--no luck. I go down and read at 3 a.m. I fall asleep about 5 a.m.

A good day.

Wow, a sleepless night doesn't sound like a good day to me. I've been taking Tylenol PM every night and I sleep like a baby. I never tried Unisom.

I Cry When I Talk About Leaving Frank Alone

Monday February 1, 1993

Went to bed early and slept well so awake feeling pretty good. I was very sleepy all late afternoon and eve yesterday while watching Super Bowl.

I go have my nails done at 10:45 and the bank. Cari Lyn my manicurist is 3 months pregnant. She wants me at her wedding on March 6. I ask her what we'll do when I'm too sick to come get my nails done. We discuss how to remove the acrylic nails. I cry when I talk about leaving Frank alone when I die.

I go to Taco Bell for lunch. I rest in the afternoon after paying bills. Frank makes cutlets for dinner. I feel well enough to go to the square dance class with Frank. It's good to see everyone. I don't dance. We leave after 2 hours. We go for a malt to Hudson's. At home I go to bed at 11.

This is so sad to hear. Her manicurist must have been crying too. Mom is starting to talk about her death now and it becoming more of a reality. She seems more concerned for Frank after her death than for herself. It would be 3 more months before she passed away. When Frank and I cleaned out all of mom's clothes a few months later, he told me mom was his soulmate and no one could ever replace her. It sounds like Mom felt the same. Frank certainly was a gem. I have thanked him over and over for taking such good care of Mom those last few years. This photo was taken of Mom and Frank on Easter Sunday 3 weeks before her death. She still looks good, but tired.

Manicure

Monday December 21, 1992

Up early. Have my nails done. I enjoy talking with Cari Lyn. She is thrilled when I tell he how well I'm feeling and how good I'm doing. My tumors are shrinking because my bowels are working normal again. She gives me a great Christmas hug and kiss.

Later I enjoy a chili dog, go to the bank, Target and grocery shop for an hour and spend $148.00. I'm tired after 5 hours of running around so rest on the couch when I get home for awhile. We have dinner about 6 p.m. and go square dancing. I feel well enough to dance a tip or two but spend the night just visiting. Later we go to Hudson's Grill. I have a malt.

Mom's energy is back!

No Square Dancing Tonight

Friday October 30, 1992

Up at 8:00 feeling pretty good. I finish the last 2 loads of wash.

Karen King calls to say a group of our square dance friends are going dancing in Northridge tonight. I would love to go but my energy level is still very low, and my chest still hurts.

We have a nice dinner and watch a couple of rented movies.

Of Course You Can Dance!

Saturday October 24, 1992

Awake early. Can't sleep past 5:30 a.m. since our trip, but I have a hard time staying awake after 8-8:30 p.m. Hopefully I'll get back on track soon. Then it gets worse because tonight we set our clocks back one hour so tomorrow I'll awake at 4:30 a.m.

Marty and Kathy are coming to go to dinner with us tonight at 6:15 before square dancing at 8 p.m. I'm feeling fantastic today. I get alot of little jobs done around the house and still talk on the phone all day--12 people.

We'll go dancing, but I probably won't dance with this huge 5 pound 5"x11"x3" pack on my side. It would be very awkward. We'll see.

"Of course you can dance!", our friends all insist. I put the pump in front and dance all night. I have a great time! Full of energy!

Mom was always very confident in herself and didn't care much what other people thought, but carrying around the bulky pump made her feel awkward, as it would most people. I think it is so sweet that her friends encouraged her to dance anyway, and how wonderful that she was full of energy and felt great!

I Worry About Chris & Ric

Monday October 19, 1992

At 7 a.m. I cuddle up with Frank. We've had enough sleep. We talk awhile. It must be terrible for him lately. I haven't been much of a wife or even companion to him lately. Certainly not much help or support at the Newbury Park house. I will try hard to make it to square dancing tonight. I must do the 10 loads of wash from our trip and linens but will try to rest in between. He needs and deserves a social life and we have so many friends there, many who really care.

I spend alot of time worrying about Chris & Ric. I worry that they are in too deep financially and I worry about Chris' health at 40 with a new baby to raise until she's 60 years old. I know how hard it would be for me to have an 18-year-old. And Ric is almost incapacitated with his bad back and no help to Chris.

We go square dancing. I feel pretty good but only dance 2 tips. Frank dances with Charlie. It's so good to see all our friends after so long on our trip. Thank you God for giving me the energy to go tonight. We even go to Hudson's afterward. I have a malt because I don't know what time I'll get to eat again. I cannot eat after midnight until after my surgery tomorrow.

Did it ever occur to Frank that he could go square dancing without Mom? I don't think so, he was so completely devoted to her. I seriously doubt that he felt like Mom was not a good wife or companion, and I doubt he ever complained to her.

I am surprised to hear that Mom worried about our finances. Our life never involved frequent meals out in restaurants or cruises and excursions like hers did, but we have never struggled to pay our bills and I have always had good credit. So many people are going hungry right now (1 out of 6 I heard on the news recently) and many are unemployed and homeless, that I feel blessed to have had a 33-year career with a good company, good benefits and a comfortable retirement.

Mom was right about the difficulties of raising teenagers as a 60-year-old. In April 2013 I will be 60 and my boys will be 18 and 21. My son Derek, pictured above when he was 6 months old in 1992, expressed to me last night that he will probably live with us for at least another 10 years because by then we will be the ones needing care. Ric is asleep every night by 9:00 and I can't stay awake past 11, which means our boys are usually up later than we are. Thank God they have not given us any grief. Ric's back has only gotten worse after 20 years and now he struggles with controlling his blood sugar after developing diabetes, high cholesterol, and deteriorated cartilage in his knee that makes it difficult for him to walk. I had a herniated disk in my lower back in 2008, sciatica, and most recently several episodes of vertigo and a dislocated jaw. I had no health issues until I was in my 50s. So yes, having children late in life is difficult, and probably puts an undue burden of worry on them. Derek has a sign on his bedroom wall listing his priorities for his life:
1. $$$ (getting a good education and a good job)
2. Dad's health (he doesn't have much control over this)
3. Airsoft Empire (his hobby and passion)

Carol Can't Make It To Dinner

Saturday September 26, 1992

Lovely day getting ready for company tonight. Carol and Harry will come to dinner and then go square dancing with us. Carol calls to say she is ill and they probably won't make it tonight.

About 3:00 we go to Gary and Maria's party. There are about 30 adults and kids all in swimsuits. We stay about an hour. At 5:30 we eat the spaghetti Frank has made. Company is not coming.

I'm having some pains in my lower abdomen today, the first since Monday. At 7:15 we go square dancing. It's fast and hot but fun. Afterward we go to Bill and Sue's for a party. We get to sleep about 12:30 a.m.

The pace of Mom's social life sometimes wears me out just hearing about it. This is one of those days. Her friend since kindergarten Carol Peveler, now Mrs. Frank Reina, pictured above in a recent photo with Frank, can't make it to dinner, but they still make it to Gary and Maria's party, square dancing, and another party where they don't get home until after midnight. Burning the midnight oil can't do much to boost Mom's immunity, but she certainly is enjoying her last months. I know that soon her pain will increase, her energy will lag, and her health will deteriorate, and it will become harder and harder to read her journal.

Home Town Parade

Up at 7 a.m. I drop off Frank at Erringer and Los Angeles Streets where the parade will begin at 9 a.m. He will walk along with our square dancer friends. They will dance. He will hand out flyers inviting people to join us square dancing on Monday nights.

I drive down to Sinaloa Street where the judging stand and announcer is, near the end of the parade, and find a nice shady spot for my chair next to the curb. Gary, Maria and the boys join me. It's 10 a.m. before the parade reaches us. It's 11:00 before Frank comes by. It's a fine home town type parade. Afterward we all go to the park and eat lunch.

In the evening we go to Verna and Bob's for a potluck and 24 of us play Hand and Foot (card game) at 6 tables until 10:30. It's great fun.

I feel great today!!!

Wow, a 3 exclamation point day! Don't see too many of those. Mom loved a parade. And she still had the energy to go to a party until 10:30 at night afterward. I searched the web for information on their square dancing club and found the video above was taken at the Simi Valley Parade in 2006. The Boots and Slippers Square Dance Club has been around since 1959. I am contacting their president to see if any of the current members were there in 1992 and to let him know how much I appreciate their members who were so helpful to Mom and gave her such joy those last few years. It was the members of this club who stepped up and prepared all the food for the reception after Mom's funeral.

We Have Missed 4 Weeks of Square Dancing

Monday August 10, 1992

We have a lazy day so we won't be too tired to go square dancing tonight. We are apprehensive when we arrive at the dance. We have missed 4 weeks. They learned alot of new things in 4 weeks. We are surprised that we don't do too badly after all. Others are having more trouble than we are. We have a good time. We go to Hudson's Grill afterward. At home we stay up til 11:30.

We took the truck to Thousand Oaks early this morning for repainting the hood and fenders.

It's nice to be on vacation, but I find it always feels great to get back to my routine once I'm home. For me that means my water aerobics 4 times per week. For Mom and Frank that meant their square dancing several times per week. For them it's not just the exercise but also a huge part of their social life.

Impromptu Square Dance At Bakers Square

Sunday June 28, 1992

I seem to have a cough today. Nothing more, just a cough. I feel weak and tired, but decide to go square dancing in Woodland Hills anyway. We are an hour late and everyone is leaving and goes to Bakers Square. We had a waffle breakfast so about 3 p.m. we're ready for lunch or dinner. There are about 28 people there. We set up an L-size table in the back room. After eating, Dick sets up his equipment, and we dance 3 tips at Bakers Square. The manager doesn't want us to leave. The customers are enjoying listening and watching us.

Whoa, that's a big group. No wonder the manager of the restaurant didn't want them to leave. 28 people must have brought in alot of revenue that night. Also, they provided free entertainment for his other customers.

As for her cough, it seems to me that Mom had a cough for years, especially in the mornings. Maybe it was so natural for her she didn't notice.

A New Diamond for her Wedding Ring

Monday June 22, 1992

I'm up and off to get my nails done. Frank joins me at 12:30 and we have lunch at Del Taco. Afterward we go to the jewelry store to pick out a new diamond for my wedding ring to replace the smallest one that fell out and was lost. We do a little shopping for a gift for Gary and Maria.

At 7:30 we go square dancing. I think I'm too tired but surprise myself by dancing every tip. At the end I am aching all over, my feet, knees, hips and back. We go right home and watch TV for an hour and fall into bed.

Today I bought a bunch of new vitamins to take that help fight cancer according to the book "Nutritional Healing".

Finally a cheap fast-food lunch for these two. I have to admit that Taco Bell was our favorite until a news report came out last year that stated that their tacos have very little beef, mostly filler. Yuck, no wonder they sell for 79 cents. After that report, we switched to Wendy's chili for $1.29.

Mom left behind hundreds of necklaces, pins, bracelets, rings, and earrings, mostly costume jewelry which I only recently gave away. I never saw her wedding ring. I suppose Frank kept it for sentimental reasons.

It sounds like square dancing is very good exercise. I don't think Mom's aches and pains had a thing to do with her cancer, but just the fact that she was out of shape, like most of us.

Square Dance Party

Thursday June 18, 1992

Still tired and slightly nauseated in the morning. Pull myself together and go to the bank and market.

Baked an angel food cake and make jello, strawberry and whipped cream for topping.

At 7 p.m. we go to the Turners for a potluck and square dancing on their patio. There are six couples there plus Shirley's brother and wife. I think I'm too tired to dance but find I'm as energetic as anyone else there. We have a good time and are home about 10:45. I'm so tired I yawn all the way home. I'm in bed and asleep as soon as we get home.

I think it is wonderful that Mom and Frank not only share a passion for square dancing, but have found an entire circle of friends that share their passion and have social get-togethers that involve dancing as well as other activities they enjoy. For more than 3 years I have attended a water aerobics class at my gym 4 times per week, and I guess you could call it my passion since it is one of the few exercises that I really enjoy. For the past year Ric has joined me in the class. But the members of our class don't socialize outside of class, with the exception of the short time dressing in the locker room. There was one potluck several years ago, and that was a great way to get to know some of the people in the class better. Maybe we will plan another potluck at our house this summer.

My other passion is my faith in Jesus Christ and I have many friends from my church that I have made over the past 9 years who share my passion. Unfortunately, my husband does not share my faith and is not at all interested in getting to know my friends or their husbands, even though there are many social opportunities to do so. Ric is what one of my friends calls a CEO: Christmas and Easter only. He generally doesn't sit with me even those two times per year, preferring to arrive late, sit in the back, and leave early before anyone has a chance to greet him.

Frank Is So Good!

Monday March 16, 1992

I wake up tired after 8 hours of sleep. I have a hard time getting going. Frank is so good! He takes his 4 mile walk then picks up the trailer. Though still tired, I manage to get dressed and go to square dancing. I dance most of the dances, but do sit out a couple.

I have never square danced but I imagine it is pretty good exercise. The problem is that it does not keep the heart rate up for a continuous period of 30-60 minutes. I imagine there are breaks between the songs every 5 or 10 minutes. I think the reason Frank is so energetic is because of the 4-mile walks he takes every day. As I write this I have just come home from a 3-mile hike, which I take every day that I am not taking my water aerobics class. I try to get 60 minutes of good cardio exercise every day. This is my longevity program, as well as my plan to stay healthy and get some fresh air. I have a treadmill, but I rarely use it. I would much rather get out in the fresh air and sunshine. Sometimes my husband comes along but he insists on taking our two dogs, which means we have to stop at every bush and rock. What is normally a one-hour hike becomes a two-hour hike with the dogs, and my heart rate never does get elevated when I stop every few feet for them. My Great-Grandmother Johnson walked 2 miles every day of her life until she was 100 years old. I don't know if God will bless me with 100 years, but at least I hope to enjoy good health for the ones he does give me. Walking is great exercise and something most of us can do well into our senior years. I know for sure Frank is still walking at 76 years old, and square dancing too. He is so good!

A Nice Walk with the Dogs

Sunday February 16, 1992

Just an average day. In the evening we go to Northridge with friends to square dance with Larry Ward. We have a really good time and learn many new calls. Larry makes it alot of fun. We go out for coffee after with Robbie and Delores.

We took a nice walk with the dogs in the afternoon.

Even just an average day includes square dancing and out with friends. I had no idea Mom and Frank were so social. There were plenty of places to take the dogs for a walk. Their home was in a newer subdivision that backed up to hills. Simi Valley is in fact surrounded by low hills as the above aerial photograph shows.

Good to Have Such Good Friends

Thursday February 13, 1992

The weather is somewhat better today. We take a nice walk with the dogs. We call our friends in the valley and arrange to meet them in Woodland Hills at a square dance. It's good to get out of the house and be with friends. A great dance! We have so much fun. After the dance we all go to Baker Square for coffee. Good to have such good friends!

Shirley called this afternoon to thank us for the flowers we wired her for Valentine's Day. She really loved them and all the cards I've been sending her. She has them all on her coffee table. She's attending church regularly with a friend. She sounds great!

Good job Mom. No pie tonight, just coffee. Hope it was decaf! What an encouragement she was to her cousin who was trying to recover from her alcoholism.

Nose Blowing After Each Tip

Saturday February 1, 1992

Relaxing day, trying to get well enough to go to the square dance tonight. We do go dancing. It was great to be back. Still coughing but managed to get by with nose blowing after each tip.

According to Wikipedia a square dance tip is "a group of dances usually separated from the next tip by a pause during which the dancers regroup into new squares".

Too Sick for Dancing

Monday January 27, 1992

We sleep in 10-1/2 hours. We really want to go square dance class tonight but our colds are not much better. We hope for a quick recovery but at 6 p.m. we know we would not be welcome, coughing and blowing our noses while touching hands with everyone and lots of hugging. Later at 8 p.m. we realize we really didn't feel well enough after all. We just wanted to go so badly. We miss our friends and love dancing. Hopefully we can go to our country western dance class tomorrow night.

We are more active today. Our colds are definitely better. I have given up wearing my wrist brace. It's so uncomfortable and there's been no improvement in 4 weeks. Seems like it's a little better after 3 days of not wearing it.

It takes alot to slow them down! We'll see if they're up for dancing tomorrow.

The Living Trust

Friday January 10, 1992

I try to sleep in a little but a telephone call wakes me. It's Kathy Murphy. She tells me about Echo, her daughter who's expecting her first child and her hubby is in the Army in So. Carolina. She doesn't have anywhere to go when the baby comes. Kathy tells her she cannot come home, though they have room. Echo decides to move to So. Carolina to be with her hubby. Kathy disagrees and says she should find a room in a home here. I think Kathy is heartless. How can she continue to treat her first-born this way. Our kids are always welcome.

I feel fine today. Frank is still disturbed about the living trust. We talk. I assure him I want him to have all my estate if he needs it, but I want what's left to go to my kids. I don't want his new wife to get one penny of mine.

We go square dancing, plus level in the valley and have a good time. We do pretty good considering how little "plus" dancing we've done since June.

I am assuming that "plus" dancing is a more advanced group of square dancers.

We went camping with the Murphy family 3 times every summer for several years. Echo loved babies. When Justin was a baby, on his first camping trip to Lake Don Pedro he was 7 weeks old. Echo wanted to hold him for hours on end. She was pregnant in 1992 just as I was with Derek. Considering how Mom always wanted to spend as much time with her grandson as possible, she must have been shocked that her good friend Kathy Murphy preferred to have her daughter and first grandchild living across the country in South Carolina where she had no family, than to take her into their home.

As for the living trust, I still don't understand what Mom means here. Is she saying that Frank gets everything, but when he dies, her estate will pass to her children? Frank's still going strong 20 years later, so I'm glad he passed her 3 rental houses on to my brother Gary and I. I'm kind of amused that Mom says she doesn't want Frank's new wife to get one penny. I wonder if she would feel that way if she knew that Frank ended up married her friend since second grade Carol Ziegler!

Last Day of 1991

Tuesday December 31, 1991

Last day of 1991!

I didn't sleep very well last night. I'm worried about Chris. I couldn't reach her by phone yesterday though I tried several times. I call her at 9:15. She says she went out all afternoon and out to dinner feeling better. She and Ric are working on their problems between them.

We go shopping for a shirt for Frank to wear tonight. At 5 p.m. we go to decorate for the dance and finish at 7. We go home and get ready in our new "New Year's Eve" duds.

We have a great time at the square dance with lots of friends to wish happy new year to. It's 1 p.m. when we get home.

I wonder if Mom was wondering if this might be her last New Year's Eve? This is Mom's last entry in Journal #2 (4 more to go).

The Past Two Weeks Are Catching Up With Us

Monday December 30, 1991

Up, feeling good. Later feeling worn out. Frank too. I think the past two weeks are catching up with us.

We go to the doctor at 11 a.m. He thinks my wrist is a tendinitis problem. He gives me a wrist brace to wear. Frank has an infected pimple in his nose. He gets medicine.

We "After Christmas Sale" shop, bank.

We go square dancing to help the beginning class. Afterwards, we go to Hudson's Grill with Marty and Kathy. It's a good turnout of 50-60 class and club friends. I have a malt. It tastes soooo good.

Hah! Mom may have been tired, but nothing perked up her energy like a SALE! After spending the day at the doctor's office and shopping, she still had the energy to go square dancing too. I wish I had her energy!