Millie Tiemeyer

Monday February 8, 1993

I sleep very well until 6. I awake feeling so much better. I suggest we get up and go for the early bird breakfast at Eggs & Things. We do. I eat all my french toast breakfast. At 9:30 we drive to Newbury Park to check out the new roof on the Maynard house. It's pouring rain. Once home about 11 I'm tired and lay down to rest awhile. I'm not hungry for lunch but feel good.

Millie Tiemeyer calls to say Don had a heart attack and died Christmas Eve. He was 65. We have a good long talk. She's pretty upset about Don and then I tell her about my cancer. Her mom and dad both died in the last 2 years also. Only Greg is married now.

We have a good pot roast dinner and go to square dance class.

Millie was another one of Mom's lifelong childhood friends. The above photo is taken from Mom's 1952 yearbook from San Fernando High School. Millie's maiden name was Oyler. Millie and Don's oldest daughter Teri was my best childhood friend and the matron-of-honor at my wedding in 1975. We took 2 road trips together during the summer of 1970 and 1971, the first one for a week, the second for 3 weeks. I have lost touch with both Teri and Millie. My stepdad Frank and his new wife Carol visited Millie last year in the same house in Thousand Oaks where I spent many summer visits. I heard that Millie and Teri were visiting Don's grave in Westlake Village in 1993 and came upon Mom's gravesite nearby. What a shock that must have been. I'm glad Mom had a nice long visit with Millie this day.

I Disconnect Myself from the Chemo Pump

Sunday February 7, 1993

Slept well until 6 a.m. After that I just rested. At 7:15 I woke Frank and we made love. It had been too long. Up at 8:15. I have orange juice. I have no appetite. Later I force some toast down.

I watch Reverend Schuller and feel somewhat better and optimistic. but I go upstairs to shower and feel so bad afterward that I fall back into bed my heart beating so hard. I try to sleep but only have terrible depressing thoughts of my funeral and what I'm wearing and how I look. I think of the hereafter but it is not pleasant.

Frank comes up. We cry. He deserves so much more than this. I decide to disconnect myself from the pump, my chemo. He agrees. I start feeling better very soon within the hours. I'm dressed, curled, hair, eye makeup and downstairs. Later I'm hungry. I eat at 4. I feel much better all evening.

So it's the chemo is what's making her feel awful, not the cancer. Look how much better she feels so quickly! I don't blame her for wanting to go off the chemo, but this is a very important decision. She is choosing death. Why is the hereafter not pleasant for her to think of I wonder? Is it just because she is so depressed, she can't focus on the glory of Heaven that awaits her? It was her strong faith at the end of her life that inspired me to turn back to Jesus, who promises eternal life if we believe in him. If I am dying, I would be calling my Christian friends to surround me and encourage me with their prayers, and to read God's promises from the Bible about eternal life.

Worry

Saturday February 6, 1992

Another rotten night and sick and depressing day. I'm too weak and ill to eat. I have no appetite. I only shower--no makeup, no hair curling. My arm still hurts and the Tylenol every 4 hours helps a lot. I'm so depressed. I feel like I'd prefer to die.

Chris calls. I try to sound up for her. I love talking to her but today I feel so much worry for her. She's going back to work February 27. It's not going to be pleasant or healthy for her. It will be a lot of stress and also worry about Derek at home with Ric. She's not strong. I'm also worried about Dolores and the baby. She has a problem with her uterus. Judy has a problem adjusting to 2 children. I'm dressed and downstairs in the evening.

I had no idea Mom felt so rotten at this point in her life. Look at her second paragraph. She says "I try to sound up for her." Why couldn't you be real with me, Mom? Why keep me in the dark? You were always strong and wise when I needed advice or help. Why didn't you allow me to be an encouragement to you? Yes, I had a lot going on in my life with a new baby at 39 years old, and a husband who has never been around babies and is now suddenly having to be Mr. Mom while I go back to a very stressful job. It would be hard and stressful, but we all have our burdens to carry. Mom has enough to worry about without worrying about me, and Dolores (Frank's daughter) and Judy (Frank's daughter-in-law).

I Just Exist

Friday February 5, 1993

Up at 8 but awake since 6. I have breakfast and go back to bed to watch Regis and Cathy Lee. At 10 I get up and find I'm totally exhausted. I manage to shower but am too exhausted to put on my makeup and curl my hair. I am dressed and on the couch until 4:30. I feel a little better, and come downstairs to watch more TV. That's all I do lately. I have no interest or energy to do anything anymore. I just exist. Frank does everything. He seems driven to do it all. I'm depressed. I'm ready to be done with all this.

I don't know why, since Mom's been gone for 20 years, but I feel the need to argue with her right here! First of all, you don't need to spend an hour every morning fixing your hair and putting on make-up! You don't have to look beautiful at all times! Give yourself some slack. Second, that's not all you do is watch TV. In fact you just got back from a camping trip with 12 couples! I understand that being exhausted and in pain is depressing, but when you say you are ready to be done with all this, do you mean the cancer or life? Third, why didn't you talk to me about how you were feeling? I looked forward to tomorrow's entry and it says "I try to sound up for her" when I called Mom. Why is she hiding her feelings? I wish I would have been there more for her. I endured a horrible 9 month pregnancy with constant nausea and vomiting 24/7 beginning 6 months after Mom was diagnosed, and then I was busy raising a newborn baby. Maybe if I had known how she was feeling, I could have come down with the baby to stay with her. I am so thankful that Frank is driven to take care of everything so that Mom doesn't feel any pressure.

The photo above was taken right around this time when Derek was 6 months old and Justin was 11.

The Funeral List

Thursday February 4, 1993

Didn't sleep much after 4 a.m. but feel pretty good when I get up at 7:30. I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed until 10. Frank is at carving class.

I wash and condition my hair. After lunch I dust our bedroom. Frank goes to the valley to bank. When he returns we go to Newbury Park to check on the roofers. On the way home we buy a pie at Marie Callendar's. I spend the afternoon reading. Smokey, our cat, is on my lap every time I sit down. He won't leave me alone.

I plan to make a list for Frank to help him make calls when and if I die.

We have a chicken and rice dinner. Donna calls. She's upset that I'm not doing better.

Oh my, I hope she didn't tell Donna she was making a list for her funeral. I don't recall whether Frank used a list or Mom's address book to call friends when she died. What I do recall is that I wanted to be the one to call Donna, her best friend since childhood. I remember I tried a few times and got no answer. Finally, on the third try Donna answered the phone. She told me she and Bob had been out for a walk. It was still early in the morning, maybe 8 or 9 a.m. She said she was happy to hear from me. There was no way to break the news gently. I told her Mom had just died. We both cried. She and Bob drove down to Simi Valley from Pollock Pines the next day. Bob said Donna said nothing the whole ride down, about a 6 hour drive. Donna was the one who was diagnosed with cancer 5 years before Mom. She was treated for breast cancer in 1986. Donna beat back that nasty cancer. 27 years later she is still going strong. I just received her Christmas card and she looks great. She's 79 years old now.

Our male Boston terrier Brutus is just like Smokey. Whenever I am sitting in a chair, without being at a desk or table, he takes that as a signal to jump up in my lap and be petted.

CA125

Wednesday February 3, 1993

I slept fitfully taking Tylenol every 3-1/2 hours all night. After my shower I feel sick and terrible with chills. I crawl back into bed for 40 minutes. Frank brings me medicine, toast and orange juice. Finally, I'm ready to go to the doctor about 9:20. I feel a little better but lay down all the way to Hollywood. They check my blood and I get my new medicine. We come right home and I go to bed. When I awake an hour later I feel some better. I come down at 1 p.m. and eat sardines and crackers.

My CA125 blood test was 1260 3 weeks ago. Normal is 30 or less. It measures cancer but not considered too reliable. This is really bad. The worst I had before was 600.

I feel pretty good at 7:00. We pick up Gary and go out for a burrito. We find Marty and Kathy there. Maria has a bad cold. Gary takes food home to her. We had a good time.

I did a little research on the blood test CA125. It actually is used to monitor ovarian cancer patients to see how well their treatment is working. But is is not a good screening test to detect ovarian cancer. MedicineNet.com says, "Some women with ovarian cancer (up to 20%) never have elevated CA 125 levels, while most women who do have elevated CA 125 levels do not have cancer. In fact, because CA 125 can be elevated in so many non-cancerous conditions, only about 3% of women with elevated CA 125 levels have ovarian cancer." Even today 20 years later there is no screening test for ovarian cancer.

Ovariancanada.org lists the most common warning symptoms of ovarian cancer:

Swelling or bloating of the abdomen
Pelvic discomfort or heaviness
Back or abdominal pain
Fatigue
Gas, nausea, indigestion
Change in bowel habits
Emptying your bladder frequently
Menstrual irregularities
Weight loss or weight gain
Mass or "lump" in your pelvis that you can feel
Inability to eat normally
Pain with intercourse
Vaginal bleeding

It Would Be A Relief To Die

Tuesday February 2, 1993

I don't sleep well and wake up feeling bad. I stay in bed until 11. I finally am up and dressed but sit in the chair downstairs all day with my right arm aching terribly. It makes me sick. I take Tylenol every 3-1/2 hours, but it doesn't help much.

I'm depressed today but so miserable with pain that I think it would be a relief to die. I'm ready. I hope I don't have a lot of suffering ahead of me. Yes, Frank will suffer too. My children and grandchildren will miss me when I'm gone. Poor Cathy Thomas will have most of the load caring for mother.

I pray extra hard for a cure and long life. It's all in God's hands.

I help some with the wash.

I do remember Aunt Cathy telling me that Mom felt bad about leaving Cathy to take care of Grandma Helen, who outlived Mom by 6 years and lived until the old age of 89. I never knew Mom had such pain at this point. Either I was in denial or she hid it well, probably both. It is very difficult to stay positive when in pain. Poor thing. I'm wondering why she only has Tylenol for her pain. Why hasn't the doctor given her narcotics? I have taken Hydrocodone for back pain and for hip pain, and it's the only way I can sleep. Mom is suffering not just from pain but from exhaustion.

I Cry When I Talk About Leaving Frank Alone

Monday February 1, 1993

Went to bed early and slept well so awake feeling pretty good. I was very sleepy all late afternoon and eve yesterday while watching Super Bowl.

I go have my nails done at 10:45 and the bank. Cari Lyn my manicurist is 3 months pregnant. She wants me at her wedding on March 6. I ask her what we'll do when I'm too sick to come get my nails done. We discuss how to remove the acrylic nails. I cry when I talk about leaving Frank alone when I die.

I go to Taco Bell for lunch. I rest in the afternoon after paying bills. Frank makes cutlets for dinner. I feel well enough to go to the square dance class with Frank. It's good to see everyone. I don't dance. We leave after 2 hours. We go for a malt to Hudson's. At home I go to bed at 11.

This is so sad to hear. Her manicurist must have been crying too. Mom is starting to talk about her death now and it becoming more of a reality. She seems more concerned for Frank after her death than for herself. It would be 3 more months before she passed away. When Frank and I cleaned out all of mom's clothes a few months later, he told me mom was his soulmate and no one could ever replace her. It sounds like Mom felt the same. Frank certainly was a gem. I have thanked him over and over for taking such good care of Mom those last few years. This photo was taken of Mom and Frank on Easter Sunday 3 weeks before her death. She still looks good, but tired.

What Does My Future Hold?

Sunday January 31, 1993

I didn't sleep so well. My shoulder keeps me awake. I don't feel as well when I get up about 8:30. It's 10:30 when I finally go outside to visit. Everyone has decided to come back here Memorial Day. Frank picks out a campsite. Will I be able? What condition will I be in by then? Or even March 5 when we're supposed to go to Monterey? What do I have to look forward to? What does my future hold? It's hard to plan the future. For Frank's sake I must keep planning ahead or allow him to. We must stay optimistic. We hope to go to Bakersfield for the square dance weekend March 19.

Everyone walks to the marina. I drive Jim and Penny. It's a gorgeous day. We leave for home about 2.

My curiosity got the best of me and I looked forward to those dates in her journal. Amazingly, she did make it to Monterey and Bakersfield in March, but she would pass away before the Memorial Day trip. Reality is definitely setting in and Mom is realizing that the end is near.

Campfire

Saturday January 30, 1993

Slept very well in our trailer. At 10:00 I call Mom but she's gone for tests. We visit with our friends, then take a drive around to see all the many campgrounds around the lake. It's a pretty day but breezy.

I call Mom around noon. They have found 2 ulcers in her stomach. That's probably where her bleeding came from. They also checked her bone marrow and her rectum.

I'm tired and lay down for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Karen comes in to visit with me. I like her a lot. She really cares about me.

We have a nice potluck at 5 and spend the night around the campfire. I rest in the trailer from 8-9. We go to bed at 11:15.

Having 2 bleeding ulcers is not funny at all, but I had to chuckle when I heard that Grandma Helen had this problem, because as far back as I remember, she put lots of hot sauce on absolutely everything! It was like her tastebuds were numb, so the spicier the better. No wonder after years of spicy food, she developed ulcers.

That was sweet of Mom's friend to come in to visit her while she was resting. I'll bet that lifted her spirits.

That sounds like so much fun to circle around the campfire on a cool January night with 12 other couples. What a party! Makes me want to find an RV club. We hardly ever use ours. Frank and his new wife Carol still go RVing with their square dancing friends a couple times every year.

Last Camping Trip

Friday January 29, 1993

Slept well. Awake at 7. Ready to get up and ready to leave with our trailer to camp at Lake Casitas if Mom is OK. I call her at Kaiser Hospital. She's feeling good and her rectal bleeding has stopped. I feel it's OK to go camping. I'll call her from there.

We leave home about 1 p.m. and arrive at Casitas about 2:15. It's not far from home. Harold and Joan are there already. By 9:30 p.m. there are 12 RVs of our friends. It's been a beautiful day, but why do I have this thought that this is my last trip with our trailer? My shoulder is still hurting a lot.

Watched a movie Harold had.

OK, there it is. She is starting to realize and appreciate her "lasts". Mom always did enjoy their camping trips with their square dancing club. It was a big part of her social life. Having 12 RVs at the campground at Lake Casitas near Santa Barbara reminds me of a circle of wagon trains with a campfire and music in the middle. It does sound like fun.

Shoulder Pain

Thursday January 28, 1993

After taking Tylenol every 4 hours through the night for the pain in my right shoulder I awake surprisingly rested. I feel pretty good otherwise also. In the afternoon I go get the car washed and go to the bank. At home I make some spaghetti sauce. It tastes OK but I only have a little.

At 6:00 our friends start to arrive. By 6:30 all 8 of us are ready to load into 2 cars and drive to Moorpark to see the melodrama. We enjoy the melodrama from 7-10 p.m. My shoulder is aching all night even though I took a pain pill. I'm exhausted when we get home at 10:30.

I'm wondering if she asked Dr. Semrad yesterday about the reason for her shoulder pain. My dad's second wife died of cancer a few years ago and her first symptom was shoulder pain. I was told by a nurse friend that is frequently the first symptom of cancer. Perhaps because that joint is close to a major lymph node?

Last Resort

Wednesday January 27, 1993

Up at 7 to the alarm. I slept well but wish I could sleep another hour. I feel pretty good again today. I prayed last night for several good days in a row, so I can go to the melodrama Thursday night and camping this weekend. I hope my prayers are answered.

At Dr. Semrad at 10:30 he says he doesn't think the kemo has done anything in the past 2 weeks and will check again in 2 weeks and may take me off the pump. He suggested we may want to try Taxol next. I said I think of that as the last resort. He pretty much agreed.

I felt down and depressed when we left. We went to Marie Callendar's for salad and then to Costco. I was so sure this kemo would be the one. Could I pray more?

Mom's last mention of chemotherapy using taxol was September 2, 1992, almost 5 months earlier. She wrote, "I'd have to go to UCLA once a week for a 2-day stay to have it injected and the cost would be thousands for us to pay." At that time Taxol was a fairly new chemotherapy drug and probably not covered by her medical insurance. Was the cost what kept her from fighting her cancer with the most aggressive treatment, or was it the possible side effects? Maybe it was the inconvenience of spending 2 days per week at UCLA. From all the traveling Mom and Frank did and the number of times each week they went out to dinner, it did not seem that money was scarce for them.

Funeral

Tuesday January 26, 1993

Thanks to prayer I sleep well and wake up feeling well enough to get up at 7 and get ready to leave at 9:30 to go to Whittier to Uncle Phillip's funeral. We meet Phil at Gary's house in Mission Hills and he rides with us. There are lots of people at the funeral, maybe 150+. It's a lovely chapel, an open casket. Uncle Phillip looks pale. The 3 teenage grandchildren carry one side of the casket. Nice!

Afterward we go to Mike and Lori's. Their neighbors have prepared a lovely lunch. I eat very well. It all tastes real good to me. We get home about 5 p.m. I'm tired but OK. It was a good day. I loved seeing everyone.

Mom doesn't say anything here about her own funeral, which surprises me. Her journal would be the place to share her private thoughts. This will be the last funeral where Mom will be present this side of heaven, and the last time she will see many of the people attending. I'm glad she had a good day.

I Have a Great Talk with Niece Lynne

Monday January 25, 1993

I slept real well. I took Tylenol every 3 hours for the shoulder pain. I awake with indigestion, probably from too much Tylenol. I manage some cereal and orange juice. I lay around until 11 a.m. Finally I shower and have a tuna sandwich for lunch. I feel a little better but I still have a terrible backache so keep taking Tylenol and Digel for the indigestion. I spend the day relaxing on the couch.

At 6 p.m. we go out for spaghetti and pizza. I don't feel well after I eat it. I have a stomach ache and indigestion persists. My arm is aching. It's Tylenol time.

Frank goes square dancing. I feel a little better about 8:00. I have a great talk with niece Lynne when she calls.

So glad to hear that Frank went square dancing when Mom was not up to it. I think Mom's visit with her niece Lynne, pictured above at my baby shower in 1992 with Mom, lifted her spirits. Lynne was very close to Mom, and even spoke at her funeral. Mom was the kind of woman that people turned to for advice because she was very wise. After Mom passed away, there was a bit of a role reversal. Lynne's mother, my Aunt Cathy, became my surrogate Mom and we have become quite close, just like Lynne and Mom were.

It doesn't seem like spaghetti and pizza was a good choice when Mom already has indigestion and upset stomach. Too spicy!

Sleepless in Simi

Sunday January 24, 1993

The wind blew hard all night and made so much noise I didn't sleep well at all. It won't be a good day. We have a waffle breakfast and I go back to bed until 11. I shower and get dressed. I'm not hungry for lunch so snack through the day on fruit and popcorn. I feel yucky.

I read newspapers all afternoon. By dinner time I feel nauseous. I eat some soup. Later I eat a scrambled egg and toast so I won't wake up sick in the night. My shoulder is still hurting all day. I hope I sleep well.

Oh yes! When I don't sleep well, I feel yucky too. I am amazed that no matter how yucky Mom feels she still takes the time to write in her journal.

Daisy Didn't Bark

Saturday January 23, 1993

Awoke feeling rested and great. Daisy didn't bark and wake me up last night and I only got up once to go potty. How well I sleep definitely has an effect on how I feel.

I had a bowl of cereal and washed my hair, got cleaned up with no sweats. I frosted 48 cupcakes, went to the bank, had a Carl's chicken sandwich for lunch, ironed my clothes to wear tonight.

Karen King came at 1 p.m. and we visited while Frank showed her how to trim rose bushes. Then I rested for an hour. At 5:15 we left for Bobby McGee's in Burbank for dinner with Phil, Deb, Gary and Maria to celebrate the girl's birthdays on the 27th.

Thank you Lord for answer to prayer and a good day.

From the time I was about 8 years old we always had a dog, sometimes two dogs. In 1993 Mom and Frank had two mutts, Pumpkin, pictured on the left, and Daisy, pictured on the right, sitting for a treat from Justin. They were well-mannered dogs and Mom loved them. My current family has always had two dogs also. Right now we have male and female Boston Terriers, Brutus and Zoey. They are inside dogs so they only bark if there is a loud commotion in the house or in front of the house. Daisy and Pumpkin were outside dogs, since it is much warmer at night in Southern California than it is in Windsor. That's probably why they often barked at noises during the night. While Mom was battling cancer she tried to get outside and walk the dogs around the neighborhood. They enjoyed that.

So glad Mom had a good night's sleep. That is so important, and especially when fighting a deadly disease. Look how much energy she had! She had a very productive day, and a long one! When I have a sleepless night I am good for nothing the next day! No wonder she is thanking God.

Uncle Phillip Died Today

Friday January 22, 1993

I don't feel well again today. I have the digestion pain, but manage a piece of toast. I stay in bed. About 1 p.m. I feel better except I feel tired and weak. I manage to shower and clean up but I have trouble with sweating so it's 3 p.m. or later before I'm able to come downstairs.

About 5:30 I eat some noodles with Swedish meatballs. It tastes good. Later I eat a cupcake. I'm tired but feel pretty good. My other symptoms are gone.

Frank hears from his mom that Uncle Phillip died this morning. He had gallbladder surgery yesterday. Suddenly he had a heart attack very early this morning. Not fair! He was so vital for 75. We certainly did not expect this. We are in shock. We go to bed at 11.

Yikes! Gallbladder surgery is pretty routine, almost like having the appendix removed. I have had both removed, appendix in 1992 and gallbladder in 2009.

I Feel Terrible All Day

Thursday January 21, 1993

I sleep better with the help of Ultrasom, but awake with the pain in my shoulder that radiates up my neck and down my arm. The pain of indigestion is bad. I don't think I can eat. I don't feel well enough to get up so stay in bed all day. Frank is so sweet. He keeps bringing me something to eat. I eat some toast and yogurt. I feel terrible all day. I don't sleep at all and wake up about 4 a.m. feeling nauseous. I wake Frank to get me some yogurt but after a spoonful I throw up. After awhile I do eat the yogurt and feel better.

I am in awe of Mom that even on a day when she is in so much pain, so nauseous and so sleep-deprived, she still finds the motivation to make an entry in her journal. She has not missed one single day. I wonder if making a daily entry in her journal gives her a purpose to keep going no matter how hard it is.

More Chest Pain

Wednesday January 20, 1993

I'm awake from 4:30 on. I get up at 7:30 and get ready to go to the doctor. I eat some cereal. At Kaiser my blood checks out well and I get more medication. I don't feel very well. My chest hurts low like indigestion.

We stop at In & Out Burger for lunch with fries and shake. It goes down well and I feel better for about 45 minutes. Then my chest hurts again and I have gas. I have to take a pain pill about 2 p.m. It helps some. I lay on the couch all day. After another pain pill at 7:30 I eat a salad at 8 with crackers.

Not a good day for Mom. No matter what she eats she seems to have chest pain.

The Bodyguard

Awoke at 7:30 feeling good. Slept very well last night. Had a good scrambled egg breakfast. Did the laundry and straightened the kitchen. Frank went to his carving class.

After lunch we go to the movies to see The Bodyguard. I still feel good. We have a steak, salad and baked potato for dinner. I eat only a small potato and some steak. I save my salad. Later I eat an eclair. I feel fine until I eat the second eclair at 9. At 11 I still feel very full and uncomfortable.

Whitney Houston was a famous pop star who appeared with Kevin Costner in the movie "The Bodyguard". She was born in 1963 and was "discovered" at the age of 19, going on to pursue a fabulous singing career until her death in 2012 by accidental drowning in a Los Angeles hotel room. Cocaine was found in her system. It seems like Mom and Frank go out to the movies quite often. Glad she had a good day this day.

Indigestion

Monday January 18, 1993

Awake at 3 a.m. and unable to fully fall asleep after that. I get up at 8. I am sweating alot this morning and don't feel real well. At 10:45 I have my nails done and bring home a Cupid hot dog for Frank and I. We both get indigestion. Mine lasts all day. I feel ill at dinnertime. I eat a yogurt pushup. About 8 p.m. I eat a frozen cannelloni dinner and tangerine and 1/2 banana. I feel better. I can't stay awake after 10 p.m. I go to bed at 11.

I had night sweats last night too, and sometimes have indigestion if I eat too close to bedtime. It seems Mom is having a continuing problem with sweating. I would attribute most of it to menopausal symptoms, but undergoing chemotherapy is certainly making her symptoms even worse. Mom and I always went to Cupid's hot dogs in Van Nuys when we visited Grandma Johnson, pictured in yesterday's post. There was also a Cupid's across the street from CSU Northridge where I attended college from 1972-74. Their hot dogs were great with a thick juicy skin that squirted juice when you would bite into it. Add chili and onions and it would certainly cause indigestion.

Mother is Feeling Better

Sunday January 17, 1993

I awake feeling pretty good. After I shower I roll my hair and Frank gives me a perm. I turns out great. Later I call Mom and Chris. Mom is feeling very good. She has much less pain. She thinks the pills she's taking to improve her platelets from 4000 to 150,000 is helping her arthritis. I pray for her pain relief and Dad's as well, everyday.

I eat very little lunch so by dinner I'm starved. I eat a pork chop, mac & cheese & brussel sprouts. It tastes good but I feel ill for an hour or so afterwards. Probably ate too fast.

Probably shouldn't have eaten a gas-producing vegetable like brussel sprouts! So glad Mom had a better day and that she felt well enough to call me and Grandma Helen. Notice how she is praying for her loved ones, even though she is the one with a terminal illness. Frank's Dad passed away a few months after Mom's death in 1993, but Grandma Helen (pictured above with Mom, Gary and myself) lived another four years. She lived to the old age of 89. Grandma Helen's mother, Amanda Johnson, in the top photo with the four generations of Johnson women, including myself, Mom, Grandma Helen, and Grandma Johnson, lived until the ripe old age of 101. Unfortunately, Mom would not live the long life of her predecessors. I hate that cancer robbed her of the long life she should have had.

Imodium A.D.

Saturday January 16, 1993

Awoke not feeling well. Took Tylenol and later anti-nausea medicine. Finally able to eat a little cereal, later some yogurt. At 5 had a small sandwich for dinner. Diarrhea was water all day and often. I fear a reaction to the kemo. I take Imodium A.D. and it seems to improve. I finally get out of bed at 7 p.m. and come downstairs. I feel pretty good. Even my chest doesn't hurt. Too bad we don't make it to the special Cowboys and Indians square dance. We watch a movie instead.

Just a few weeks into the 1993 and days into her final journal, and it is getting harder and harder to continue my blog. It is not pleasant to hear about someone you love suffering. But Mom made the commitment to post every single day, no matter how awful she was feeling, and I commit to finishing this blog in her honor.

Chaplin

Friday January 15, 1992

I feel pretty good. I eat a good breakfast and am too full still for lunch. At 1 p.m. we go to the movies to see Chaplin. It's good. We rent a movie to watch later. At home Gary calls to say they are going to Happy Hour and the boys will call us if they need us. We go to dinner at Millie's. I really enjoy my chicken fried steak dinner. After dinner we take our movie and go to Gary's. We stay until Gary and Maria get home about 9:30.

I'm tired of my chest hurting. Even my breast aches tonight. Do I have an infection? Maybe I should disconnect for awhile.

Robert Downey Jr. makes a pretty good Charlie Chaplin.

Decorations for the Dance

Thursday January 14, 1992

I eat a good breakfast. I feel pretty good all day. In the evening Frank goes to Bill and Sue's to make decorations for the dance Saturday night. Quite a few show up. He has a good time for a couple of hours.

Quality of Life

Wednesday January 13, 1993

Don't feel well. Didn't sleep well. Take a pain pill. Arrive at doctor in Hollywood about 9. It's a long morning. We finally see Dr. Semrad about 12:00. He thinks my tumors have softened and shrunk. He expects to see a big difference in 3 weeks. However, he would take me off the pump if I thought the quality of my life is so poor due to my side effects. I say no. I can live this way with pain pills.

I am hungry and nauseous on the way back to Simi for lunch at Subway. I feel better after I eat. I take a pain pill. Later, I eat a piece of pizza for dinner.

I think it is admirable that Dr. Semrad opened up a discussion about the quality of Mom's life. I'm sure it is not a topic that is easy to broach. I wonder if most doctors, specifically oncologists, assume that their patients want to keep fighting for their life, no matter the side effects of their treatment.. I found this interesting Quality of Life model for cancer survivors on the internet. In the top box Physical Wellbeing & Symptoms, Mom is definitely beginning to struggle with pain, fatigue, lack of sleep, nausea and constipation, but she is determined to keep fighting for functional ability. In the second box Psychological Wellbeing she seems to struggle very little with anxiety and depression and still seems to be enjoying her life for the most part. She always put on a brave face in person, but a journal is the place to write down real feelings and so far her feelings and attitude seem to be positive. In the third box Social Wellbeing she exceeds most of us in that she has very strong relationships with family members and friends, received lots of affection and support from her loving husband Frank, took pride in her appearance, and seemed to have no financial problems whatsoever. In the fourth box Spiritual Wellbeing she continued to put her faith and hope in God. So in the psychological, social and spiritual realms Mom receives much of her strength, even while her body is beginning to betray her.

Today is a Milestone

Today I start publishing the entries from Mom's final journal (Book 6). Coincidentally the stats on my blog also show I just passed a milestone with my blog. I have just passed 25,000 hits. Thank you to my faithful viewers for hanging in there with me on this journey. Please feel free to post comments here. It's always nice to get feedback.

Tuesday January 12, 1993

Didn't sleep well at all. Don't feel well when I get up at 7:00 but feel I must go to the driving class for the second day. By 9 I'm ready to go. I'm really tired, but make it through the 3-hour class. We go to Coco's for lunch. I enjoy fish and chips. At home I rest and try to take a nap.

Frank goes to Gary's to turn on the heat and make popcorn for Joe and Junior and 4 of their friends.

At 2 p.m. I go to Fantastic Sam's to get a perm. They say my hair is damaged and could not have a perm. They cut and conditioned it.

Not hungry for dinner, we go to Gary's with Junior's birthday present. Frank has cake and ice cream with Gary. We come home after 1-1/2 hours. I'm tired and go to bed at 9:45.

It's no wonder Mom's hair is damaged from all the chemo drugs running through her veins and hair follicles. Surprisingly she has not lost any of her hair yet.

Why Is She on Quinine?

Monday January 11, 1993

I awake feeling good. I didn't take the Quinine last night or Saturday night. Maybe that was making me ill. At 9 a.m. we go to a 55 Alive Driving class. It's over at 12:00. I still feel good. We go out to a Mexican buffet lunch. I eat alot. I still feel good.

At home, after some shopping I give Frank a perm. Boy did he need it! He looks handsome now!

One piece of pizza for dinner and I feel well enough to go to the square dane to sit and watch and visit. I feel really good but am tired at 9:30 and ready to go home.

What!!? Why did the doctor put her on quinine? No wonder she felt awful, as if battling cancer isn't bad enough! I looked up quinine to see what it treats and according to Mayoclinic.com it is used to treat malaria caused by a parasite in the bloodstream! The most common side effects of the medication are nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, and stomach cramps. It also causes fatigue and chest pain! Thank goodness Mom had the good sense to get off this stuff! She must have felt great to give Frank a perm. The smell of perm solution is enough to make anyone nauseous!

This is the last entry in Journal 5. I now begin Journal 6, her last.

My Brother Is a Good Man

Sunday January 10, 1993

I awake feeling better. My chest doesn't hurt but I feel nauseous. I go down for a pancake breakfast. I don't really enjoy it but it fills my empty belly. I lay in bed all morning. Can't think of a reason to get up. Finally, I'm up, showered and made up by 1 p.m. I eat a hard boiled egg. That tastes good. I eat another. Later a cookie and banana. At 5 a.m. I ate a cup of yogurt.

I call Gary at 4:45. We go over to visit awhile. Frank helps them prune some rose bushes. We come home and order pizza. I manage to eat one piece. I still feel pretty good. I eat some ice cream later and go to bed at 11 p.m.

I met a women at church a few weeks ago and we had a nice personal chat. I told her about Mom and how I regretted not spending more time with her those last two years when she was sick. She told me when her sister got sick two years ago with cancer, she quit her job, moved to Missouri to be with her sister, and took care of her until she passed away. In January 1993 I was on maternity leave with my 6 month old son Derek. What would my life have been like if I had dropped everything to be with Mom in Simi Valley? Would I have been able to extend my leave or find another job? Would Mom have even wanted me to come down? Perhaps if I had known she would be gone in a few months this would have been the time to go down to be with her. Because she was always so upbeat and confident that she would beat the cancer, I believed her, and never thought it would take her away from me.

In spite of the fact that I lived 400 miles away, my brother Gary lived just 3 miles away in Simi Valley. He is such a kind man, a generous man, and very easy-going. I'm so glad Mom lived close to him so they could spend time together. We just visited Gary and Maria at their home a few weeks ago when we went down for a family wedding in Pasadena. I had not seen my brother for 6 months and had not been to their home for 5 years. The photo above was taken July 20, 2013 at the wedding which took place in my Aunt Cathy and Uncle Gene's backyard, as so many other weddings and celebrations have. The wedding was so fun and beautiful, but I especially enjoyed spending time with my brother and his wonderful wife Maria. I promise Gary to come down more often! Time passes so quickly, our children grow up, get married, move on. I read an article recently in Parade magazine about siblings. It talked about how important it is to be close with our siblings, for we share a longer history with them in our lifetime than another other person on earth. I'm so lucky my brother is a good and kind man!

Sick Today

Saturday January 9, 1993

I didn't sleep well last night. Awake with my chest hurting and feel sick all over. I take a pain pill. It helps alot but don't feel well enough to get up and dressed. I spend the day in bed, sleeping off and on. About 5 I dress and come down for dinner. I thought leftover Chinese sounded good but manage only a feeble attempt to eat. Still no appetite and nothing sounds good.

Today I had toast and orange juice and yogurt. I go to bed at 10 p.m. and sleep quite well.

It will be just a few more months before Mom passes, and her bad days will begin to outnumber her good days. It is becoming more and more difficult for me to read her journal and I find that I am posting less frequently than when her life is fun and going well. Partly it hurts me to to hear about her suffering, and partly I don't want this blog to end. Even though it took Mom just over 2 years to write her journal, I am in my 4th year of publishing it. It helps me feel close to her and to remember her. Of course I want to remember the good times though, and not so much the painful times.

More Movies For a Rainy Day

Friday January 8, 1993

Awake at 7:00 we make love. I feel pretty good today. Not as good as yesterday. My energy level is down and I feel the pressure in my throat. We have a sausage and egg breakfast and go out to In N Out for hamburger lunch. At 1:00 we go to a movie. Frank goes to the bathroom 3 times during the 1-1/2 hour film. His bladder is really acting up today. Later we have a yogurt and watch a rented movie. We've had lots of rain this week. A good time for watching movies.

I'm not hungry for dinner. I eat some tangerine. At 11:30 I'm hungry so crawl out of bed and go down to eat some soup.

Poor Frank. For many years he had to hurry to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so due to an enlarged prostate. He finally had surgery a few years ago: problem solved!

Mom doesn't say what movies they watched. I guess it wasn't worth mentioning. I find it hard to watch more than one movie. It's difficult to sit still that long. I would much rather read where I can take a break every half hour or so.

VHS Movies

Thursday January 7, 1993

I slept 9 hours and feel much better this morning. I'm ready at 12:00 to clean bathrooms and make my bed. Later, I go to the bank and pick up a couple of movies.

Frank went to the valley this morning to have breakfast with Marty and Robbie. Then they spent the day working on Marty's trailer brakes. By 4 p.m. Frank is home and we watch the movies together.

At 6:00 we take Smokey to the vet for a shot. I'm hungry, real hungry! By 7:00 we are eating dinner. I really enjoy the salmon, baked potato and zucchini. It's great to be eating dinner. I felt great all day til bedtime. It was a good day.

Just like reel-to-reel home movies are a thing of the past, VHS movies have been replaced by DVDs. What will be the next technology? My kids were raised on Disney VHS movies, but DVDs have been around for almost 20 years now, and the quality is much improved.

Ric and I just got back from a vacation on the Oregon coast where it was foggy, cold and windy all week, so to pass the time, we rented DVD movies, which is something we rarely do at home. I wonder if Mom and Frank agreed on the movies they would watch, because whenever Ric picked out the movie it was dark and violent while I prefer a good romantic comedy. When my movie was being played Ric would leave the room within 10 minutes after quickly losing interest. 90% of the time though Ric picked out the movie, and even though it was his choice, he would fall asleep halfway through and I ended up being the only one watching it!

Home Movies

Wednesday January 6, 1993

Didn't sleep well. Lots of wind and rain. I get up at 7:20. We leave for the doctor at 9. I ate a bowl of cereal and took a pain pill. I get my lab work done and briefly speak to the doctor. I speak to a lady who had the pump and did very well. Now she's back to probably go on it again.

We head for Frank's folks. We all go out to lunch at a Chinese restaurant. I eat about half and bring the rest home. Back at their house we watch some home movie video from the 1940s. It's great. We head home about 3 p.m. I am very tired. I lay on the couch all night. I cannot eat dinner. I feel so full and have a stomach ache. About 9 I feel better and eat some yogurt and apple.

When I was 12 years old my Mom went to work in order to have her own career and interest outside the home, but prior to that she was a typical 50s Mom just like the one pictured above. She was very involved in the lives of my brother Gary and I. She took us on trips to the beach at Santa Monica every summer and she took us to the library in Panorama City every 2 weeks for more reading material, which contributed to my love of reading (and writing). One of my favorite memories as a child was when Mom would set up the movie projector in the hallway, close all the doors so that it was very dark, and show reel after reel of home movies against the wall at the end of the hallway. The movies were of our vacations, birthday parties, and other activities. It was alot of work threading the film through the projector, and each roll only had about 5 minutes of video. My brother has boxes and boxes of those small reels of video. A few years after Mom passed away, we stayed up til the wee hours of the morning watching them in his living room, just the two of us. It was wonderful to relive our youth. One thing I remember clearly though was that Mom is in almost none of those movies, because she was always the one holding the movie projector or the camera. I hope some day to put those movies on DVD. Maybe when Gary retires in a few years I'll make a special trip down to Simi Valley to organize those movies together and send them to Costco to make DVDs, maybe one for each decade.

I remember on one trip to visit Mom and Frank they showed a DVD that Frank had made from old home movies. I'll bet it was the same movies that they watched this night. It was the first time I heard that Frank, who I always thought was an only child, had a sister who died very young. She was in some of those videos.

Yogurt Push Ups

Tuesday January 5, 1993

Up at 7:45 I start the wash. I feel pretty good. I eat some cereal. For lunch I eat my leftover salad. Later I eat a couple of cookies and at 3:30 some pistachio nuts. I feel nausea about dinnertime and continue to feel yucky until bedtime. I can't eat dinner. I do eat 2 yogurt pushups. I go to bed at 11 feeling yucky still.

Unfortunately, nausea is the main side effect of the chemicals being pumped through Mom's bloodstream by the chemo pump. Now that medical marijuana is legal in California, I can't help wondering if it would have helped Mom's nausea.

"The Babe"

Monday January 4, 1993

I have alot of problems with sweating and getting ready to go get my nails done. At 10:30 I take a pain pill for my chest pain. It makes me so drowsy I can hardly stay awake while Cary Lyn works on my nails. Later I do some shopping and get gas. I have a chili dog for lunch.

I rest in the late afternoon and evening. We watch a movie, "The Babe". We go to dinner at Hudson's. I eat 1/2 an Oriental chicken salad.

I'm surprised Mom could stay awake to watch a movie, and then still have the energy to go out to dinner. It's amazing how women can find the energy to go out to eat when it means we don't have to cook or clean up.

The Holidays Are Over

Sunday January 3, 1993

We sleep in until 8:30 and make love. I feel pretty good today. We put all the Christmas decorations away. We have a quiet evening.

Sounds wonderful to me!

Dinner in Corona

Saturday January 2, 1993

I had a bad night. My chest and back hurt. I sweat alot and that continued all morning. I have a hard time getting ready to go to Rowena's. I wish I didn't have to go. By 11:30 I am ready to go. Somehow I managed to curl my hair though I couldn't get it dry due to sweat.

I start to feel better. We leave at 12:15 and arrive at Carol's in North Hollywood at 1:00. We leave there about 1:15 and arrive at Rowena and Marv's in Corona at 2:30. I'm feeling good. I'm glad I came. We have alot of laughs, a nice dinner with wine. We leave at 6:30 per my request. It's 8:30 when we get home but I still feel good.

We stay up until 10:30 saying goodbye. Bob and Donna will leave at 5 a.m. tomorrow for dinner.

I have no photos of Mom's long-time friend Rowena. I don't even know her last name, but I do remember she talked to me at Mom's funeral. We had never met until then. Rowena, Carol (Frank's current wife), Donna and Mom were good friends since early elementary school days. I admire all of them for keeping their friendship alive. I only keep in touch via Facebook with two childhood friends. That makes it easy when long distances are involved.

I didn't know where Corona was until I looked it up. It is 90 miles, almost a 2 hour drive, from Simi Valley. No wonder Mom wasn't feeling up to it. I'm glad it worked out and all the friends were able to reunite, perhaps for the last time.

New Year's Day

Friday
January 1, 1993
New Year's Day

I have a bad night. I don't sleep well at all and awake with my chest pain. I will be on pain pills all day. We fix a breakfast for Donna and Bob and at 1:30 take lots of food to Gary's house where we'll spend the day. At Gary's house I spend the day in the lounge chair in my coat and covered with a quilt.

Maria's sisters Anna and Patty are there for a few hours. We eat ham sandwiches and dips. At dinner we eat 3 pounds of shrimp and fruit salad and homemade bread from our new breadmaker. Frank and Donna had alot of fun making bread today.

Ric watched football. Chris watched a movie with the boys in the motorhome. We go home at 8:30 and I go right to bed.

Poor Mom, it sounds like her last New Year's Day was a miserable one for her. She had a good day the day before. Too bad she pushed herself too much today instead of just staying home in bed and trying to get some rest.

New Year's Eve

Thursday December 31, 1992
New Year's Eve

I awake feeling brand new. My aches and pains are all gone. God has answered my prayer again. Praise The Lord!

Donna and I are very busy in the kitchen all day preparing food. Chris and Ric and all the boys arrive about 2 p.m. We begin to serve veggies, chips, dips, candies, etc. Gary and Maria arrive at 6 p.m. and we all sit down to a big ham dinner. It's great! About 8:30 Mark and Ivana and their girls arrive. They stay a couple of hours. We are all playing pool. Everyone is having a good time.

I begin to have pain in my chest about 6 p.m. and take pain pills the rest of the night. Marty and Kathy arrive about 10:30. When midnight comes we all toast, hug and kiss. A great day and night.

So thankful that Mom is feeling better for the New Year's Eve celebration! Mom and Frank had lots of parties and frequently entertained in their big house on Ambergrove Court. They had a huge dining room with a table that seated 12 easily, a large living room with vaulted ceiling, a big kitchen, and an extra large family room which included a pool table. When the house was being built in 1982 Mom and Frank asked the builder to remove the fourth bedroom that would have been built downstairs, opting instead to have an extra large family room for entertaining. Off of the family room was a sliding glass door that opened to the patio and off the dining nook were french doors that opened to another patio. The lot was huge, over 13,000 square feet, and included a large side yard where they stored their RV and boat. Summer parties were the best because there was plenty of room for a crowd in the beautifully landscaped backyard. The reception for her funeral was held there. This would be Mom's last New Year's Eve. Sad.

Virus, Flu or Chemo?

Wednesday December 30, 1992

It's a real struggle to get ready to leave for the doctor at 8:45. I feel just awful. I ache all over and my chest hurts. It hurts more when I take a deep breath, even in my neck. Last night my temp was 100.1. Two doctors examine me and talk to me. My X-rays are fine. I could have a virus, flu or a reaction to the chemo. If I'm not better in a couple of days I should disconnect my chemo pump.

At home I take a pain pill and a nap. When I get up I feel so much better. I manage to be sociable downstairs with Donna & Bob. At 3:30 they leave to visit Mark (Bob's son) and family. I lay down with another pain pill.

How awful to have company when she is feeling so awful, even her best friend Donna. It must have been hard for her to put on a happy face. I know when I am sick or in pain, the last thing I want is people around me. I think that's because of the way Mom raised me. As a young girl, when I was sick she didn't make me chicken soup or pamper me. She left me alone, said confidently that I would be fine, and left for work.

Donna & Bob Arrive

Tuesday December 29, 1992

I decide to spend the day in bed and maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. I feel much better laying down in bed, but no better when I get up.

Donna & Bob arrive about 7 p.m. I struggle to get up and be sociable. It's not easy. We open Christmas gifts. About 10:30 I must go to bed. Everyone is tired so no problem.

This photo of Mom's best friend Donna and Donna's husband Bob was taken at Christmas 2012, 20 years after Mom's post. Donna was diagnosed with breast cancer several years before Mom had cancer, and Bob had a bout with prostate cancer a few years ago, but they are both doing well as they approach their 80th birthday. Bob loves to restore old cars and they live in a charming Victorian house with wraparound porch in Pollock Pines, California, in the Sierra Nevada Mountains.

Mom loved Donna so much but I don't think she shared her fear and anxiety with her either, preferring to put on a brave face. I'll bet she concealed her pain very well for the 3 hours she had to force herself out of bed to be sociable.

I'm Worried & Scared

Monday December 28, 1992

I call and get an appointment for see a doctor here in Simi at 3:30. We go to visit Chris for an hour or so first. The doctor does an EKG. It's OK but my heart rate is 103. They take chest X-rays but see and hear no pneumonia. I will take the X-rays with me to the doctor on Wednesday.

Gary is working til 10 p.m. so we take the leftover spaghetti to Gary's and we all eat the same as last night. I feel terrible so we go home about 8:00. I fall fast asleep on our couch as soon as we get home.

I'm worried and scared. Frank and I cry in each other's arms in bed for a long time.

I found this photo taken the day of Mom's post, and look for pain, worry and fear in her face. She hides it well. Normally our family would stay at Mom's house for the holidays, but this trip we stay at my brother's home and Mom comes to visit us there. One thing does stand out to me about this photo. Normally Mom would have baby Derek bouncing on her knee. In this photo she looks at him from the couch.

I feel sad that Mom is so worried and scared. I wish she would have shared her feeling with me. She always put on a brave confident face, not wanting to worry her children I'm sure. I'm glad she had Frank to share her feeling with and to cry with. Thank you Frank!

436 Miles

Sunday December 27, 1992

I have another slow morning. Chris calls at 10 a.m. to say they just arrived at Gary's. They drove all night. I tell her to take a nap and we'll arrive about 2:00.

We take spaghetti sauce, pasta, bread, salad and ice cream for dinner.

My prayers are answered that Chris and Ric arrive safely. There was alot of bad fog predicted.

We open gifts. The dinner at 5:30 is a big hit. Afterwards, I feel pretty bad and lay on the couch til we go home about 8:00. My chest and back hurt alot.

Wow, I can't believe we drove all night. It's 436 miles from Windsor to Simi Valley, California. I couldn't do that today. I need my 8 hours sleep or I am a wreck. I couldn't have been very good company, even in 1992, with no sleep or very little sleep. In the winter there is very often dense fog in the central valley of California down Interstate 5, which we would have taken from the San Francisco Bay Area to Simi Valley. I don't even like to drive in the dark, much less thick fog. Nowadays when we visit my brother in Simi Valley we usually break up the trip into 2 days, and we almost always travel during daylight hours.

Mom was usually so sociable and talkative. I feel sad that she is exhausted and in pain. Perhaps realization is finally setting in that this might be her last Christmas?

Back to Pasadena

Saturday December 26, 1992

I awake feeling very sluggish. It's hard to get ready. We leave for Gene and Cathy's about 11 a.m. We will have lunch with them and leave mother so they can drive her home tomorrow. I'm really tired and my chest hurts by the time we leave at 3 p.m. When we get home I lay on the couch, chilled and ill all afternoon and evening.

It is about a 45 minute drive from Simi Valley to Pasadena and another 100 miles from Pasadena to Desert Hot Springs where Grandma Helen lived in her mobile home in a golf course community. Grandma was in her 80s by now but insisted on living independently in her mobile home. Her mother, my Grandma Johnson, lived a long life until she was 101 by walking everyday, and Grandma Helen enjoyed swimming every morning in the community pool. I think I have a little of both of them in me. I enjoy hiking, but I love to spend time in the pool too. I think I must have been a dolphin in a previous life!

Christmas Dinner

Friday December 25, 1992
Christmas Day

We sleep in and about 2:00 we go to Gary and Maria's to open gifts. We have a lovely time. Gary and Maria fix a lovely turkey dinner.

Maria had to go to Kaiser this morning to be checked to see if the test says she has TB. Luckily she does not. I was worried.

Mother poops out after dinner on the couch. I don't feel too well myself. I lay down on a couch too. I'm cold and I bundle up under a blanket. We go home about 8 p.m. Frank had taken mother home about 7:00.

Thank you Gary and Maria for stepping up to host Christmas dinner. For as long as I can remember Mom always hosted Christmas dinner, but her cancer and the chemotherapy were robbing her energy. This would be Mom's last Christmas this side of Heaven.

Justin's Dad John and I shared custody of Justin and this was John's year to have Justin for Christmas, so we would not be driving down to visit my family for a couple more days.

Strange that Maria had to go to Kaiser on Christmas Day to be checked for TB. Couldn't it wait until December 26?

Christmas Eve in Pasadena

Thursday December 24, 1992

We all sleep in and take it slow all morning. About 2:30 we leave for Gene & Cathy's. We have dinner there and all open gifts. Gene dresses up like Santa Claus and gives a gift to each of his grandchildren. All his family are there except Cathy and Brittany. Brittany has the flu. It's a lovely evening and I feel good. Guy, Lisa and Lynne make me feel quite special.

Mother does well. She's holding up real well and looks lovely after I curl her hair.

We eat turkey.



When I was a young girl my Uncle Gene & Aunt Cathy lived on Sierra Madre Blvd in Pasadena, right on the route of the Pasadena Rose Parade, which we watched from their front yard every year. In 1967 the State of California took their property by eminent domain to build the 210 Freeway. They bought a beautiful large lot tucked up against the San Gabriel Mountains in Pasadena and built a two-level house where many birthdays, holidays, showers, weddings and anniversaries have been celebrated over the years. In fact their granddaughter Alyson is having her wedding and reception with 400 guests in their backyard on July 20 this year. Alyson's parents Guy and Lisa Thomas, shown in the photo above, were married there in 1986.

Mom was close with her nieces and nephews, especially her niece Lynne, Gene and Cathy's youngest, who now lives in Seattle. She is pictured above with Mom at my baby shower in 1992. Lynne spoke at Mom's funeral. Such a beautiful spirit!

Bringing Home Mother for Christmas

Wednesday December 23, 1992

Up at 6:45 to get ready to leave at 8:30 for doctor. Don't feel real well. I kinda ache all over. At the doctor I have my blood work done, then pick up supply of drugs. I talk to 2 other younger women who also have the pump. One has a spot on her lung. She had cervical cancer. The other has recurrent ovarian cancer. She was clean for 10 months. It's very nice to find someone to talk to.

By 10:30 we're on our way to Mother's to pick her up to bring her home for the holidays. After we pick her up we stop at Hadley's and Kaiser in Fontana to see her doctor. We stop for dinner and reach home about 8:00. I feel fine.

That's a long drive from Simi Valley to Desert Hot Springs (north of Palm Springs) to pick up Grandma Helen. It's 5 hours round trip. So thoughtful of Mom and Frank to include her in the holiday gathering. Grandma Helen is pictured above with Mom, brother Gary and I on Christmas Day 1988.

It would have been great for Mom to have joined a cancer survivor group. I think she could have benefited from talking to other women going through the same thing, and I know she would have been an encouragement to many other women. A woman at my church lead a cancer survivor group for 5 years until she passed away a few months ago. There is nothing quite as encouraging as to have the support and prayers of others on the same journey. For some reason Mom had no interest in joining a cancer group. I think she preferred to live in denial, and joining such a group would mean admitting that the disease was in her body.

Baby Boy Nickolas

Tuesday December 22, 1992

I am trying to get ready so I can go to Frank's carving class to see the art and have a snack. I'm having alot of trouble with the sweats. I can't get ready when I'm sweating so. I'm finally ready at 11:15. It's a nice exhibition.

We go to lunch with Shirley and Jim Turner at Maverick's. By 1 p.m. we're on our way to Palmdale to see Paul & Judy's new baby boy Nickolas. He's one week old. We enjoy seeing Anita, Judy's Mom, too. Tayler is feeling much better. Baby Nick is so cute. He looks more like Paul. Judy looks great.

We arrive home about 6 p.m. and go out for Italian dinner. Now I'm tired.

I don't have any photos of Nick as a baby, but I did find the one above taken in 2000 when Nick is 8 years old. Mom was right. He looks like his Dad. Tayler, his older sister, looks just like her Mom.

Manicure

Monday December 21, 1992

Up early. Have my nails done. I enjoy talking with Cari Lyn. She is thrilled when I tell he how well I'm feeling and how good I'm doing. My tumors are shrinking because my bowels are working normal again. She gives me a great Christmas hug and kiss.

Later I enjoy a chili dog, go to the bank, Target and grocery shop for an hour and spend $148.00. I'm tired after 5 hours of running around so rest on the couch when I get home for awhile. We have dinner about 6 p.m. and go square dancing. I feel well enough to dance a tip or two but spend the night just visiting. Later we go to Hudson's Grill. I have a malt.

Mom's energy is back!